his grandmother died and i called him

[ajk]

i am having a hard time with this 'no contact' thing...

my ex and i have been talking about once a week, still working through the breakup feelings, and it is bringing us both down a lot.

at first i said i couldn't be friends...but he wanted to and i felt horrible for hurting him.

i talk to him and then two days pass and i feel awful--the withdrawal symptoms, i guess, and wanting to be close to him.

we were talking about meeting up over the holidays (for closure? for exchanging things?).

he left me a message yesterday that his grandmother died and he'd be flying to the funeral and would try to call me in a few days, but i called him back to see how he was and let him know i loved him and was thinking about him. i wanted to reach out to him in that moment, but now i am second-guessing myself, since every time i contact him feels like another time i am either hurting myself or ruining our chances to be back together.

is it all in my attitude? is it okay to have called?

he will be in the same city as me for a week around new year's. i told him yesterday that i haven't been sure about seeing each other but that it might be nice and that it's up to him. he got off the phone very quickly and seemed upset--said thanks for calling, bye, and hung up.

so...how do i respond if he calls? if he wants to see me or says he doesn't? (we are invited to the same new year's party...is it a bad idea to go?).

in a way i want so much to touch him and hug him and have the conversations we need to in person, and i want to look on it hopefully, but would i be killing myself to do that?

thanks so much for your replies...

[ticklebug]

ajk

 

he had a huge loss in his life, his grandmother...it was perfectly fine that you returned his call and offered sympathy....as a friend, like he wants it to be.

 

how he talked to you had nothing to do with you, talking about the death of someone is just plain awkward and uncomfortable.

 

You shouldn't stop your life just because you aren't together anymore, If there is a party to go to...go. If during the holidays you feel seeing him might be a bit more traumatic for you...have it wait until some other time.

 

in a way i want so much to touch him and hug him and have the conversations we need to in person, and i want to look on it hopefully, but would i be killing myself to do that?

 

what conversation do you NEED to have? From previous posts, it looks like he is pretty set with just beng friends and doesn't want more...that is something you need to work on coming to terms with.

[ajk]

hey ticklebug,

thanks for your reply. i'm not sure what you're referring to in my previous posts (i've only posted topics twice before). my conversations with my ex about the 'friends' thing have been confusing to say the least...it doesn't seem like he knows what he wants or why. perhaps it is true that people only want to be "friends" so they can have their cake and eat it, too, and not deal with their own abandonment issues. who knows!

in general, do you think it is impossible to renew a relationship? or just a bad idea?

[ticklebug]

I went back through your posts and you talked about this guy at one point...how you two broke up and the friendship thing...not sure if it was a post you started, or you were telling someone about it in their post...

 

anyway...

 

most people who do the "let's be friends" thing have good intentions of it from the start, but they find it's awkward...there are always going to be unresolved feelings and issues...the only ones that really work at being friends after dating are the ones who only dated very briefly...figured out it was an "oops" and settle back into what they were before...people who were in rather long term relationships...they are way past friendship...maybe it will work in a few years...but that is only if the new SO in their life doesn't have a problem with it.

 

Do people who split get back together, yeah sure sometimes, but it doesn't mean it was the right thing to do....Ex's ar ex's for a reason....something wasn't right and you failed to fix it before it got to the point of splitting. Or ignored it until it got bad..either way...you are better off taking the mistakes and learning from them to better enhance a new relationship (clean slate) instead of trying to bury the hurt of the break up and trying to start over...you can easily forgive wrongs, but unless you are knocked hard on the head...you rarely forget them...and the first fight...will remind you of everything that made you split and it can be ugly.