Muddling through

[Firiel]

I'm thinking it might be good for me to have a solo journal in addition to my public one. I feel like right now, there are some things I want to work through more on my own, specifically in regards to my relationship and my continued healing from my divorce.

 

So to start with-- here's something that has been bothering me lately.

 

I'm realizing that I assume the worst about men now. I don't carry the prejudice over to people I've actually met and talked to. I've met plenty of men since my divorce that I really like and think are good people. But when I hear about an identity-less man, I automatically assume the worst-- that he is controlling, a liar, and a jerk. I don't like that. It really bothers me that I've developed this prejudice. I know exactly why, of course. My own personal experience. It's not even remotely factual. But every time I hear of a man that is a controlling liar, I experience the confirmation bias. "Oh, well, there's another one. Men are jerks!" Logically, I can recognize what is happening, and I know it's not true. But the gut reaction continues to happen, and it bothers me. I don't want to judge someone based on his gender. It's not fair, and I know that.

 

I just don't know how to get over it.

[Firiel]

I don't quite know how to say this without sounding like I'm unhappy in my relationship, which is probably the main reason I've not brought it up to G. I don't want to leave. He makes my life better and treats me really well. But I feel like if I did want to leave, it wouldn't be an option (which sounds so horrible, I know!).

 

He's looking for work and has been unemployed for awhile. He's struggling with a lot right now, and I feel for him. I love him so much and I want good things for him, but he's going through a period where things just aren't really working in his favor. I sometimes feel like I'm the only thing he really feels is positive about his life, the only thing that's still kind of grounding him. I worry that if I were to leave, something bad would happen to him which probably sounds arrogant and self-serving, I realize. But even though I don't want to leave, I feel like I still want that option to be available (understandable, I think... I haven't committed to a lifetime with him and don't want to be even implicitly held to that standard). It doesn't feel available right now, and that has served to make me feel a little bit trapped.

 

Of course, these feelings are coming from me, not him. He's never said things that have worked to guilt me into staying with him. If he knew I even felt this way, he would be horrified and feel terrible, which is another reason I've not mentioned this stuff to him. I just can't bear to bring up these doubts I have when he's feeling positive because that just doesn't happen all that often. The last thing I want to do is bring him down when he's finally feeling positive about things. And it seems just mean to discuss this stuff when he's already struggling that day, like kicking a guy when he's down.

 

But all of this is actually almost making me happy I went through what I did with B. While I think I'm erring on the side of not being assertive enough (just because G is struggling doesn't mean my concerns are unimportant), I know how not to act with a partner struggling with depression. And having been in a similar position before makes me more understanding of G right now. I'm more able to understand that his feelings are not a reflection of me than I would have been, and I don't feel guilty for trying not to let his mood affect mine-- in other words, I don't feel guilty for being happy if he's feeling down.

 

Relationships are complicated.

[Firiel]

Ugh. I'm so insecure. It's driving me crazy, and I don't know how to address it.

[Firiel]

I realized something recently. I still kind of live in fear. In the past six years, I've gone through two pretty harrowing and heartbreaking relational experiences.

 

First, my parents and I had a falling out. When they found out that B and I were going "too far" physically, they came down on me. They almost cut of my funding for college. They started to think of me as a bad person, someone throwing her life away. They used subversive emotional manipulation to try to get their way. I remember feeling at the time that EVERYTHING good I'd ever done-- being an A student, running track in college, being completely trustworthy, never drinking or partying or having sex-- didn't matter in the light of ONE thing they viewed as a mistake. I had been the perfect daughter, and the moment a tiny mistake popped up, it was over. I was rejected. I was not good enough.

 

Then B. And I tried so hard to do everything right, but he kept bringing up my anxiety. It didn't matter how hard I tried or how good I was. Because every time I made a mistake (read: was too anxious/had a panic attack), I was back to square one with him. Worthless. That and the excuses that he made when he left me-- I didn't wear sexy enough underwear, I didn't thrive in a club environment enough, etc. I know in my head that those are crap reasons. But the emotional result is the same. He made me feel like one mistake was enough to wreck me.

 

That's the fear I live in now. That I'm only as good as the last five minutes. That history doesn't matter. That I can be a wonderful girlfriend, but if I lose it once in a moment of stress or anxiety or fear and behave in a rude/inappropriate manner, G will be more than justified to drop me like a hot brick. In my world, there is no forgiveness or understanding-- or at least, none that I can expect. That's part of the reason I apologize so much and feel so insecure. Because a single (and fairly insignificant) mistake is enough to undo years of love and respect.

[Firiel]

I went over to G's yesterday. He seemed to be in a fairly good mood when I got there. We made some pretty good soup. But then it's kind of like something switched off and all his problems with finding work and feeling good about himself caught up with him. He got really sullen and then just went to bed without even saying anything to me. It was about 8:15, so I watched a bit of TV and got ready for bed around 8:45. I walked into his room and his laundry and cat were taking up a good portion of the bed, plus there was no pillow. I didn't feel good about bothering him to find a place in bed, and I thought maybe he was mad or frustrated at me, so I went to the spare bedroom and fell asleep there. He came in and found me later and apologized for being sullen and unfriendly, but yeah. It was still a less than stellar night. Sometimes I feel like I do this to people. They can be all on top of things and generally functional until I come into their lives.

[Firiel]

I ran accross this article today: link removed

 

It's about co-narcissism. Basically, co-narcissists are to narcissists as co-alcoholics are to alcoholics. They are the victims/enablers. It's basically a form of co-dependency.

 

Co-narcissistic people, as a result of their attempts to get along with their narcissistic parents, work hard to please others, defer to other’s opinions, worry about how others think and feel about them, are often depressed or anxious, find it hard to know their own views and experience, and take the blame for interpersonal problems. They fear being considered selfish if they act assertively.

 

This describes me perfectly. It describes my relationship with B, but it also describes the rest of my life. The author discusses how co-narcissists nearly always have a narcissistic parent. I'm starting to wonder if these struggles go back further than B. I always kind of felt that one reason my parents freaked out so much when I started dating B is that I was asserting myself at all, ruining the image of the perfect family and no longer being exactly what my mom wanted me to be. I'm wondering now if she has some narcissistic traits. I've seen my mom shift blame in uncomfortable ways before. I've seen her rapidly change her opinion of people. She tends to either idealize or devalue. Now, she has people she's been friends with for years. She has close relationships. I don't think she's A NARCISSIST (read, diagnosable with NPD) by any means. But she has some unhealthy ways of relating. She was also addicted to prescription meds for close to ten years. The rest of the family knew it, but it was kind of a silent knowledge. I think we all came to the knowledge separately. I never discussed it with my sisters or with my dad.

 

I'm worried about repeating the pattern. I'm worried that I've gone from being a co-narcissist to a co-dependant/co-alcoholic. I don't how to address crap like this. It almost feels like I want to say something or discuss something and some physical wall keeps me from doing so. Like I literally cannot talk about it. Ugh. I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes over and over again for the rest of my life. I'm sick of heartbreak.

[Firiel]

Something bothered me that really shouldn't have.

 

Months before G and I were on the radar, a woman (a few years older than him) that we went to school with was VERY interested in him. She and her husband were in the process of breaking up, so she kind of just clung to G. G has told me about the situation. He was flattered at first that an attractive woman was interested in him. Then he realized she was relatively immature emotionally and not in a good place and the whole situation only had potential to end poorly, so he friend-zoned her. She was practically in love with him for several months. Then she and her husband tried to work things out again. Then she had a very similar relationship with G's good friend about a year later (almost obsessive infatuation). Long story short, nice enough lady who has been through some emotionally trying times and doesn't really know how to deal with them yet. I've always suspected she has some lingering feelings for G, but it's never really bothered me. G runs into her socially on occasion (as do I), and she's always been very nice to me. He is always very polite and kind to her, but not flirty at all. I don't think these residual feelings are enough that she'd ever attempt anything, knowing that G is taken.

 

But gosh. G (and I, to a lesser extent) ran into her over the weekend. G ended up spending quite a bit of time around her (in a group) on Saturday while I was busy with other stuff. And then on Sunday, he gets a couple of texts from her. He opened them in front of me. I saw that one of them started with "I smile whenever I think of you." Really? Ugh. G kind of hesitated while trying to think of how to respond, expressed light exasperation at said text, and just put the phone away. I'm not worried about him and her. I mean, if nothing happened back when she was practically in love with him and he was single, nothing is going to happen now. And, like I said, I'm not even worried about her actually trying anything. But, I mean, come on. You are a woman in your mid-thirties with multiple children. You should know better than to be getting all affectionate with some woman's boyfriend, especially when you have a history of being almost creepily in love with him. There is a proper way to show friendly, intersex affection. You could say "It was great to see you-- I really value your presence in my life." Saying that you smile whenever you think of said person sends an entirely different message.

[Firiel]

Again with the assuming the worst about men. I just automatically assume all male historical figures messed around on their wives. Political leaders, religious men, humanitarians. If they were influential enough for me to hear about years later, they cheated. I feel bad when this I let this bias slip around G because I know he feels partly responsible for the fact that I struggle with this bias now. And maybe he is. But it feels like unfair baggage to have in a relationship regardless of whether I came by it honestly or not.

 

Along those same lines, I saw the last part of Dr. Zhivago the other day. The title character is a soft-spoken, genuine man who is married to a very nice, very pretty woman (Tonya). And then he has an affair with another very nice, prettier woman who he is entirely in love with (Lara). He ends up losing track of both of them (story takes place in Russia around the time of the Bolshevik revolution), but it isn't his wife that he pines for. It's this Lara character. And it hit me that I don't believe I will ever be a Lara. I feel like I will only ever be a Tonya. Sweet. Kind. Giving. A partner. An obligation. I feel like I will never be a passion.

[Firiel]

Perhaps when G moves, I'll just give up dating/relationships altogether.

 

It's like I finally find someone who just flat out accepts me, and it has to end like this. It sucks.

[Firiel]

G called me on Tuesday last week. I called him on Thursday. And then I decided to let him call me next because he's been pretty atrocious at keeping in touch. It's Tuesday again, and he hasn't called me once. I haven't even gotten a text from him since Saturday. And this is after I have a serious conversation with him about calling me more. I'm really pissed about his reaction. First, he was defensive/dismissive-- "I don't need added drama on top of what I'm going through" (unemployment) and "I'm sorry I haven't been good at staying in contact the past few days" (I reminded him it'd been a week since he called). When I wasn't backing down, he apologized, seemingly sincerely. But considering that literally nothing changed (I mean, it's been just over two weeks since we had this conversation, punctuated by a four day visit), it seems now like he was just trying to shut me up.

 

Last time, I was really sad and upset and was sure he was going to break up with me. This time, I'm just pissed. If he doesn't feel any need to talk to his girlfriend, then why is he even with me?