Ex-girlfriend has personality disorder

[askdan]

Hello all,

 

I don't think that anyone can help me with this problem, but I will try to resume it here, hoping that someone might have advice which may lead to a Miracle.

 

My ex-Fiancee and I were together for 5 years. Since the year 2000, I was beginning to see some red flags in her pathological behavior. She was often highly aggressive, had explosions of anger, her mood was shifting constantly, she was lying a lot, exagerating, accusing me for things I have never said, etc....

 

It was becoming worse that she was consistent only 10% of the time.

After the difficult, disgusting breakup, (which, by the way, she blamed on me), we agreed to remain friends. We were meeting for lunch or coffee.

 

Now, nothing. She won't return my phone calls or e-mails. I fear that her condition and health is getting worse, and she does not seem to realize that she has a problem. People who know her suspect that she is bipolar or may have personality disorder.

 

Really, if someone can help me, I would appreciate it.

 

AskDan

[tea]

what kind of help do you want? how to turn her back to normal? I doubt you can... you can force her to see a psychologist or someone professional though, but that's not going to help if she doesn't realize she has problems herself.

[hockeyboy]

never easy. i had an ex who was cutting herself. (she left me) when i tried to help..she got very angry with me. i went to her parents to get help and she hated that. bottom line..she still hates me but i think shes safe now and doing better.

 

i gladly gave up a possible friendship with her for her own well being. i dont want to be with her but i do love and care about her...ill probably never talk to her again..but its ok..cause shes ok. maybe go to someone who can get her help?

[savannahohsavannah]

Don't worry so much about an ex, even one that you were with for five years. It will only serve to frustrate you. If you want to do something, go to her parents and share your concerns and then forget about it, and her.

Sorry to be so blunt, but unless you want to get back with this chick, it's really not your problem. And don't you want to move on with your love life and be happy???

[JT]

Hey I feel for you. I was with a girl like this for 2 years. EXACT same things you mentioned. Although we were so fed up with eachother at the end our breakup was horrible. She's so stupid for blaming me for everything. I know I wasnt perfect eithr, but I learned from my mistakes so I woud'nt make them again. That was 8 months ago since our split. If she does'nt recognize she has a problem then she'll never change, and you can't change the stubborn types. I know exactly how she is and she's stubborn, she thinks she's right about everything and likes to wear the pants all the time does'nt she???

 

I know the type dude.. better to suck it up, move on and leave her stubborn butt in the past.

[askdan]

Yes, you are right.

 

That is exactly how she is behaving. The pain is crushing me. How can a beautiful, sweet girl, who was so close to me for 5 years, can suddenly be affected by this illness, is SO unfair.

 

Sometimes, I feel like there is a force on this planet that simply doesn't want you to be happy.

 

Come on, guys! There's got to be a way to wake up this chick. In August, we were the best of friends. I go away for 3 months, and now she is out of touch and slams the phone on me.

 

Now she is suspiscious, bears grudges, cuts me off unecesserality, etc...

 

If I leave her alone, and never contact her, is she likely to re-contact me in the near term future? Won't she be afriad to lose our friendship?

[JT]

I suggest you let her go through what she's going through alone. SOme girls are twisted like that.. she may even get a kick out of taunting you.. to see how much you call. how much you care. That was always the case with my ex, she was 26 and the heck with being mature, she was always testing. But I tell you it rubs of on you and then you start testing!! You have to be real careful here. Girls who are'nt sane will bring out the worst demons in you. You should deal with them if she does.

 

Ultimately teh choice is up to you. The big difference here, and its indeed the icebreaker, is if she's willing to WORK ON THE ISSUES. If she's not, then well Im sorry to say, cut her loose. Its not worth your time and energy. It will bring you down. Get mad about the fact she's changed like this and is not willing to change herself for the better and rekindle what you guys once had. Its going to be someone elses problem now. I know that hurts to hear, and it hurt me.. but christ, I am better off without that drama and I have the confidence and satisfaction of knowing I worked on myself, dealt with myself and am on my way to better things. She on the other hand.. blames me for everything? That is the dumbest, most childish crap behavior I've heard. I pity the 'mutual accquaintance' she's now with. I left her to better herself, and she just moves backwards. What an idiot. In a sense that's what's happened to you. If you were'nt interested in moving forward and improving, well quite frankly you woud'nt be here seeking advice.

 

On another note, i'll tell you like it is. Get a dose of reality. A lot of people go through this crap. You can try to analyze peoples behavior all you want but it is what it is, and you can't predict the future. Dont hold onto any false hopes.. bust your butt and get into shape, do something you always wanted to do.. but most important, learn and improve. I know it sucks and your wondering what she's doing.. who's she with.. who's bonin' her, etc etc. I know thats hard to hear but the sooner you accept that fact, the sooner your able to move on with your life. A lot of people have problems with acceptance and thats what keeps them in the past. Dont be one of those lame butts. I've totally been through your situation so dont think I dont know what I'm talking about. My ex went to a supposed friend after me, so you can understand. But I said F them both and Im' doing fantastic now, so they both can bite me.

 

Let me know if you need any advice. My advice is dont worry about her, in some twisted way she is probably testing you. Be a man, stand up for yourself, go your own way, don't look back, shoot for the stars.

 

One saying that helped me with a lot of things was:

 

"perfection is your goal... excellent will be tolerated"

 

Take it to heart.

 

We are here if you need more.

[avman]

I'm afraid she simply isn't your problem. She has no reason to listen to you, so she's not going to. She is your ex. And right now, you don't HAVE a friendship.

 

Sometime down the line if she wants your help she may ask. But for you to spend so much energy worrying about her only hurts you. It doesn't help her.

 

She's a big girl. She has to be responsible for herself. Let her go.

[askdan]

Thank you so much, JT, for taking the time to answer my e-mail, giving me advice and explanations, and offering me your help. That means a lot to me.

 

I think that you are 100% right. I was not brought up to manage feelings properly, and now with the Holidays, I hear these Christmas songs, I remember ouf past five Christmases together, and it is a very sad Holiday season for me.

 

She is also 26 years old. I left her in February, because I thought that by doing so, it would be a wake-up call for her and that I meant business. Just like your ex, she became so much worse instead of improving herself.

 

She lost her job, her friends, she is extremely alone and unhappy, she refuses to seek councelling, and the only real friend she had, myself, she does not even have the respect of informing me that she is cancelling our friendship.

 

OH!!! I FORGOT TO TELL YOU!!!

 

In November, I kept receiving anonymous phone calls from her. I was like "Hello?!" and after 3 seconds, she was hanging up. She blocks her number, but how do I know it's her?? Simple....she just forgot to block her number on this one time.

 

Just a last question, JT, why the heck is she cranck-calling me like this??

For what motives? For what purpose?

 

I will follow your advice of moving on, although I should feel better after the Holidays. I am in a great deal of pain right now, but your e-mail is a ray of sunshine that gives me hope.

 

Again, thank you so much.

 

Dan

[JT]

You have to be in touch with your feelings in order to deal with them. Most men are taught to surpress them and ignore them, but you just can't do that. This does'nt mean spill your guts to everyone, but have a few close friends that you do vent to and deal with your feelings in a constructive way. Most dudes are deconstructive about dealing with their feelngs. I.e. fights, misbehaving, drugs, drunkennes.. Thats more weak then just dealing with it like a normal human being.

 

Of course the general trend on this forum and others is depression, simply because its the holiday season. Patterns are easy to tell. I see the same people post on Monday that they are depressed, missing the ex, etc, and then on Thursday or Friday they are happy to be single. If you understand this pattern then your more able to deal with your feeligns caus you know there's hope at the end of the week. Best thing to do is know in your heart and head that these feelings will pass. Thts why people say it takes time. Yea it really sucks but it sucks for a reason. Its a life changing reason. Ever notice that most peopel that settle and marry young have never been through this experience.. they are too chicken sh** to be on their own and deal with it. For some it works out for them as a couple, for others they are left older, with kids, and a seemingly insurmountable task of recovery ahead of them. Better to regret somthing you did do, rather than you did'nt do. At least thats my opinion.

 

If she's alone and unhappy then maybe thats what she needs. For me, I was with my ex and we had friends in common tht were my friends first. Basically I decided she could be with them caus she liked them and I did this out of the goodness of my heart that she would be a better person. Well she's with one of those friends now and still hates me. Well if the friends dont really care about how messed up that is, then I dont want to be their friend. I completely left the circle and started from scratch. The way I WANTED IT. Be a man, make a change, dont be some pansie 'coulda woulda shoulda' person. I hate that and there's a lot of that crap on this board. Once you take life by the reigns then you get a lot of what you want comin' your way.

 

She's crank calling you to get a rise out of you. See if your still there, how much she can push you, how "loyal" you are to her. The weird thing is, the more you answer and call back, the less respect she has for you. The more you ignore, the more it drives her crazy. So its a lose lose situation really.. you just have to not answer and eventually it will cease. If you do call back or answer all she is going to say is "why did 'nt you pick up the phone.. dont you care about me." Don't fall for that crap. I mean do you really care about someone who's doing this stuff to you ? If you do want someone like that then your not healthy.

 

Depressed messed up people look for bad relationships like flies look for a piece of poop.. ever notice that?

 

Listen bro, you'll feel better after the holidays. After all of this couple's stuff is over spring is going to be here. With the spring comes new life.. with flowers, with birds.. new life to everything. Take the time you need to heal. It took me about mmm 8 months to recover. I'm still recovering now, but I did things the right way. I made up my mind never to talk to her again, wish her well, and say see ya and I never looked back. Best thing I ever did for myself. A lot of people respected me for that too.

 

So be a man, dont give this girl what she wants. Make her get help on her own, if she does'nt then thats not someone you want to be with. Trust me.

 

JT

[askdan]

Thank you, JT.

 

I will start following your advice immediately, and forget the whole friendship thing. The girl is sick and has issues.

 

I am just curious...I would like to have your opinion...do you think that she will eventually contact me if I leave her alone?

 

Not that I want to go back out with her or anything, but I would appreciate hearing from her. Once again, your opinion will be appreciated.

 

Dan

[JT]

Let her go... you will get to the point where you dont care if she contacts you or not.. and thats where you need to be. The sooner you start accepting that, the sooner your able to move on. Dont ponder if she's gonna contact you.. or do this or do that. Thats all living in false hope, and a lot of people do that as you can see on this board.

 

Better to suck up what was, so you can move on to tomorrow.

 

JT