in a relationship but still hurt from the ex

[futuredentist]

I haven't visited the forum in a while, but I figured I'd check back in. It's great having this forum-I've described it before as one big group-therapy room so to speak. I won't rewrite my story-I've written it before. Basically, I was with my last gf from November-February last year-so "only" 3 months-but long enough for the breakup to be painful and still painful now. I think it's the intensity of feelings for someone that determines how hard a breakup is, not really the length of time together in the relationship, and I loved my ex-it was amazing how much we had in common and I thought she was the one I was waiting my entire life to meet. I've thought about her more recently as it's now the one year anniversary of everything that happened-I cried a bit on Nov 21 since that would have been an entire year together, and it's a little hard going through Christmas now seeing my family and knowing how much I wanted to bring her home-I remember last year at Christmas seeing my family I was so excited about the prospects of eventually bringing her home. I had hoped she would meet me for coffee sometime to make peace, but it won't happen. I recently e-mailed her and sent her a Christmas card-maybe I shouldn't have. The whole one-year anniversary thing is hard. I'm hoping that next Christmas I'll be better as I'll be in another state. I know I'll never be able to completely forget her though-there's no way to wipe your memory like Eternal Sunshine-that's been the subject of many other threads here.

 

That leads to my current situation. I've had a new gf for the past 3 months-same length as I was with my last ex-and things are pretty intense now-we have a very intense sex life and we're talking for hours and spending each weekend together. Even now though, I know I don't love her the same as I loved my ex-I just don't have as much in common with her. I almost feel like I'm settling-but I can't expect to find someone else who has all the same things in common with me my ex did-nobody else can possibly exists who is Catholic, a Yankees fan, a classical musician, a video game player, Transformers fan, fantasy novel reader, etc. After the breakup, I went 7 months without a relationship and it was difficult being alone and lonely-I went on tons of dates before finally finding my current gf. Now, at least I have someone, but I wonder if I'm in a relationship because it's a rebound, or something to fill my need for companionship. My current gf has said that I have this emotional wall around me and that I'm not opening up to her and she wants me to. I'm just unable to open up still-since I never made peace with my ex and most likely never will since my ex won't talk to me. I'm also not sure if it's right for me to be in a relationship now, as I'm finishing up dental school in 6 months and I will be moving back to my home state-my current gf does know that I'm leaving town in 6 months, but we're not really discussing that too much yet. I've told my current gf very little about my last ex-it's just not something I want to share with her too much-I don't want it thrown back in my face and used as ammunition in an argument or something and it's just something very painful that I don't want her to know about.

 

I guess I'm not sure what to do. I'm not angry with my ex anymore, I'm not bitter-I've forgiven her, but she and I never talked and made peace, and I don't expect that to happen since she won't talk to me. It only takes 1 person to forgive-and I forgave her, but it takes 2 to make peace.

 

I wonder if I should stay with my current gf-I don't know if it'll work after I leave town and go back to my home state, but I guess I'm too scared to break up as well, since I know how hard it is to find a gf-it took me 7 long and difficult months to do that after my last breakup.

 

I know everyone will just say I need to just forget my ex, accept that she won't talk to me, and move on without making peace with her, but that's much easier said than done, but I know I have to do it. I'm not too sure what to do about my current relationship.

[ashik]

whatever u do man, unless u r sure, dont make any promices to her as in dont get too close, dont lead her on. Im sayin this cuz, i realli dont think this is gonna last that long, and u wudnt want that same thing that happened to u, happen with her i.e all the hurt and the pain and the breakup. Make sure shes not too dependent on u. I'l say dont say anything, give it some time, if the feelings get stronger go with it. If not then u gota let go, and u gota do it VERY VERY NICELY.

[hockeyboy]

first of all your living in boston looking for a yankees fan?? not good. not good if your a yankees fan either cause boston chicks do not like that as im sure your very well aware. ill bite my tongue about the yanks now as im obviously a sox fan

 

regardless i know how you feel. the feeling of settling for a girl is not healthy. i was getting involved w/ a new girl till i realized i felt this way and now i need to end it cause i never want to settle. the thing is you will find someone else that you love MORE then your ex but you cant expect to find it right away. you dont have to have a gf right now, be patient. i was with a girl for 4 years..she left me and i was convinced she was the only girl for me. i was wrong, i found a BETTER girl whom i love more. now we're broken up and im convinced she is the girl for me. i probably will be till/if i find yet another girl who is even better. i have to try to remind myself this but its not easy.

 

i love my ex and want her back but i know if it does not work out that it will be ok and that ill find someone else. dont worry so much..you'll be fine...convert to a sox fan and you'll be even better

[ShuShu Fontana]

I was in pretty much the same situation. I went a year after the break up of my first bf before I found my current. I didn't fall in love with him until just about our year anniversary, which was two months ago. I considered leaving the relationship, too for many number of reasons. Constand compaing to my ex didn't help, us hanging out with my ex didn't help, all my insecurities and obessing over my ex didn't help. Sometimes I, too felt like I was in this relationship just for the sake of being in one. Something I said I'd never do.

It was just a long painful process of letting go...and I'm still letting go. My boyfriend loves me so much, does so much for me, we have a lot in common...he's really good for me.

You need to really evauluate what you want from a relationship, where you're going in life, and how you feel about this girl. Are you just comparing her too much to your ex? Listen to your gut. It'll never steer you wrong.

[futuredentist]

Well, obviously I know being a Yankees fan doesn't make me popular with ladies up in Boston, which is why I don't mention it at all. That's also what made my last ex so much more amazing-the fact that she grew up in Beverly, MA and is a Yankees fan. Obviously, though, I can't expect to find another Yankees fan in Boston, but of course I'm leaving Boston and going back to my native CT(right next door) and CT is a big Yankees fan base with a few Red Sox fans scattered here and there.

 

Maybe I wasn't patient enough-it was 7 months between relationships, but 7 months I guess isn't that long, is it? Maybe there is someone out there I'll love as much as my ex, who knows, I guess right now I'm just seeing where this current relationship goes, but as I said, I just don't love my current gf like I loved my ex.

 

Yes, if I do break up with my current gf-I know I have to do it very nicely and gently, I won't do it the way my last ex did it-by ignoring me for a few weeks and then e-mailing to break up. Still, it was my fault too that I got my ex angry-after a couple weeks, I started to get angry and say things I shouldnt have-it turned out she was sick the entire time with strep and whooping cough and bedridden and physically unable to talk-but she was planning to breakup with me anyway-the delay caused by her sickness made it bad.

 

My current gf knows I'm going back to CT-I've told her that since the beginning. I've never said to her "I love you" since I'm not quite ready to say that-it would be leading her on in the worst way to say that. I know my current gf has very strong feelings for me-she gave me her virginity and I know that's a big deal.

[ShuShu Fontana]

Maybe I wasn't patient enough-it was 7 months between relationships, but 7 months I guess isn't that long, is it? Maybe there is someone out there I'll love as much as my ex, who knows, I guess right now I'm just seeing where this current relationship goes, but as I said, I just don't love my current gf like I loved my ex.

 

And you probably never will. I don't think we ever love two people the same way. They are different people. But that doesn't mean you won't love her or someone else ever again. Love comes in all different forms and with someone new it's going to be different. There is no time limit on getting over someone, or on falling in love with someone new.

It really, really bothered me that I wasn't in love with my bf sooner than I was. I thought a year was a ridiculous amount of time to wait. Love isn't all fireworks and butterflys. Sometimes it creeps up on you over time. Keep an open heart. Time is a mofo.

[futuredentist]

I liked what you said about never loving 2 people the same way-everyone is different, so naturally we love them differently. I'm just going with my gut right now as to what to do-right now I'm staying with my current gf but I'm just not sure how it's all going to play out-so I'm taking a wait and see approach.

 

As for time limits, yeah I'm just taking things as they come. I thought there was something wrong with me-still hurting a year later from what was "only" a 3 month relationship.

[ShuShu Fontana]

I hate it when people tell you "well, it was only a three month relationship". Bullcrap. People would tell me "it was only 8 months". I think my ex even told me that. It was significant to you. It was intense. It was important. Screw anyone who tells you "it was only".

Go with your gut. It will never steer you wrong. Things may or may not work out with your current gf, but give it and her a chance. As long as you are focused forward and not back, you're on the right path.

 

"Sometimes the wrong direction is better than no direction at all." -Tramps and Thieves

[futuredentist]

Yeah-it was "only" three months-but it was intense and significant to me-and I truly thought that I was going to marry her-It was just amazing how much we had in common and I know I'll never meet anyone I have so much in common with. Well, my gut told me I was going to marry her, but I didn't, so your gut isn't always right. I'm just going with my gut right now with my current girlfriend-just taking things as they come.

[JT]

Im kind of in the same boat you are. Its been 8 months since my 2 year intense relationship in which case I broke it off. Usually I think its the most intense (good or bad) relationships that are the hardest to get over. I had about 2 rebound relationships during the course of 8 months. I was very honest with the girls about my situation, and they knew getting into it that they were rebounds, so we were very careful with the situations we placed ourselves in. I then met someone casually who I hooked up with. I did not expect that the relationship would go anywhere, but the fact that its so casual, so carefree and mutual that its been going on for about 3 months now. We still are not in a committed relationship, but we are very good friends with a defenite interest in eachother. Its defenitely a no pressure situation so I'm just letting it take its course. She is completely different than my ex of 2 years, thats the funny thing. We are very comfortable around eachother.

 

I guess its true about love and how it works in strange ways. I am not sure if I love this new girl or not.. but I defenitely care about her deeply. I have no agenda with her.. im just letting things take its course and I suggest you do the same.

 

I totally 100% agree with what your saying about your ex and how you loved her differently. I did the same with my ex.. it was just raw attraction to ger, the way we connected. However in other ways we were so different that compromise was near impossible. So you could have a high level of attraction on one hand.. and when you got along you really got along, but when you disagree.. you really disagree. And that's what broke us.

 

Just go with the flow.. if its meant to be then its meant to be and you'll work things out. Don't settle, else your always have your mind on the bigger better deal out there. I tend to have this frame of mind for whatever relationship I'm in, which is'nt necessarily healthy. However, I will say whenever I do feel this way and I do breakup, I always work on myself and better myself, so in a way its better for me.

[auburnslp]

Excellent post JT-you are right on the money-funny, that was my relationship with the ex as well-raw attraction, when things were great they were the best ever, but we couldn't get past some very important differences...

you give good advice-hope you stick around-lots of folks on here need just that...Michael

[ShuShu Fontana]

Well, my gut told me I was going to marry her, but I didn't, so your gut isn't always right. I'm just going with my gut right now with my current girlfriend-just taking things as they come.

 

I have a hard time being able to tell what my gut is telling me. My anxiety seems to scream too loud over it and I don't know who is who or what to listen to. It can be really confusing sometimes.

[futuredentist]

Sometimes I wonder if my current gf is someone I'm settling for because I can't have my ex-again, I certainly don't love her as intensely as I loved my ex. Being with someone is certainly better than being with nobody-auburn-I think you responded to an earlier thread I did last August as well-about how it's hard to hold out and find someone you love just as much.

 

Yeah, everyone says to just go with the flow, so that's what I'm doing, and I'll just see where this goes.

[auburnslp]

don't settle...I have said that all along, otherwise we will always look back instead of looking forward to the future with the new love...

I have refused to settle-have seen many girls in the last several months, and always let them go really quickly, because it is clear that the fire and passion is not there-don't drag something out hoping it will get better, or for the comfortable companionship, if you don't know that she is the one...of course if entered in a relationship with the clear knowledge on both sides that it is not serious and may never be, and just for fun, casual companionship-nothing wrong with that-that way nobody gets hurt-but if your partner is starting to fall for you and getting more serious, which was happening to me-then time to let it go so nobody gets hurt...does that make sense?

[Scottrn]

That makes sense, just remember to be honest and up-front with her. No leading on or saying things just to make her happy, because that won't work in the long run and she'll think poorly of you.

Go with it, enjoy yourself, but don't sacrifice anything!

[futuredentist]

Yeah. the absolute last thing I want to do is to hurt someone, especially seeing how badly my ex hurt me. I wonder if our exes who hurt us actually have hearts-like do they care one bit for the intense pain that they cause another human being? Probably not-many of them are selfish and only care about themselves, not for others.

 

My current gf knows that I'm leaving town in 6 months and I'm not sure what will happen, so we're just going with the flow.

 

These next couple months will be hard for me-since it was exactly a year ago I was with my last ex who I loved and am still in love with. I think it's been said on this forum before that once you love someone, you always do-in that a part of your heart is always with them. Even the ex before who I'm still friends with-the breakup was mutual-I still miss her as well. I'm coming to realize that I'll always feel sad about my last ex-I've forgiven her, but she won't make peace with me-it only takes 1 to forgive, but 2 to make peace.

 

I've been told that when we meet someone truly amazing, we'll forget all our exes who hurt us. My current gf is a great person, but I guess I don't love her enough to forget my exes-I certainly don't love her as much or have as much in common as I did with the last ex. I guess that's why I wonder if I'm just settling.

 

Sorry I'm repeating so much I already said in earlier posts.

[futuredentist]

Just a quick extra thought-I've also found that having a gf now can often make me think of and miss my ex more-like I compare them in my head, sometimes I sigh in thinking that "It's nice to be with someone, but I still miss my lost love".

[auburnslp]

let her go D.D.S....let her go...

Sorry to be blunt...but clearly this is a comfortable thing, a settling thing-yes you are settling. I heard you, heard you are leaving soon and all that, but don't let her get close to you or you will hurt her, because it sounds like she is not the "one" for you...don't make that mistake and make someone miss you even a little-not when you can't offer her your heart...

Listen brother, it might have been one of my posts or someone else's that wrote that you won't ever truly get over your last love until you find one better-I have written at length over that, because it is true. But the point is-you will find better. And you will find that one that absolutely loves you and you her-but for now-take a huge step back and don't cause rebound pain for you or anyone else.

It takes time and practice after we have been wrecked-believe me, I have just done all that-and now, as soon as I see that there is no fire and passion-I let it go-have seen 3 girls in the last 4 months that I have had to let go-they liked me a LOT, and it was never easy, in fact it sucked-letting go of a comfortable companion and a bed-mate-but I knew I had to do it, because they were falling for me-so I ended it before they got too attached...very hard to do, but honesty is key there-just a "I am not really ready for a serious relationship" will suffice...I could have dragged any one of those relationships on, and had companionship, sex, love, etc....but-those girls were not the one-and if this girl is not the one-don't give up hope-I don't-I won't. I sit here alone on the night before Christmas Eve wrapping presents-had a fleeting memory of the love-the ex-and then gone-all gone. And I am good-and so will you be. Patience brother, patience...

And I think you are right on the money for the most part about our exes...no, they do not have hearts, at least not like ours...that is why they were so easily able to hurt us, and that is why we were so hurt...but you know what? Our lives are and will be so much richer than theirs, due to the inherent ability that we have to feel, live, laugh, love-so much more than they are able...yes it hurts badly-but I wouldn't trade my heart for theirs for a million dollars...

Yes you are right-you will never forget your love-and you will always love her in a way-just as I do all my past loves...they are a part of us. As far as making peace? Forgive me brother, but this sounds like you holding on to a hope of coming together one last time to hash things out and then walk away crying and sad??? You are right it takes one to forgive...you have done so with your own words-you know what the next healthy step is? The next step is to begin to forget...to move on...you owe her nothing, and she owes you nothing, as harsh as that is. Stop thinking of making peace with her-instead think of making peace with yourself-and brother, you don't need her to do that-you only need you-it's hard, sad, tough, brutal-but when you do that you will begin to wake up with a smile-you will cease to dream of her-you will look forward to new days and new adventures...Lord I hope I am not insane, this is just how it has gone for me-I would hate to be offering irrational advice...

Got to let go brother-got to move on-as hard and painful as it is-you have that strength in you-time to use it now. You are entering a new chapter in your life-new profession-new city-scary yes, but Lord how many of us would give our eye-teeth to have that opportunity??? A fresh start-don't drag any burdens behind...

Brother-really-my best-I wish you the absolute best. I can't tell you what is right-I hope I didn't come off that way-I am just telling you of my experiences...and our situations are similar, so I felt like maybe it was all relevant...

Merry Christmas Dentist....if you see any cleft palates send them my way-I'm auburnSLP after all

Michael

[futuredentist]

Hi, Yes, it was one of your posts that said that you won't get over your last love until you meet someone better. Yes, right now, I'm comfortable-I have a companion and a bed-mate every weekend. It was hard waiting 7 months in between relationships. Maybe someone better will come along, I don't know. Still, I'm not sure right now-this current relationship just might be it-I'm with a very nice person who treats me well and that's hard to find-so I'm just taking it as it goes-and I'm hoping that after the whole 1 year anniversary with my ex passes, I'll be better.

 

Every other time I've broken up with someone, we've at least met for coffee just to have peace and closure so we could both have our questions answered, so yes, I was hoping to do this-but I guess it would make me feel sad-even if she and I were cordial and had a nice chat-it might make me miss her more. This is the first time I've ever had to try to make my own peace and closure-and there are some things I wish I knew from my ex but I have to accept that I never will know them. I have to not feel that she owes me this-the only thing she owed me was to return my things I lended her-which she finally did after I was asking her for 3 months to do so. I don't know if you're religious at all-but I've also found comfort in believing that she and I will reconcile in heaven someday.

 

Even though I'll never completely forget her, I'm hoping that after Vday(which is the one year anniversary of the last time I saw her), I'll be able to think of her less. The whole 1 year anniversary had made me think of her more-especially Christmas-knowing that we were together last year at this time. I hate to think that having her in my last was a complete waste of time with no good reason, but since we're not friends, it was a waste of time meeting her. I think it's good that I'm going to another state in 6 months-I won't have any choice but to move on-since it will be a new chapter in my life-it would not even be possible to meet for coffee. It'll be easier leaving things behind-when I'm not driving by the same places she and I used to go, or playing music in the same concert hall where I took her to my concerts, or sitting on the same couch where she and I used to make love, etc. Actually, I'm not scared to move to a new city-I'll be back in my home state of CT, so it's really not a new city-it's moving back home.

[futuredentist]

Just need to add-that I also need to stop feeling sorry for myself-as much as the breakup hurts, I have to realize that I'm very lucky to have the things I have in life-good family, good career, good brain, healthy, etc. Sometimes that can be not too comforting, almost like I feel like a baby that is hungry and instead someone is offering me a stuffed toy which won't help my hunger, but I need to be happy for the things I have.

[auburnslp]

I'm sorry-maybe my last post was a little too opinionated, and that is dangerous because I don't know the details, or at least the whole story-I have read your posts but only you and she know exactly all of it...

Don't even say that you should stop feeling sorry for yourself-you are doing fine and you need the time still to grieve and get over your ex. That is not feeling sorry for yourself-that is healing-embrace it without shame.

If you and your new girl are relatively happy together and comfortable and also not getting too involved, since you will be leaving soon, you should stick with that. Nothing at all wrong with that-all I was trying to say late last night was that if she is falling for you and you know that eventually you will let her go, the sooner is better than later, for both of your sake's. He**, I wish I had someone like that-unfortunately it seems that the girls I find fall for me, and I haven't yet for any of them, so I end it quickly-wish I could find a comfortable relationship that didn't get too serious to have before I find the true love of my life-and that, as we know-takes time and patience to find...

I am religious too, though my faith has been attacked due to the circumstances of my ex leaving me for her ex husband-due in her mind to God telling her that she cannot marry me and must reconcile with her ex-husband-unfortunately, it's in the Bible, and there is no arguing against that when dealing with a person who takes the Bible completely literally. But, yes I am still religious, still have faith-but-I don't believe me and Jill are going to reconcile in Heaven-she has made her choice and while she will love me in Heaven I am sure-she will be with her ex in Heaven, and I will be with the love of my life that I hope to find one day, the one that God has in store for me...sorry, but that is my belief on that subject-not to say it is right of course, but that is what I believe...

You know what? It is healthy and helpful to look ahead as you are and making a date the day we turn and admit it is all over, and then start to truly heal...I did that actually too-I made it two months after I initiated no contact, and it worked-I even marked it on my calendar. For you, if V day is the one year date and it has a kind of significance for you, then use it. After that day passes though, you should be able to start to truly let go. Try to avoid any cards or anything like that, it won't help, and it's bad to let them know we are struggling-they don't deserve that upper hand. So my advice would be that from now until V day, you should be doing everything you can to truly start letting go, and actually looking forward to that day as the day you start over, start fresh, start new...could be a wonderful thing if you can make it happen....

Good luck, have a Merry Christmas-time to start cooking! Got a feast to prepare, both tonight and tomorrow-I am the cook in our family, and I have the grandchildren, so everyone comes to my place...chicken parmesan and assorted sides tonight, prime rib, roasted potatoes, yorkshire puddings, honey ginger glazed carrots, broccoli for Christmas dinner-yummy, but tons of prep work! Got to run-everyone have a wonderful Christmas, smile! It is after all a very happy day-try not to let it pass you by...and dentist-hang in there brother, you will be just fine, I promise-in time, everything will work itself out...Michael

[futuredentist]

Hey, I figure this won't be read for a while-my famiy is going away after Christmas for a few days so I may not be back, but thank you again for your posts. I think what you said is probably what I would say to a friend who was asking for advice.

 

My current gf and I are comfortable together now-she is definitely falling for me though, I know that-but just because I'm leaving town doesn't necessarily mean I'll be letting her go-maybe she could move-it's only one state over, maybe even try dating long-distance, but we'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

 

Vday does have some significance since it's the one year date, but I don't think I could actually start fresh until I move back to CT. Speaking about time to grieve-I never really took time to do nothing but grieve-I pretty much grieved at the same time I was looking for another woman-but it took me 7 months to do that-so I did plenty of grieving in the meantime and am still grieving now. And if the ex won't make peace and closure with me, I must do it myself-which probably won't fully happen until I return to CT.

 

And I think in heaven-we will all be friends with everyone-there will be no hurt feelings or pain left-that's why it's heaven.