she is pulling away...update

[ocean9]

Well, I discovered that she is seeing someone else. A friend of mine saw them together. I called her, and we talked. I was completely non-confrontational. She is feeling 'torn' and 'conflicted'. She says that she loves me, but she has feelings for him too. She wants to continue to see me while she gets to know him. She said that she doesn't want to lose me. I told her that I don't want to lose her, and that I love her dearly. She said that she would call tomorrow, and we could talk some more (meanwhile, she is with him tonite!)

 

We are dating, we are not a couple, so she is not 'cheating' per se. Should I keep dating her? I don't know if I can handle this. I can understand that she wants to make sure she is choosing the right person, but sheesh, the emotional cost to me looks rather daunting! How many other people will she date???

 

Any advice people? Thanks to all of you who have helped so far!

[lil_shank009]

in this situation i dont think we can give you any great advice, you have to follow your heart, and if its not making sense, or if you need more help follow your head and your heart, i would wait and talk to her more tomorrow and see what she is feeling and what she thinks.

[ksk0_0]

Sounds like she's using you for emotional purposes or something.

If it goes too far, break it - your probably better off without her; there are plenty of girls out there who could treat you better. Sorry if I'm too direct but I don't know how else to say it.

 

Good Luck

[ocean9]

lil_shank,

 

Ya, hopefully I'll find out more tomorrow.

 

ksko,

 

I am concerned that I am being used for emotional support...like a friends with benefits thing. I appreciate the directness actually, thanks!

[kalshane]

Waitaminute.... you're not a couple , but you're telling this girl that you love her? Thats it, right there! Anyway, why would you stop seeing her? Just because shes got someone else shouldn't stop you from dating her. Just make sure she's not the only girl YOU date.

[ocean9]

We've been dating for months. We both say we love each other all the time. We are officially a couple. We both agreed to take it slow.

 

I never thought of dating other women. I think I might have to do that so that I'm not putting all my eggs into one basket. I'm not really interested in anyone else though. I should probably get out there and meet other people too!

 

Thanks.

[ticklebug]

ocean,

 

you have to decide if you are the type of person who dates one person at a time, or can date several people at once.

 

If you are a one at a time type, you need to find someone who is of the same mind...otherwise you just end up feeling used.

 

I'm concerned if you two are intimate that she just wants to keep you around just in case things don't progress with this new guy, at least she will have a "fallback" until another guy comes along...do you really want to be in that position? And what if she does choose this guy over you? With each passing time you sleep with her, you get that much more attached...so the longer you get strung along the more it is going to hurt.

 

After dating for what, since the beginning of summer, IMO, you deserve better than what she is doing to you. By now she should have known if she wanted things to progress with you or not...and she shouldn't have been looking to date other people. Or at the very least should have been honest with you...instead of you having to find out through a friend.

[ksk0_0]

ticklebug, you never seem to... (whats the word... hmm i'll use) disappoint me with your replies and posts

[ticklebug]

thanks ksk!

[ocean9]

ticklebug,

 

We don't see each other very often due to work and so forth. Neither one of us were interested in things progressing quickly. We've both been burned before, and were feeling cautious. We went really slowly for a few months. The intimacy built up really slowly. I am VERY concerned about getting more emotionally invested. I know that if the physical activity continues, I'll get more and more attached. I have to talk to her about that. We haven't slept together yet. Like I said, we are taking things really slowly. Maybe I'm going too slow? I'm sort of old fashioned. I want to be sure that there is a strong committment before I give myself to her completely.

 

Does it sound like she is stringing me along?

 

I think she may genuinely need to play the field. I'm going to ask her tomorrow. I need to know what she expects from me, because I may not be able to give her what she wants. If she wants me to always be on the back burner, that just won't work for me.

 

I don't think I could date several people at once. I've never really tried though, so I don't know.

[kalshane]

Try it, its not bad. Important note: No sex with more than one person though!

[ticklebug]

well I'm glad to hear things haven't gotten to the point of complete intimacy...but it could be that she feels things weren't going anywhere...and she wanted more but didn't know how to tell you..or she tried and you didn't pick up on it.

 

Now that I know there isn't sex involved...she's the one who could be feeling a bit "strung"...Yep, time for a big talk with her.

 

Don't compromise your values for the sake of this girl...if you are old fashioned and choose to date one at a time and see where it goes, that is an honorable quality. If she doesn't want that, it will be time to say goodbye.

[ocean9]

We see each other only once or twice a week. There actually weren't many opportunities for much intimacy due to work schedules unfortunately. We see each other during the day when we can fit it in. We have spent time with other friends too, and nothing could really happen with other people around. She is a bit of a workaholic, and has hardly any free time. A lot of our communication was through email and phone calls, which I regret now!

 

She said she wasn't ready for sex, I believed her, and I was respecting her. I don't think she could have possibly felt 'strung' along. I honored her wishes completely.

 

Ya, we've got to talk.

 

Maybe she was never interested enough, and I have been on the back burner all along?

[ticklebug]

could be...that is a question you have to direct her way...

 

good luck!

[PrincessLinzay]

If you're serious about this girl, I wouldn't be so willing to accept that she date you, while dating someone else at the same time. It's not a good foundation to start a relationship on, and you don't want her to think this behavior would be okay in future.

 

That's just my opinion, but Im not sure how I would feel about some guy I was dating letting me date other people at the same time. Could represent lack of interest, or that they don't really respect themselves a whole lot if they're really into me.

 

Let us know how it goes if you talk to her.