Update: she called

[ocean9]

Hi everyone,

 

She called me today and we talked for about 20 minutes or so. I kept it light. She said that she really misses me, wants to spend the day with me tomorrow, and really does love me. I told her to call me tomorrow, and I will make some time for her if she is serious about getting together and talking. She said she was. She promised to call as soon as she wakes up. I told her to only call if she is certain she wants to see me and actually will make proper time for us. I told her quite clearly that I don't want anymore cancelling and ambivalence, that I am tired of feeling disappointed, and that it doesn't work for me to be strung along. She actually sounded really relieved to hear me say that, which took me by surprise a little.

 

I'm so glad that I held off contacting her, and gave her the space to miss me and call me. Thanks to the people here who shared their time and opinions with me! I am so very grateful! I was a posting maniac yesterday, but it kept me from calling her, and maybe I actually helped a few people out here and there (I hope so anyway!)

[amanda22]

happy to hear that ocean. its good you made your feelings clear. i just hope she keeps her promise this time. we shall see tomorrow huh? let us know how it goes. just remember if you do hang out, follow her lead, if she is casual dont be too lovey dovey and actually if she is lovey dovey dont outdo her either. just keep it light and easy as you did on the phone. just remember, the phone is alot easier to be cool and collected than it is in person, dont get all soft and let her think she is in control or this whole thing will go back to square one. btw, when you guys hang out are you going to tell her about how you feel and how you want to be more serious than it is now?

[martyj]

hey Ocean 9 that is fantastic news dude i am pleased for you and thanks for being so cool in lending me a hand.

 

i am going through that today but i have seen friends bought some cool CDs and books and starting to work on my own life even though i miss her like crazy.

 

How long did you stop contact for? And did you beg an plead as i feel i have no chance but seeing as she came to se me and stuff she must hold feelings somewhere right?

 

Dude i hope it all goes well for you.

 

I will be looking out for your progress in this thing called life!

[MrLonely]

Congrats! Were you guys apart long?

[ocean9]

amanda,

 

I plan on having fun and keeping it light. I'll go with the flow, but I will stick to my new boundaries. I never exactly had boundaries with her before (my fault). I see this as a fresh start in a way. I know that if necessary, I could walk away from this, and that is really empowering! I think I was getting too deep, too fast (emotionally) and that it would be smart for me to chill out somewhat. Truthfully, I think I made the decision about wanting more too soon. I need to get to know this woman a lot better before I consider her long-term relationship material. I need to see how her actions are over time.

 

marty,

 

Thanks! What CDs did you buy?

 

I stopped contact for 3 days (it felt much longer though). No, I didn't beg and plead. I came here and posted. I cried like a baby in private. I ate way too much (chips and Coke man!) She has no idea that I even noticed that she pulled away. She didn't see any of my reaction to her pulling away. I didn't bring it up in conversation, and I don't plan on bringing it up either. I'll talk about it only if she brings it up. She talked about being majorly stressed out at work, and some family issues she is going through. I need to listen to her more when she shares, because when she does open up, a lot of her behavior starts to make sense.

 

I completely recommend giving them their space when they pull away.

 

Whatever happens tomorrow, I know that I am strong enough to be without her...and that was so worth learning!

[ocean9]

Mr. Lonely,

 

She started to pull away a couple of weeks ago. I did "no contact" for three days, then she called. I think that's a really awesome sign.

 

Thanks man!

[martyj]

hey Ocean9

 

I bought Brian Wilson Smile and Destroy Rock n Roll by Mylo(great Scottish dance music)

 

3 days she must like you dude!

 

I am on day 7 and today is the month anniversary of when we split so, i dont hold out much hope of being back toghether although i was left with the i might come back i will let you know when i know and i wont lead you on so i dont know what to do it hurts me alot.

 

I lost the plot a little but then she did come to my house so i dont know but we are finished so she said she needed a break and i am respecting that but i dont think she is finding it that hard to be without me.

 

Good luck!

[ocean9]

marty,

 

seven days isn't that long...I honestly think there's still a lot of hope. Just keep on improving yourself, so that when she does show up, she sees a new and improved marty!

 

I think that if they let like a month go by, then it's dead in the water...less than a month, and I think there's still a pretty good chance.

 

I'll have to google Mylo...sounds interesting!

 

Just keep giving her space. If she likes you ENOUGH, she'll come back. Try to give her at least another week. There is no way to know how she is feeling, but soon enough her actions will tell you loud and clear!

 

Keep going out though! You never know what is waiting just around the bend!

[martyj]

hey Ocean 9 i agree

 

although it has been a month since we split i have seen her around 5 times to which she has been resistant and spoke an awful lot but when i saw her on Monday she was uncomfortable but she still came.

 

So i suppose it wasnt really over until we stopped contact

 

But hey it is pretty hard to not call her but hten she is with family for Chirstmas so she is probably just chilling out and trying to forget as it was all too intense and stressful

 

I know we will always be friends but thing is now we have had that intimate thing going on so makes it harder obviously.

[ocean9]

marty,

 

Ya, once that line has been crossed (intimacy) it is hard to go back...sometimes it is not possible to be friends again until much time has passed.

 

How old is she? Maybe she got really scared of the emotional intensity? She may not be ready for a mature relationship. If the drinking was an issue, she'll probably need to see you sober for a long time before trusting it won't be an issue again. If this breakup helped you to make that decision, to ease back/stop the drinking, that is huge, and ultimately something to be thankful for. (even if it doesn't seem that way right now)

 

If she is uncomfortable, that's not a very good sign. Ya, she probably is trying to chill out with family. She needs that time to destress and just enjoy. My family is really far away, but I know if that wasn't the case, I would have been chilling out with them myself!

[martyj]

she is 10 years younger than me so is very young

 

it was too intense and i was drinking alot i havent had a drink in one month since it happened basically.

 

She has said on the phone that she knows she needs to see the change and also that she is scared and i know she has listened alot to advice from friends and family.

 

I have two thoughts in my head number one to not contact and hope for the best or number two contact and say not to worry about letting me know if she is coming back or not.

 

Sometimes i think she only said that to not hurt my feelings without realising that that places her in a position where if she doesnt contact me then she has indeed led me on!

[MrLonely]

My ex just turned 20, she has not had the whole party-hooking up experience. We were together 1.5 years, and she now needs to "live".

 

I dont hold it against her, its just not the right time i guess.

[martyj]

even though i am 10 years older i aint looking to settle down for at least 5-7 years anyway, i DJ alot and am in a band with a record deal so it isnt the issue for me the only issue was drink which i am controlling.

 

I am taking each day as it comes and trying not to do the dreaded thing and contact her and make myself feel weak.

[ocean9]

marty,

 

Ya, she is really young. I honestly don't think a 21-year-old can handle a mature relationship. They really need to explore at that age. Probably not what you want to hear, but it could spell so much trouble in so many ways later on.

 

If she is already feeling pressured/overwhelmed, that will only increase if you call her...I can pretty much guarantee that.

 

Can you wait at least another week before calling her? I think that two weeks is a reasonable time to wait before calling.

 

At 21, she is going to be very influenced by friends and family, more so than a 31 year-old would be...if you know what I mean.

[ocean9]

Mr. Lonely,

 

Ya, I agree. Women at the age need to explore, it's like they have to get it out of their system, so that they can settle down later on. Timing is everything. Sucks for you though. Sorry.

[ocean9]

in a band with a record deal

 

Awesome! What kind of music?

[martyj]

totally with you Ocean9 thing is i wasnt going to call at all as i believed when she said she would let me know and wouldnt lead me on that would put the ball in her court and thereforeeee it isnt up to me to call.

 

I totally understand what you are saying and just want to have a mellow relationship.

 

I did say it was harder for me to stay and fix this then it would be to find someone new.

 

It is alot of pressure and i dont plan on giving in and contacting thats why i am on here so much and i dont mean to sound dramatic about it but i think it should be clear that it is in her court to contact me and well who knows the time apart she will actually begin to notice that i am no longer in touch with her and have thought about not being around for a while.

 

that girl has got alot in front of her and i just wanted to have something nice and not to tie her down but i suppose with all the pressure she probably felt that but, hopefully with NC she will feel less pressure and more comfortable soon to contact me.

[martyj]

i sent you a pm about band just in case anyone i know should enter this site at any point as i am quite a private person

[Hope75]

Hi Guys

 

I have to agree that giving them the control does help!

 

I am currently separated from my live in bf of 2 years (he broke up w. me)

we are discussing working it out ( I want to & he is scared, but thinking about it)

 

you can see my story:

 

link removed

 

Since the breakup, I had been initiating all the plans with us just to see him but he did mention last time that part of it is the "thrill of the chase" the guy being the chaser, so I told him, "Ok, you can chase me, come & get me!"

 

I told him to make the call next time he wants to talk, and he can make plans when he wants to see me.

 

Today, he called twice! He's with family in nearby state & right now on his way home from another holiday dinner, but said he will call again when he gets home safely (it's snowing here).

 

I think letting them know you are interested, and then backing off & giving them the control is a good idea. At least so far!

 

Keep 'em crossed for me guys!

 

Hope

[amanda22]

good luck hope75

[fallslikerain]

ocean, i'm glad to hear you feel things are going well, and you're standing up for youself and your boundaries. keep me informed on how things are going