She wants me in her life but not as my girlfriend

[Matt-Lee]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 18 months. There is an age gap - she is an intelligent and mature 18 year old girl and I am 26. We have loved each other very much and she has helped encourouge me to better my life as when she first met me I was a bit of a disaster with money but very charming.

 

As we were so fond of each other we found ourselves practicarly living with each other at times when we both were not working or had any money. Slowly I picked myself up and turned my life around as my love for her helped me feel my inner strength again.

 

However my girlfriend slowly started to become emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. I know that she has always loved me but there is a definate problem and she often gets very angry when things don't seem to be as she wants them or expects them. She has sometimes spoken about times when her father was drunk and violent before leaving the whole family with no money. Then at school she was spitefully bullied and ended up in lots of trouble with the police because she tried to "fit in" with bullies. She then walk away from that life and started again in a relationship at the age of 15. She got pregnant whilst on the pill and had an abortion. The father then told her he didn't love her and left her. We got together not long after and have been together since.

 

I have really tried to be there for her but whenever I stand up to her behaviour she goes over the top and looses her temper lashing out verbal and sometimes physical abuse. When she calms down she is really upset and sorry.

 

Recently after a really bad argument she broke it off. She told me in a fit of rage that she didn't love me anymore, or even like me, and she kept going until I finally broke down. She then changed back to her kind and caring self to comfort me.

 

I was devistated as I have been so strong and not given up on the quest to get her through to these issues. I know she must have been hurt badly when she was younger and she knows how much I love her.

 

She has told me that she needs to be single at the moment, have fun, chill out. She doesn't have many friends due to her rough area and trying to stay away from trouble. She has also recently started a new job and is earning money for herself and making new friends there.

 

She says that she is really confused and wants to stop hurting me. She doesn't know why she is so spiteful. She doesn't understand why it happens but seems to think that I wind her up but she doesn't exactly understand why. Most of the time this only happens when I challenge her behaviour.

 

When she said it was over I backed off and then she called me up and told me that she does love me and that she misses me and she wants to see me. We have been meeting up and it has been hard but I have tried keeping it cool. I know she loves me but she told me last night that she doesn't think we can be together. Since she broke it off we have been getting on really well. I am falling more in love with her and we look at each other just like we did at the beggining. She said that the way we are at the moment is really nice and she won't let it go back to the way it was.

 

I am scared about taking this risk. She says she wants to be friends. I have tried to talk to her about getting back but she shy's off and avoids the subject or tells me she doesn't want that, or even "it's time to go now".

 

She has never met my parents and has said she wants to. She wants me over her house Christmas Day and to spend time with me on New Years Eve. She still wants to go out and meet up and she even talked about dinner dates.

 

This is really hard work because I am hurting and miss her and want to be intimate and passionate and talk about my feelings. I am confused about what's going and what she is doing or what she wants.

 

Does she want to see if we can get on this way. Do I stick it out?

 

I know that I need to concerntrate on my own life and allow her time and space.

 

Has anyone got any advice or had a similar experience before?

 

Thanks

[SuperDave71]

Be careful,

 

 

It sounds like she may be Bi-polar. I am sorry that your girl ahd to deal with all of that in her life. Maybe you could read up on bi-polar or ADD behavior. The main thing you should be concerned with is you.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Matt-Lee]

Be careful,

 

 

It sounds like she may be Bi-polar. I am sorry that your girl ahd to deal with all of that in her life. Maybe you could read up on bi-polar or ADD behavior. The main thing you should be concerned with is you.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Ive had a brief look at these disorders. It is possible but it doesn't happen if she's happy. She is very demanding and needs lots of attention and gets frustrated when she feels neglected but she is very intelligent and likes to do things to help chill out. She does need to manage her anger and may not of had the most ideal parents as role models for relationships

[PrincessLinzay]

As far as her behavior goes, it does remind me a bit of myself several years ago. I had anger management problems, depression and anxiety. I was put on medication after medication until, just recently, they found the one that works for me. I've never been happier.

 

The thing it's hard for those around you to understand is that you don't always give the impression you're depressed. You put on a facade for everyone so they think you're just fine and dandy, but then things will set you off.

 

I really think that she needs some help. You might not think so, but that's the same thing people thought about me (except for the people who had to live with me ) I wouldn't pressure her, but she would feel so much better if she could talk to someone. Not just anyone, a therapist who doesn't know her personally and can look at things objectively. Good luck.

[rnorth]

Her behavior is typical of an abuse survivor. She would be well served to deal with the abuse the has suffered and to confront it from the standpoint of how it affects her behavior and makes her abusive. I have been in a similar relationship and am currently giving my ex "her space" to let her deal with things while still maintaining light contact.

 

It may be that you have to let some things roll off of you or step away when she gets intense. Don't go tit for tat with her in arguments, that will only make things worse. But her responses are borne out of fear and anger at her past life not you.

 

If she is worth it, stick with her but encourage her to go to counseling or at least deal with her issues. Tell her you are willing to stick with her through it all but don't become co-dependent or allow yourself to be abused. You may want to seek counseling yourself just to get a handle on your own issues.

 

Good luck.

[Matt-Lee]

Thanks for your advice. Her behaviour is very confusing and as she has a Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde kind of switch between these behaviours and it is difficult to tell which one to trust.

 

My love for her is strong and see's behond all her barriors and fears and underneath she is petrified of being vulnerable. Perhaps getting this close to her makes her feel too scared especially as I have more recently started to understand about this problem.

 

She has pushed me away because I have stood up to it and tried to find solutions to her actions by asking her WHY she behaves in this way towards me.

 

So far she has used anger and emotional threats as a means of avoiding the subject but in recent conversations since we have officially broken up she has admited her awareness to this problem and mentioned possible councelling. Her mother told me they tried Anger Management with her when she was younger but it did no good. Perhaps now she is older she is more intelligent and stronger.

 

I don't know if I can help her but it is at the point where if she continues to push me away she will wreck what we have. It is a very confusing and difficult situation for me but I feel good within myself that I am caple of putting someone else before me and this gives me the strength to persevere. However there will come a point where I will have to think about myself if she refuses to sort it out as you can only give so much.