My mother thinks we will not want her if she cannot do household chores

[darcyausten]

I am 35 and stay with my parents. It's the culture here in my country to stay with them. I am not married. And I have a sister who stays in another city in the same country. She too isn't married as well.

 

Last week, I happened to realise my mother has this feeling that she won't be wanted in the house if she isn't fit enough to do household work. She cooks, washes the dishes, keeps the house clean, and does every possible chore in the house. She also did wash the clothes sometime ago until I put my foot down and bought an automatic washing machine for her. She is 63.

 

I don't know how to make her understand that I will still want her in the house and to stay with me even if she slows down and takes it easy. She refuses to keep a servant because she thinks that's a sign she is not required in the house.

 

I love them both - my mother and my father. And it pained me to happen on the realisation I mentioned a paragraph above. The problem is even if I tell her that I will want her to stay with me despite what happens to her, she will not believe me. The other day she looked at the statue of Our Lady and the Cross and said: "In this world, everyone comes alone and goes alone as well." And she garbed that with so much grit that I knew that inside she was very unsure of her future with me.

 

The thing is: I am feeling guilty about allowing her to think that way. In fact, now I feel there is no way I can undo that thought in her head.

 

I just don't know what to do, and I don't like it that I don't know what to do. I feel terrible about this and I feel I have let her down.

 

Can anyone - anyone - offer me some words of advice about how to deal with this?

 

In melancholy sadness but doing my best to keep my spirits up,

Darcy Austen

[catfeeder]

The thing is: I am feeling guilty about allowing her to think that way. In fact, now I feel there is no way I can undo that thought in her head.

 

I just don't know what to do, and I don't like it that I don't know what to do. I feel terrible about this and I feel I have let her down.

 

Tell your Mom this and ask her what you should do.

[Kendahke]

Well, one things is for certain, you can't make her think what she doesn't want to think.

 

All you can do is through action--showing her that she is wanted in your life.

 

You may have to sit her down, take her hands, tell her to look in your eyes and ask her if she ever believes that you would lie to her? When she says no, tell her "then I want you to hear me and to believe me that there will never come a day when I do not need you, mommy. And needing you does not mean that I want you to tire yourself out cleaning up behind me. You've done that and have acquitted yourself admirably and lovingly for all of my growing up years. Now that I'm grown and have a good job and can afford it, I want you to relax. I want you to put your feet up. I want you to rest and let someone else deal with cleaning. I'd rather that you be brought a nice cup of tea, and whatever little pasttime you like to do: reading a book, knitting something, surfing on the laptop---heck, even going to get your nails and toes done. It's time for you to enjoy some rest and relaxation and I want to make sure you get to do that".

 

Something along those lines. Let her know she is wanted if all she does is sit and watches games shows all day.

[Clio]

You shouldn't take responsibility for your mother's feelings of fear and loneliness. Her fears are her own. You cannot control other people's fears and thoughts and you are NOT responsible for them. You can reassure her that she will never be left in the streets for as long as you are alive and that you will always love her but that's all you can do really. It sounds like she may have some kind of depression and that she is feeling alone. If that is the case, this is NOT your fault. If she continues to feel depressed after you discuss her fears with her, a mental health professional might be able to help if she is open to it.

 

I too come from a culture where parents are revered. What you need to be VERY careful with in this situation is that you don't remain stuck in a childlike mentality because of it. Your mother IS important but you should not make her the centre of your universe nor let her mood swings affect you like that. You are NOT responsible for her feelings of loneliness. Her feelings come from her own personal issues, fears and childhood traumas. You are an adult with a mind of your own. You need to have clear boundaries in your mind regarding how a healthy adult-parent relationship should be. Feeling that you have let her down is unreasonable. She is feeling alone because she is not happy with her life for some reason. The healthy way to deal with this is to discuss her fears with her and reassure any irrational fears she may have. But there needs to be a boundary e.g. you should NOT spend your whole life stuck in your house catering to her fears. You also need to focus on your own life and goals or you will find YOURSELF alone in your old age. Your mother has your father and her children. Who will YOU have if you spend your whole youth stuck living with your parents?

 

The problem with cultures like our own is that sometimes people lose sense of healthy boundaries. Your parents' feelings are their own, they are adults and they should deal with life's hardships just like everyone else. Parents should be looked after but NOT to the extent that children end up sacrificing their own lives to do so. You should live your life the way you want to. And someday have your own family. Your parents should always be welcomed into your house but not be allowed to dictate/interfere negatively with your life. Good luck!

[alcide]

don't give up, shower her with love, when she is doing chores call her to join u looking at a movie, or occupy her with chats or just start helping her so she takes a rest. ask her to stop.

[darcyausten]

Thank you people! Your replies were all thoughtful and have got me thinking about what I should do. Yes, as Clio said, I need to draw a boundary and I need to remember that or else such incessant worrying and pondering will take its toll on me in every which way.

 

Thank you all. You all have been such wonderful people! And I am glad I posted my predicament here!