In A Weird Spot Right Now

[jackofall]

Quick background: I started seeing someone last October and it only lasted a month or so. The thing was it started off very fast, but I rolled with it simply because she really seemed like the kind of person I had been waiting patiently for (I have been labeled extremely picky by multiple friends). I'd been almost completely single for 2+ years, dealt with a lot of pain, but when things started moving forward with this girl it felt like everything was falling into place. Everything made sense again, we just needed time to get to know each other. Well after those short few weeks she broke it off, citing not having healed from a long relationship and also that we'd moved too fast. It hurt bad. Not that I didn't respect her position but she had talked in the future tense a lot, as if her and I were a given and that we'd be spending a lot of time together in the future. We stayed in touch sporadically for another month or so, hanging out once as friends.

 

There were mixed signals all over the place around that time, but now I haven't talked to her in about 3 months. The odd thing is she was the last person to initiate, asking me how my weekend was at one point. I texted her a couple of weeks later and got the cold shoulder. Regardless it's safe to say that that relationship is dead in the water, and I've come to terms with that in some ways but I still think about it a lot though, like I missed out on something. Worse, as time goes on I suspect she was just sparing my feelings with all the excuses. Why cease to even text me? I feel inadequate, like here was this great person who fit what I was looking for perfectly, and there was one or more things I just couldn't give them. Even worse, I think of her enjoying time with some imaginary other guy who has traits I just don't have. It makes me feel like I aspire to meet a type of girl that wouldn't think I was good enough anyways.

 

I know, it was a very short term thing and I should probably be over it. It just seems like things were happening, like REALLY happening for me, after years of wondering if it ever would. Then as soon as I got used to it it was gone. I was kind of bad off for a couple months, then somewhat better, but I'm still taking a sick day every 2-3 weeks off of work because my mind just isn't there. I feel like I've regressed. I've unfollowed her on Facebook and I don't check to see what she's posted anymore, but I still scroll through my Friends List every couple weeks in hopes she still has me on hers. Like it even matters. I don't know why I do it. It's almost worse that I'm aware of all this and I still do it. Like, I DON'T want to do it anymore but I still do. I'm not a weird guy, at least I don't think so. I have friends, family, coworkers that enjoy my company. I play sports, I have a lot of interests. I don't like the idea that the word "obsessing" is an apt description of what I'm doing. It doesn't sit well with me, yet here I am still thinking about all this.

[Ms Darcy]

Let's take the focus off of her for a moment. I actually think you might be a bit of a committment-phobe.

 

Why?

 

1. Friends say you are picky? Check.

2. Still licking wounds over long ago past hurts? Check.

3. Fell in infatuation fast with an idea/not someone you knew well? Check.

4. Still pining over that idea? Check.

 

Seems like you are either stuck in the past or hoping for the future. Not really living in the present. Stuck in the past with numbers 2 and 4. Hoping for the future with number 3. Not living in the present with number 1.

 

With guys like you the number one thing is learning to let go of this stranglehold you have on the notion of perfection. Perfectionism is code for fear. You can't deal with the very real imperfections in you and the other person that may come up as you date.

 

If your health is being so negatively affected, I think it's time for you to see a counselor. Have some honest conversations about your past history (not this recent girl only) and learn to deal with your hurts.

[jackofall]

Probably the most insightful response I've had to any of this from anyone. Thanks. I definitely used to be a commitment-phobe (not saying I'm definitely not one now). The thing is if anything I feel like I'm almost flung too far in the other direction now. If I click with someone, even if it's a friend of a friend on a night out, my mind starts going 100 mph about the possibilities. It's like I'm too anxious for it to happen now if anything.

 

The "looking for perfection" thing I don't know if it should be attributed to actually looking for perfection or just starting to figure out what I like in a person. I don't dismiss women that might be interested in me if they don't come off a certain way. Hell I'd love nothing more than a consistent string of dates, so take it for what it's worth.

 

FYI I have been seeing someone for about 7-8 sessions now. I saw the same person when I went through a big break up a few years ago (the one I briefly mentioned). It's helping but not much. Seems like we never get to the heart of the matter, and I'm not sure if it's a fault of mine or his.

[Ms Darcy]

Glad I could help! Just one thought for you ...

 

The thing is if anything I feel like I'm almost flung too far in the other direction now. If I click with someone, even if it's a friend of a friend on a night out, my mind starts going 100 mph about the possibilities. It's like I'm too anxious for it to happen now if anything.

 

This seems to be the OTHER side of the commitmentphobia coin. It's like when you go from loving someone to hating them ... in both circumstances you have a strong, passionate attachment to this person. In your case running away from relationships is similar to running towards a relationship. In both circumstances you are unable to handle the strong feelings stirred up by intimacy in a healthy way.