Relationship cool off - wants to see me without intimacy

[Matt-Lee]

I posted a thread on this site last week titled "she wants me in her life but not as my girlfriend" - about my girlfriend calling off the relationship as we were argueing alot and she had started to get too abusive and controlling.

 

My girlfriend can get quite hot headed and verbally abusive when she has bad mood swings, doesn't get her own way, or cannot handle a difference of opinion or critisism.

 

Bearing in mind she is only just 18 and has had experiences of an angry household through childhood, school bullying, abortion at 15, and problems with contraception which effected our sex life.

 

Over the weekend we were both going to a party (separately) as we know the same groups of friends. At first I was unsure about going as I was still not clear on what was going on with us. She told me she didn't want to be my girlfriend but continued to want to see me and talk to me but refused to discuss feelings and the relationship. I didn't want the night to be awkward for us but decided to go and get there at the beggining to catch up with everyone. I had spent last week feeling depressed and confused about what was happening and how to react to her so when I got there I decided I was going to enjoy myself and not let her see it had effected me.

 

I had a really good time and people told me that I looked really well and I regained my confidence and danced the night away. When my girlfriend arrived I was not immediately chatty but said hello and asked how she was. As the night went on she seemed a bit down and was sitting in the corner. I kept going over briefly for a friendly chat about general stuff. At one point she said "why are you being nasty to me?". I said "what do you mean?" - she said that I kept going off - in other words she wanted me to stay by her side - or maybe wanted to talk more - I told her that I was just catching up with everyone and I made sure I kept going over and chatting to her aswell.

 

In the end she pulled me outside and said that she loved me. She wanted affection and she told me that she thought she needed counselling. I held her for a while without really speaking about us.

 

She asked me to come home and we fell asleep in each others arms without needing to be intimate. I went home in the morning.

 

The next day she asked me over when she finished work and I went, dressed up nice, and offered to cook for her family. Again we spent the night. I went to make a move and she shyed off (my fault) - I was still a bit confused and wanted to know what was going on. For the first time in weeks she spoke about her feelings and thoughts. She said that she is confused about what she wants and how she feels. She said that I am very confident, open and sure about who I am and my feelings for her. She said that she is trying to understand how she can feel like this (she is a bit unsure of herself although she has so much going for her). She said she just wants to test the water and take it slow to see if we can have a future and also to give herself space to work out who she is. She said to not push her and to let her come to me - just like Friday night at the party.

 

I am happy with this as now I know where I stand - It's what we both needed and now we are not so dependant on one another and have the space to focus on our own lives. Whenever we have seen each other and NOT discussed the relationship it has been great.

 

I want to make the right decisions with what is happening - am still a bit confused as not sure how long this may go on for, or how long it will take before we can express our feelings more intimatly, and don't want to push her.

 

Has anyone been through this kind of experience before and is there any advice on how to play it safely from here?

 

Thanks peeps

[cassiana]

My brother's first girlfriend treated him in a similar manner. She had gynacological problems, claimed she hhad been abused by a man etc and she was 16, and my brother 18 when they dated. He had the chance to go to university about 90 miles away but she wanted him to stay with her. She dumped him when he wouldn't bow to her wishes. He was gutted. Whenever he would be home he would visit her. She encouraged him whether she was dating on not. When she was engaged my brother called to see her after coming home from where he was then working. She made moves on him. He was thrilled and told me. I told him what I'm telling you now. "Beware for that's one dangerous woman". He was furious with me, because he didn't want to face the truth. Yes she married the other man and they separated two years later.

I think your ex sounds like her. She's using and abusing you. Shes telling stories of being damaged and frail but is probably an iron butterfly. She tells you she doesn't want you too close but is annoyed when you don't hang around her like a lovesick puppy. Then rather than admit it she asks you why you are being nasty. Shes manipulating you. I wouldn't go within a mile of her if I were you.

[sisterlynch]

My husband is kind of like that too. It is almost like he is role-playing his way thru life and trying not to get too close to people at the same time.

 

Like he has this nice exterior that he wears as a mask in public, but if I do or say the wrong thing, or if someone else seems to have something that he doesn't he gets really moody and he can become abusive at times.

 

He can be extremely critical at times too. He is at his best when he feels successful and well-respected. The problem is that these feelings come from the outside world rather than from within.

 

It is a constant balancing act to make him happy, but not too too happy, because then he may feel guilty...narcisistic guilt...

[cassiana]

I know some men like that. They have an argument with their boss but cannot answer him back and come back and take it out on people who cannot fire them.

My brother's ex gf came from a background where education was not respected. She was the only one who stayed on until 18. I wonder did my brother's intention to go to university make her feel threatened. That to keep him she had to drag him down to her level.

I sometimes read about spouses trying to make their partners pack on a few pounds to make them less attractive. Never underestimate the lengths people will go to control other people. To be honest I always doubted my brother's GF's abuse stories.

[atlas]

Your situation sounds a lot like mine (a LOT). It is a tough position to be in for sure.

 

I guess you can look at it in one of two ways...she is abusing what you guys have together or she is telling you the truth. For me I am taking my ex's proclamations at face value and really trying to listen and respect what she is saying she needs right now.

 

I agree 100 percent with you that now is the time to back up and focus on yourself. Let her come to you, nothing else to do.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Matt-Lee]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

It has got to the point where I am confused about who she is myself. She has two personalities - one that love's me to pieces and another that despises me. It is very hard to predict which one you will talk to and sometimes it's like walking on egg shells as any form of disagreement may sometimes trigger her abusive side.

 

All I have ever done is loved her regardless of these issues and believed that she is strong enough to sort herself out.

 

Only time will tell but the abuse is going to stop right now. She has set the rules with her terms on how slow we should take it. I am not really sure at the moment whether this is an attempt to emotionally control me or not. I need to set my own rules and terms that she must respect. I will also need to work out how to react if she does loose her rag.

 

I am going to go with it until New Year and see what she does - if there is no change then I'm going to back right off.

 

The one thing I know is that the first stage of getting back together is to discuss the problems we had, why we were arguing, and what we are going to do to stop hurting each other. She will need to admit that she has this problem - perhaps going to a couple counsellor may help her see that her peception and values to a relationship may need improvement and changes. If she can start by doing this I will know she is serious about sorting herself out.