Tired...

[greenie35]

I don't want to be cliche here. All I can say is that I feel completely alone and empty...I guess I'm not really cliche I'm probably alot like you---otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.

 

I have battled with weight issues for the past 5 years. When I was in high school I weighed about 210 pounds at 5'9. High school was a happy time for me... I had lots of friends and the weight thing never got me down. My first boyfriend (I was 18) was a bit too honest with me about my appearance I won't go into too much detail here--but it hurt. Anyway I got a job that summer at a greenhouse/nursery and lost about 30 pounds. It was a lot of physical work. I noticed how people began to treat me. I felt the same but people were so much nicer to me and everyone commented on how good I looked. I gained a little back over the winter, come spring I went back to work at the greenhouse. I lost what weight I had gained plus another 15 pounds. I was starting to get a lot of attention from guys... fell in love again..he cheatedon me. I spiraled down...I gained about 20 pounds that winter and then it go worse from there...

 

I wouldn't classify myself as a full fledged bullimic, but I did vomit a few times. I never really binged...I becam so self-conscious. I decided to get my life back on track and began healthy eating and exercising. I lost the weight and then some...looked better than ever. However the fear of gaining weight is ruining my life and causes me muchpain and strife daily. I feel so completely out of touch with the rest of the world because All I can think about is how fat I am getting. I know I have gained a little weight since I have moved to go to college. My clothes are fitting much tighter. I'm afriad to get on a scale. I broke down tonight and told my boyfriend we should break up because "I don't love myself"...crazy eh...i love him to death...but I could love him better if I loved my self. I've done it all before...diet..exercise...i've even been to counseling once...i tried anti-depressants they made me feel worse. I just feel like my whole life I will struggle with this. I have no motivation to try to diet and exercise...becasue it's the fear that the real cause of all my pain.. I know this is pretty long...and if you made it this far I appreciate your time. I'm losing my will to go on. I'm not brave enough to commit suicide or anything like that...but I am self-defeating everyday. I stress out..i smoke too much...i think about food...my enemy...

 

I don't know what to do...I'm so tired...

[Josh G.]

Hey, About 2 years ago, I used to be over wieght too, I started working out, running, and participating in a lot of physical activities, whcih is the key to losing wieght, along with a healthy and SAFE diet,btu I know how hard that can be when you lose your will power or you just give in to yourself, so somethings that are just as important and go hand in hand wiht them are: self esteem, other people, confidence and happiness. You have to find a way to boost your self esteem, when you lose a few pounds congradulate yourself, give yourslef a reward (not food) and really feel proud of yourself and pat yourself on the back. Get other people to encourage you, tell your really close friends and family and your bf, you are on a diet, tell them you would like there help, and they will encourage you. Believe in yourself, dont think you can do it, KNOW that if you try and put your mind to it, u will succeed. And something very hard to do, but very important, is stay happy, be happy with yourself and what you look like, know that there is going to be hard times, but you can work through these and its perfectly normal. If at first you dont suceed, try again, and learn form your mistakes, but if your not happy, it will be more difficult to go through this, maybe go dancing wiht your bf in a new outfit after you lose a couple pounds to make yourself feel good. Good Luck! Hope that helps a little bit, Josh G.

[greenie35]

Thanks for your reply...

 

I know that I need to exercise. I know that my body type is the kind that gains weight easily if I don't exercise. When I met my boyfriend I was pretty slim. I actually weighed more than I do now, but it was predominantly muscle. Currently it's hard to get to the gym. School is really loading up on me. I guess I am a bit impatient. After the 1st of Jan. I should have a bit more free-time and will try to get back on a schedule. I used to really love exercising...it kept me going, made me feel strong and confident. I will try again...I just need a little time...

 

thanks again

J

[EYESWIDESHUT]

Sounds like you know what you need to do, you just need a little encouragement to stay on track. When you can't get to the gym, just do some other physical things, walk to the store or places near by instead of driving (i know that it is cold out, but maybe park a little farther away than normal, just to push your self to be physical). When you are studying, take a break and do a few sit-ups, or walk around the dorm (if you are in one), use the stairs instead of the elevator. Just make little changes in your daily life, and you won't have to go to the gym all the time. Eat small portions, eat slow, and don't eat before you go to bed. You probably know most of this stuff, but i guess it doesn't hurt to hear it again. Just be happy with yourself, and be confident in the steps that you are taking to manage your weight. It will be a lifetime struggle, but you just have to keep telling yourself that you are happier in the changes and choices you have made to keep the weight off. Good luck.

[Breea]

Greenie, I can say that I understand what you are going through. I have struggled with weight all my life. I've gained a little lately due to a lot of stress and a little depression. I find it hard to get back into the swing of things and commit to doing what it takes to get it off.

 

You said you tried antidepressants. Have you thought about trying another kind because you may have just not found the right one. They helped me through a hard time in the past.

 

It sounds like you just need to find the right motivation (as do I). I wish you luck and just say take it a day at a time. Worrying about it does no good. Just take action even if it is in small doses. That's where I'm at right now. Best of luck.

[diana084]

I think you need some kind of therapy.For what I've read,you eat more when you are stressed or going through a tough time.Some people are like,they're stressed and they eat more,but when it becomes in something that you obsess about or have no control over,then I think its a problem.

Dont worry,a lot of people have the same issues.I,for one,hate weighing myself even though I'm not fat and never been,its just a self conscious thing I guess.And yes,I get kind of paranoid if my clothes start fitting tighter too.

Couple of years ago I went into such a hard diet that I wouldnt eat almost anything each day.I just thought that,for me,not eating was a lot easier than vomiting,and I did it and I lost a lot of weight but I was scared of becoming anorexic so I was able to stop before it got worse.

What I'm saying is that,you're not the only one who goes through these things,I have before and I know how it feels like so you're not alone.I'm sure that some therapy would help you a lot more.The problem its more in your mind than you think,more in your mind than in your body.

Good Luck.

[greenie35]

I appreciate everyones response. I've been told by boyfriend that I should probably seek counseling. His sister had a really bad problem with Bullima. My relationship is a becoming a real pain in the rear lately too. It has been for a while a guess. I've posted about this before. I have lost myself in this relationship and we argue pretty much all the time. It's ugly. I feel like a coward because I can't tell him it's over. Sometimes I want so badly for it to work, but it just doesnt get better. We are kind of stuck with each other for now. We share a house and he wont have the money to move out for about a month. We have talked about trying to make it work while living apart...I don't know what's going to happen here. We are completey reliant upon each other for everything that there is no space for growing. I used to love myself...before I got into this relationship and I don't think it's completely his fault. However there is a lot of things about him that drive me freakin' insane. I'm feeling a lot better then I did the other night. That night I looked in the mirror and I saw the ugliest person---inside & out. Today is a different day and although it looks like my relationship is going down the crapper I feel empowered. Once again---I appreciate your responses and I take them to heart. I love this website...

 

Janet