I absolutely hate myself

[NothingIsWrong]

I just...I hate everything about myself. My personality (weak, submissive, anxious, pathetic). I hate how I look. I hate getting up and going to the job I can't stand every day. I can hardly manage to make myself go to college 2 measly days a week. I hate the fact that 3 months ago I watched my brother die. Literally. I watched him take his last, shuttering breaths. Locked eyes with him as the light faded from his. Watched my mother clutch his dead body for an hour, sobbing, before my father finally convinced her to sit down and let the hospice worker make the final call to the funeral home. I hate the fact that we fought so much when we were younger. He deserved a sister who was so much better.

 

I hate the fact that I have to put on a fake smile everyday so my mother stops telling me to get on some kind of depression medication. At least once a week she's telling me I need it. Or that I should go to therapy. Can't she just let me make my own decision about it all instead of constantly nagging me? I also hate the fact that she tells me to just go enjoy the job she knows is too stressful on me, and says "just get over it and do you job"

 

I hate the fact that I can't say any of this to anyone I know. It always upsets my boyfriend when I say something negative about myself or my life, because he always replies with "so I don't make you happy? why stay with me?" Why does it always have to be about him? I never say anything about disliking him. He's the only good thing right now! But whenever i make some mean comment about myself (which i do often) he get's upset and tells me that if I'm not happy, i shouldn't be with him. Yeah, that makes me feel so much better.....

 

I don't know why i insult myself so much. I'm probably just being an attention seeking, self centered, jerk. That's probably why I'm posting this at all, for attention. Don't pay me any mind, I'm really not worth it.

 

Everything just seems so....pointless.

[Capricorn3]

I hate the fact that I have to put on a fake smile everyday so my mother stops telling me to get on some kind of depression medication. At least once a week she's telling me I need it. Or that I should go to therapy

Your mother is right. Clearly you are suffering from anxiety and depression, both of which can be helped by professional counseling/therapy. Also, I see you posted this in the self-harm forum - yet another reason to go for counseling/therapy. Why fight it? You have nothing to lose by trying to better your life.

[Juliette ne pas]

Wait, you are not worthless, you are grieved by the loss of your brother and what you went through and it will take longer than 3 months for you to try to work through all this. Next off its natural to regret the past, but it is the past, Im sure you told him how you felt and even if you didn't say the words you were with him till he breathed his last, you looked him in the eyes. Sometimes a simple look or touch is worth much more the words. Please be patient with yourself, your life has changed and you need time to adjust, I am so sorry that you have no one around you who can understand you and the fact that everyone processes grief differently. I wish you the best, remember that what you are feeling is normal, meds may take the edge of but they won't change how you feel.