Should i just let it go?

[Wiseguy90]

Yesterday I received a text from the girl i was recently in a relationship with. We hadn't talked in approximately 3 weeks after she told me she remianed confused as to what she wanted. I took this as there was someone else in the picture - particularly her ex-fiance.

 

In her text she mentioned being out the prior night and being disappointed she didnt get to see me. She asked several questions about how different life areas were. Our conversation flowed just as well as it had when we were together. She updated me on her father's well being and acknowledged this was still stressful for her. I decided to sugest spending some time together yesterday afternoon; she agreed and said she would contact me later in the day. I was surprised when she later suggested we meet at her sister/brother in laws place. I have become friends with them and see them regularly. We met there and spent a considerable amout of time together. We had a few moments alone where we chatted. She left fairly late and i followed soon after. I didnt hear from her that night.

 

This morning i woke up and she was on my mind immediately. Having spent the evening with her and her family it made me realise that is a place where i want to be in life and everything with her feels right. I still have it in my mind that she has returned to her ex, yet no one can confirm this. I had basically accepted the end of the relationship and had decided to move on, but spending time with her brought back legitimate feelings. I have so far resisted the temptation to text her and comment on how great it was seeing her last night.

 

I'm on the fence now. Do i just let this go and chalk up our time together as friends or should i pursue her and see what may come of it?

[Kendahke]

You need to first ask her if she is back with her ex. Then you can figure out whether or not to chalk it up or pursue her.

 

and dont' do it by text. Do it in person,.

[Wiseguy90]

You need to first ask her if she is back with her ex. Then you can figure out whether or not to chalk it up or pursue her.

 

and dont' do it by text. Do it in person,.

 

how do i broach the subject with her? just come out and say it. She ended our previous conversations with a statement claiming she was confused yet felt safe with me. I figured if she wanted to be with me she would be. Clearly there is something impeding her ability to be with me.

 

I had initially told myself i was the rebound; but who hangs out with their rebound, especially around a young family?

 

Feels sort of like she is finalising things with her ex while trying to keep me in the background.

[Kendahke]

how do i broach the subject with her? just come out and say it. She ended our previous conversations with a statement claiming she was confused yet felt safe with me. I figured if she wanted to be with me she would be. Clearly there is something impeding her ability to be with me.

 

that's why you have to ask her--because she isn't coming out and declaring anything. Before you can make any kind of move in any direction, you need to know if you're stepping out onto solid rock or if you're stepping out onto a cloud because it's a long way to fall going by assumptions and speculation when it's easier to ask her "are you back/ involved with your ex?"

 

I had initially told myself i was the rebound; but who hangs out with their rebound, especially around a young family?

 

you'd be surprised what "confused" women do.

 

Feels sort of like she is finalising things with her ex while trying to keep me in the background.

 

He's not her ex until he's out of the picture altogether and she definitively states that fact.

[Wiseguy90]

you'd be surprised what "confused" women do.

 

 

I'm slowly realising "confused" can have several meanings. Had a very brief conversation with her last night whereby i mentioned it was good seeing her; she reciprocated the feelings and mentioned how she had a good time. Figured i would leave it at that.

 

 

He's not her ex until he's out of the picture altogether and she definitively states that fact.

 

When we started our relationship she mentioned she was done with him for several reasons. He continued to text/call in order to beg for her back. She was open in telling me about their contact. I never questioned it or gave her a difficult time; it was refreshing to have someone be honest. I have been in his position where i would do anything to get a woman back (I was much younger than he is; actually, i'm surprised a man who is nearing 40 would behave in such a manner).

 

I should have been more cautious and should have known not to mess with broken hearts, despite it being her that left him. The best course of action is clearly to ask her what is going on and make a decision based on that. I had a conversation with her brother in law a while ago after i had mentioned the relationship had ended. He acknowleged this being a pattern for her and she tends to beat a relationship to a pulp to be certain it is over.

[sharky988]

*Confused* often means *conflicted."

 

As in: "I'm using you as a backup plan and I know it isn't right, but I'm doing it anyway, so I'm conflicted."

[Wiseguy90]

*Confused* often means *conflicted."

 

As in: "I'm using you as a backup plan and I know it isn't right, but I'm doing it anyway, so I'm conflicted."

 

conflicted seems to be the more appropriate terminology. Her actions appear to indicate a person who is attempting to keep someone on the backburner. I have no desire to be this person and i had been moving along with life nicely until i received a random text from her.

 

At this stage i am starting to wonder if it is even worth having the conversation with her about whether she is with her ex or not. If she wanted to be with me now, she would. I dont want to be with someone who puts me second.

[sharky988]

Honestly, for the sake of your moving on, I'd try and get some more clarity on where she is so you get the information you need to know so you can move on.

 

The thing is, whether or not she's back with her ex, she's NOT being upfront with you about her feelings. She's not saying she wants to get back together. She's just trying to hang out with you in a non-commital, undefined way.

 

Undefined is a huge red flag.

 

Undefined means..... "I'm not telling you what's really going on because if you knew, you wouldn't be hanging out with me anymore."

 

This girl is being very shady, just imo. Unless and until she comes out and asks to get back together, I'd walk away from this.

 

But before you go No Contact, in your shoes I'd just let her know what you're doing and why -- that you need some time without contact so you can heal and move on. Let her know you're stopping contact so you can get over her. That way, if she DOESN'T want you to move on from her, she has the chance to say so. And if she says nothing, you know she's fine with losing you as a romantic option.

[Wiseguy90]

good point. She never has said she wants to be back together. Her statements would say things such as, "I miss how easy our relaitonship was", "I feel safe with you", all the things that make it easier for her - no reconcilitation comments. When i last saw her she was crying her eyes out explaining how sorry she was for everything and i assumed at that point we would have a discussion about where this could go. The next day it immediately became a topic about her confusion as to whether or not she could be involved with someone.

 

Putting it out there is the best way to go. I will at least get my answer and the games should stop. This is clearly indicating red flag in my eyes!