missbritz Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Hi All I have put this in 'healing' as I have been somewhat in limbo land. I have posted my story before. In a nutshell, My boyfriend and I broke up 6 months ago and I moved out. For the past 6 months though we have still been 'together'. Deep down I know it has gone, he claims to care and love me but his actions have not demonstrated that really. I moved to his hometown initially and decided to stay as I got a great job up here and my young daughter was in a great school so I decided to stay. He still helps me out as I need to get work and don't drive (currently learning!) and I guess he somewhat felt obligated to me. Anyway, we have still been seeing each other also and things have been ok, honestly I have just been waiting for things to fizzle and once Im driving I wont really need him. He is completely avoidant and is the all time master if the hot/cold push/pull dynamic. He truly has broken my heart. tonight he told me that he just really wants to be on his own, doesn't want to hurt me or disappoint me. Deep down I know he is right. Yes I am angry because he said he doesnt want to lead me on and the relationship isnt going anywhere and I am angry because he really has been to a degree but I have allowed myself to ultimately be used as an emotional blanket, ego stroke, and of course sex. I am just feeling so hurt, its not an unfamiliar feeling as I have been living with it for some time now. I knew this was going to come to a 'proper' end sooner or later. But the pain is still so raw. Its my own fault I know. I didn't have the courage to rip this band aid off properly when I moved out. Just looking for some support. thanks for reading Link to comment
bod Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 First off, well done for taking the time to share your feelings with us, that is a significant step in itself and give yourself a little credit now. You and only you are master of your mind, unless you volunteer control to another, which obviously you have done and it is why you suffer. Start little by little to re-assert control over your own mind and the emotions will fall into line. The two important mantras for you to remind yourself of constantly, as a guardian against the pain are, The situation will change and there is a positive and negative side to everything and it us up to you which one you reap. Sow the positive and the positive you will reap. Sow the negative and the positive you will not reap. One other thing is to remember that many small steps over time lead to big changes. Take comfort in taking many, small steps. I am sure many people who suffer as you do and perhaps suffer worse than you do. Many will read what you post and wish you love. Take some support and comfort in this and let it strengthen you. You chose your thoughts and emotions will follow according to your thoughts, this is our nature. Link to comment
missbritz Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Hi thanks for taking the time to reply. This relationship totally rocked my self esteem to my very core. And I think it kept me stuck there even after I moved out. I just wish he hadn't kept me hanging on and I wish I didn't allow myself to. I have just made this break up 1000x harder for myself. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I am glad you are finally seeing that you are torturing yourself by continuing to stay in contact with him. But keep in mind that he always seems to do this, says he wants to be done and on his own, then he comes sniffing around again for sex etc. People who do this kind of 'slow dump' frequently string you along up until they meet your replacement, then they do the final dump. So it is hard to tell whether this means he has met someone else and doesn't 'need' you anymore, or whether it is just another round in his cycle. So with people like this, it will have to be you that finally ends it and cuts him off (until he does meet someone else). Focus your attention on getting your driver's license ASAP, or calling around and finding someone else who will be able to car pool you into work. It is time to cut the cord, and it is better done by you rather than by hanging around until the bitter end or going thru more cycles of this. You will feel MUCH better when you finally get some resolution to this and take charge of your life and start dating other men who are better suited for you than he is. Link to comment
missbritz Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Thanks Lavender, Its just hard with the car situation, really really hard. I live in a suburban area, walking is dangerous and impossible, public transportation is extremely limited. And oh did I mention the car he is driving is mine!? sooooo, its all very complicated. On another note, we have been getting on well because I just don't say anything, to keep the peace. But this week there was 2 occasions where I didn't keep my mouth shut and arguments ensued. And then Oh look what we have here ...yet another break up. He cannot handle conflict in any way. He'll bail before he has to deal with it. I really want to hate him,all my family and friends dont understand what I possibly see in him. He has absolutely NOTHING to offer me. How can I grieve over that? Oh wow sorry that turned into abit of a rant. Thank god for ENA!!! Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I feel for you, but you are improving your situation. So do this. Hurry up and get your driver's license. Make that your top, top priority and just get it done. Having a car affords you freedoms you never dreamed of and since you have the car there is no real excuse. So get excited, get that license as soon as it is humanly possible and get yourself on the road. You will never regret that. Make sure you keep a set of keys to the car and can take possession of it in a nano-second should he try to keep it or withdraw it in any way. It's your car after all that he is using, so work out rides from him if you need to and approach that as a business deal. Because essentially that is what it is at this point. Next since you know all this about him become neutral. You know it's over, and he would already be gone if not for this. So stop it with any expectations of him except for the fact that he has the car on loan and needs to give you rides if he's going to use it. Be polite, be neutral, recognize that right now you need him for this one thing but it's temporary. And when you have the license then you tell him it's over for good and he needs to get gone. And you go NC and heal and you go relish your new-found freedom in being able to take yourself anywhere you or your daughter want and not needing to put up with someone else to do so. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Driver's license: yeah. Number one priority right now. Come on girl -- it's NOT hard to do! It's EASY. 16 year-olds are out there every day on the road! It's nothing compared to having a baby. Link to comment
missbritz Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 And when you have the license then you tell him it's over for good and he needs to get gone. And you go NC and heal and you go relish your new-found freedom in being able to take yourself anywhere you or your daughter want and not needing to put up with someone else to do so. Thanks Paris, this really has been my intention all along. He cant give me what I need, commitment phobe, terrified of emotional intimacy. Its time to move on and rip this band aid off once and for all. Im scared but I know I can do this. My heart is still breaking though but Im trying to be strong, really really trying. I know him so well....he'll be back around again throwing me his breadcrumbs but I feel stronger now in that I can tell him F*** off! You know, sometimes I would hate texting him or calling him because if he was in one of his withdrawal moods, it would devastate me and I cant tell you how many times after a phone call I would be crying. ugh. sometimes I would even avoid it. Now I need to avoid it permanently! Sharky, this driving is a huge achievement for me! I have been terrified of it for many years after a horrible car accident but now I am actually loving it and feel more confident every time I do it. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Yeah, you need to get over "fear of driving." It's like "fear of flying"..... the longer you let it go, the worse it gets. You're an adult, and a mom. So suck it up and make it happen already. Link to comment
missbritz Posted June 22, 2014 Author Share Posted June 22, 2014 Im on it!!! So yesterday i drove so much (not with him)!! Like probably a total of of 40 miles. i loved it so much!! He k and i picked up my phone to text him to tell him 'hey guess what...' i was so thrilled with myself and i wanted to share it with him. but i stopped. and i felt incredibly sad. we are not nc at the moment so i could have but i guess I'm just getting into 'shape' for the when it is. like. I'm approaching this like I'm in training for a marathonbut it makes me so sad.....I'm ok though because I'm finally done with feeling the hurt daily caused by him and his indifference. and I've been kidding myself that all is ok and we are a happy couple when its absolutely not the case! So i do feel ok now that I've got real with myself. i will miss him but you know what, i have missed him for about a year and a half!!! Lol, I've been missing the man who he never really genuinely was!! So !! Link to comment
sharky988 Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 Good for you!! Driving is fun -- and it's also an important part of being an independent adult. Why are you not "NC at the moment".... what does that even mean? Is there a reason you're torturing yourself by staying in contact? Finalize your details, exchange all your stuff, and CUT that loser out of your life for good -- so you can move on! Here's a guide that will help you understand the importance of NC to your healing: link removed Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 If you drove 40 miles yesterday, you sound ready for the driving test! Really, the test itself is easy if you've studied the book. The hardest part is parallel parking the car, which i rarely do in real life. So make a goal to have one more driving session where you practice parking, then pick a day and go in and take the test. Even if you fail it (which many do the first time if they are too anxious about it), then you will pass it on the second. But don't postpone it any more! And once you have that license, time to break it off! Get the locks changed on your car if you can't get the keys back from him. Really, it is time to take control of your life and heal so that you can go find a man who is offering you what you want and need rather than just crumbs to string you along. Link to comment
missbritz Posted June 22, 2014 Author Share Posted June 22, 2014 Why are you not "NC at the moment".... what does that even mean? Is there a reason you're torturing yourself by staying in contact? Finalize your details, exchange all your stuff, and CUT that loser out of your life for good -- so you can move on! ] well for reason previously stated....I need him to give me rides to work, he has my car. Once I get my license and get my car back, it will be done. I am feeling really sad, not in a good place today at all. I think the rejection is just awful, a really bad feeling. I know I will be happier without him and what he was giving me so why is it hurting so much. Link to comment
missbritz Posted June 22, 2014 Author Share Posted June 22, 2014 Lavender, I have to do a pre-licence 5 hour class before I can even schedule my road test. I have scheduled this class for Wednesday! Then I will schedule my road test for asap. Take a lesson for the parallel parking and the nitty gritty stuff and do my test! Fingers crossed I will pass first time!!! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 Good for you! Really, you will feel much better once you finally make the break and stop having to see him all the time and feel rejected all the time. You need to start focusing on YOU and healing and finding a new BF who does want you to be his GF rather than someone who basically tossed you over 18 months ago and is still driving your car! Time to cut him off as soon as you get your driver's license. Link to comment
missbritz Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 Don't kill me people, You know I cant go total NC right now as he has my car, I don't drive and I live in suburbia! I had to go food shopping and so did he so we went together. I was cool but not chilly, pleasant but not overly so. When I first moved out and we were doing these supermarket jaunts, it used to be a very special brand of painful torture for me, imagine always going food shopping together for OUR ONE household and then to go watching him fill his cart for just him and his boys. shudder! Anyway, I felt absolutely fine! I really did. He however did not, he was doing stupid sad face at me that he does, every time I looked up and caught him staring at me - which was many times! I am NOT repeat NOT overthinking this, Im just saying that true to his love avoidant form...as soon as I cool he becomes less so. BUT I am not falling for that BS anymore! Anyway, just wanted to share and tell you guys that it didn't make me feel wistful, hopeful, sad or any of those other emotions that kept me stuck and going back. I am moving forward, he can learn one day the consequences of his actions but that is not my problem or focus right now. I am taking my 5 hour pre licence course on weds and I am excited and so looking forward to the satisfaction of taking my car back and NEVER having to rely or depend on him again! I wont even look in the rear view mirror at him eating my dust. Im relishing the thought but Ive got to be honest I am dreading NC, I know its going to be hard to stop having contact with someone who you communicated with every day with for the last 1000 days!! But I must. I hope I will be ok, I think Im gonna be ok. Link to comment
missbritz Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 I just don't know why the heck I put myself thru this 1 4 weeks til I take my road test - thank god! Although I SEE him for what he is - a selfish, commitment phobic, jerk - and I ACCEPT that he just doesn't love me or care about me they way I deserve, I just cant help but feel the raw disappointment every time he lets me down. I have to put ALL expectations of him on the ground - real real low. I hate depending on him. Hes driving round in my car. I cant wait to get it back and have my independence. This is just scab picking at this point. we did go away for July 4th weekend and I shouldn't have gone. It was a nice time but I am just torturing myself. This relationship has no future, I MOVED OUT! Im not hanging on - well I guess I am for the next month. It just feels more comfortable for me to play nice and not create waves as he turns into a nasty p***k when I confront him or stand up for myself in any way and it upsets me so much - I just cant do it. I have to put my emotions to the side and just really go NC and deal with the break up next month. anyway just a vent really. God this guy has destroyed me. I know that's really dramatic but its truly the way I feel. Link to comment
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