How to change thinking?

[Scottrn]

Just a quick question.

I'm getting better, but sometimes someone says something or a song comes on the radio, not one we even heard together, and I'll think "her new guy is saying this to her". It turns an otherwise good day into one of s$%^. How do you guys change thinking, or avoid this? I know to refocus and go on, but sometimes it's out of the blue and those seem to hit harder because they aren't expected.

It's getting better, just not FAST ENOUGH!!! (tongue firmly in cheek)

[DragonGirl724]

you are gonna get the response you dont want to hear...

 

TIME.

 

it takes a lot of time. your jealousy is understandable & the pain is still present which is completely normal. i too hear stuff & still think of the dreaded ex. it sucks. but itll become less & less significant in time. i promise. sometimes it feels like its progressivly getting worse, but you have to get over that hump & things will start to become easier to deal with. keep out of contact with her. out of sight, out of mind. (for the most part).

 

-DG724

[chai714]

Any stimuli that makes you think about your ex is called a "trigger." This can be a song, driving down a particular street, shopping at the grocery store . . almost anything can trigger thoughts. These thoughts occur naturally, and will probably to continue to do so for a while. Most likely, they will decrease over time as you begin to heal more and more each day, although the healing process can seem like it takes forever at times. There really is no way to avoid triggers, as they occur randomly and nobody can predict when you see or hear something that will remind you of your ex. How you deal with any trigger will be more and more positive each time. You become almost immune once you experience the same triggers over and over and over.

[Bibora]

About the songs i start to cut sad or love lyrics from my playlist but now i almost sacrifice myself to hear it. Cause it may make me think of her but i think its like a training, the more imune i get to it the better. Other things too, although i got rid of everything i had that reminds me of her, except the house... May seem too radical, but its the indication i got here and to me it works a bit.

And yes time heals. i wish it was summer already... 6 month from here would be great for me.

 

Hmmm wait, summer isnt smart... Last summer it was amazing me and her...

Great more memories.... 2004 started great ends like s**t, 2005 will start like s**t... Hope it gets better.

[Scottrn]

Thanks for the replies. I just posted in another thread a question about therapy. I feel I'm doing ok most of the time, seems to be a few minutes better(no thoughts) a day, but night is the worst. Anyway, I'm just not sure a therapist could tell me anything I don't already know, or get here.

I have talked ad nauseum to friends and family and have a good grasp on how and why and what to do to heal, learning ALOT about me, some not so positive but it's all good if I learn to not do some things again.

Would it speed this up? In my heart I don't want to rush healing and miss out on the whole lesson, but at times I wonder if it would....

 

By the way, doing NC and won't stop that for anything.....

[ShuShu Fontana]

You're on a good path. Sometimes it's cathartic to just sit down and let it hurt, spill out everything that is hurting you, everything you miss, listen to all the sad songs you want and just bust through it all. It can really help you let it all go.

It's also good to stay the hell awayf rom that crap once you've done it. You can only take so much,man.

Therapists aren't going to give you answers, but they're going to ask you the questions that are going to make you come up with the answers. That's all I wanted, was someone to ask me the right questions. I was too close to it, couldn't see the forrest for the trees.

[Scottrn]

Strange thoughts. I know I'm better off without her, finding someone to return my love etc...

The hardest part to get past is thinking of her with someone else. Like today, I remember last new years and think that she'll do all that with a new guy. Why do I do that to myself? I think if I knew why I could get a better handle on not doing it anymore, or less often. Like I said, thats what drives me nuts!

Not surprising as she never was who I though she was or said she was, didn't put effort into change. Is it the responsibility I still feel for her? Awww crap, if not for this dadgum issue I would be able to deal. All else is understandable.

aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! (is that how you spell it? )

[Enn]

These feelings really will decrease - but I honestly believe it's possible to change your brain's reactions. Make your brain concentrate on a completely unrelated thing when these thoughts emerge. Force yourself! I think a big problem is that we have these habitual routines and tell ourselves that this dreadful thing has happened, it's like scratching your nail down a blackboard. You sort of force yourself to feel bad a bit. I know I do.

 

I think positive thoughts can wear you out - they take a lot of effort - but really, in time it will work.

[ocean9]

I think it takes time too. Sad, but true.

 

Replacing old memories with new ones might help. Form new associations.

 

Don't avoid life because of 'triggers'. Don't immerse yourself in 'triggers' either though, you don't need the mental abuse, y'know?

[Scottrn]

I think a big problem is that we have these habitual routines and tell ourselves that this dreadful thing has happened, it's like scratching your nail down a blackboard. You sort of force yourself to feel bad a bit. I know I do.

 

You're right, I do that sometimes also. Doing well but thinking maybe I shouldn't be, don't deserve to be?!! Logically it makes no sense, but at 3am theres not much logic. Thanks for the tips, I'll try to think differently about these things....but I will be glad when it's January 2.

Surprising, didn't worry about Christmas, but New Years eve is kickin' my butt!

 

Hope Santa was good to you guys

[PrincessLinzay]

Ahhh, if only humans weren't creatures of habit.

 

I agree with the other posters about it taking time. It sucks, but it's true.

 

The only other thing I can think of is to create new memories in lieu of the old. Put those songs on a CD, take a friend for a drive where you used to go with the ex, and crack jokes and vent, then you'll have a new memory, a good one, a moving on one.

 

Good Luck!

[Enn]

Surprising, didn't worry about Christmas, but New Years eve is kickin' my butt!

 

Don't you dare! Since my ex er...drove off I've had some really exciting times. I've started (by accident) going out to clubs on my own. If he knew he *would not believe* the 'new' me that he'd worn away with his negativity. It's forced me to make new friends everywhere I go! No dates, but so what?! I'm relishing NYE now - and you should force yourself to do the same! It's going to be an adventure.

 

Go somewhere you wouldn't think of! Surprise yourself! Challenge yourself to meet new people! I don't know how easy it is where you live, but I find it really easy in London.

[Scottrn]

I know what I should do, buut sometimes I do what I shouldn't. If I did what I was supposed to do I would be happier, but occasionally I get myself into thinking wrong again. I think I was really surprised by this one with new years eve, didn't expect it to matter so I wasn't ready for the emotional onslaught! I'm getting better at spotting the triggers and avoiding them, or as GG suggested in another post, laugh about it. What difference does it make what she does Dec.31st? To me?

We were, now we aren't. I don't mean to sound bitter, but its me time now, you guys are right on with that!

Not to say I'm going to be a selfish jerk, I still can be my nice self without becoming a doormat for someone else. I gotta work on me now, you go work on you. 8)

Yeah, sounds good, guess I was having a hard time letting go there for a few. Thanks ya'll, I'll suck it up and go work out!!