Did i do the right things?

[cantgetoverher]

Here is my situation. My girlfriend is from texas and moved up to the dc area about 3.5 years a go. We got together shortly after she moved here and have been together ever since. She has lived with me for about 3/4 of our almost 3 year relationship up until the end. In the past she continually says that she hates this area and wants to move away but cant because she loves me. She says she misses her friends and family in texas and feels like she is too dependent on me and that i have hurt her in the past and she can't get over it. About a month a go i noticed she was acting different and looking up apartments in texas. I could feel that she was going to move. She finally told me she will move in january and wanted to work on our relationship and make it long distance. I decided that we needed a break so we took one for almost a week. About 4 days a go we missed each other so much that we started hanging out again and sleeping with each other every day. After the last time i was with her i realized that i couldnt do the long distance thing and told her we need to end our relationship and she needs to move all her stuff out of my house. Of course yesterday she comes to move her stuff out i was drunk and started saying some mean stuff and we got in a heated hurtful argument which ended with me bursting in tears and leaving the room while she moved out. I am regretting not trying the long distance relationship but at the same time I wish she understood why I won't do it. I can't decide what to do. I feel horrible that she is gone and don't know what to do because I hate her so much but i love her at the same time. Should I tell her how i feel and continue communicate with her through email? Should I appologize for starting a fight and end the relationship on better terms? All i want to do is forget her and move on. I wish she just would have broken up with me without talking about continuing our relationship long distance. Some how I feel like she didn't have the courage to break up with me and copped out so i would have to do it.

[HaloDestroyer]

I think what you really need to do first, my friend, is look deep inside yourself, and ask.... Do I really just want to 'forget her and move on'?

 

In short;

 

Yes, you should apologise.

 

Yes, you should keep in contact, preferably by phone, but if not, by E-mail.

 

And yes, you should try to patch this up. It sounds to me like you don't want this relationship to end... If you don't, the only way to get her back is to slowly build her trust in you, from square one.

 

XxX xXx

[ticklebug]

yes - apologize for piciking the fight - it's okay to let her know you are sad to see things ending.

 

After living together so long, and being used to being together...you are going to find it near impossible to do a LDR...her being close makes your relationship, which is evident by you two falling back into each other's arms in less than a week of trying to split.

 

Would you consider making a move to Texas if she means that much?

[cantgetoverher]

I told her I would move to texas to be with her but i just started grad school and can't until I finish up my degree in a year or so. It just makes me upset that she can't wait another year up here with me.

[ticklebug]

she tried to live up there...she was miserable...you can't expect her to continue to compromise her own happiness...that is selfish.

 

If you are meant to be, then when you finish grad shool, you can pick u where you left off....but in Texas.

[trishcollins]

she tried to live up there...she was miserable...you can't expect her to continue to compromise her own happiness...that is selfish.

 

If you are meant to be, then when you finish grad shool, you can pick u where you left off....but in Texas.

 

I agree. Sometimes there are "deal breakers" and it sounds like for her it is where she is living. I think you need to understand that. Yes, apologize and tell her that you would like to keep in touch long distance, but let her go. Perhaps when she gets back to Texas, she will find out that she would prefer to be with you.

[cantgetoverher]

After looking around she left some stuff of hers. Also what do i do w/ all the pictures we took together. I have over 300 pictures / videos on my computer from our relationship. Do most people delete them and forget ?

[trishcollins]

After looking around she left some stuff of hers. Also what do i do w/ all the pictures we took together. I have over 300 pictures / videos on my computer from our relationship. Do most people delete them and forget ?

 

Anything tangible - pictures, albums, mementos, put in a box and store away somewhere -- the back of a closet, the basement, a friend's place. Don't throw ANYTHING away -- not yet.

 

As for computer stuff, create a folder and dump it in there, then turn on the "hidden" attribute. The stuff will still be there, but it will be hidden, so you don't have to see it every time. Either that or dump it on CDs and put them away with your other stuff.

 

Believe me, removing all that stuff from you line of sight really helps. But, you might want it later -- much later -- so don't thrown it away. Don't do anything rash that you might regret later.

[ebola316]

my ex pulled the same thing saying he didn't like the town we were in, it was too far from everything etc. Even though it was his idea to move here. I don't go for that. If you love someone, you're willing to live in the North Pole in an igloo with that person. You just have to work on making it work.

 

If that's all it took for her to pull out and let you go, then she didn't care that much to begin with. Let her know that the only thing you want to hear from her is that she wants to come back, and until she can tell you that, you don't want further contact.

[ticklebug]

ebola - I know you are going through a bitter breakup and would prefer your ex get run over by a mac truck....but this girl tried to live where he was for quite a few years....that is one heck of an attempt at compromise...

 

it's his turn.

[ebola316]

This girl needs to think about the effect she had on him when she left. It's not all about her. No matter where you are, its possible to make a life. Don't tell me she couldn't go out, make some friends, try to dig some roots. For Gods Sake. Its DC not Afghanistan.

[ticklebug]

he says he's there for grad school...maybe he doesn't have roots there other than scholastic...quite possibly he is from somewhere else entirely and his family isn't there...questions we don't know the answer to...but under a hypothetical, if he isn't from there...why should she try to put roots down just to appease his educational requirements that will be over in a year?

 

Why stay somewhere that is miserable to you...and detriment a possible future due to feelings of resentment?

 

And bear in mind, she didn't just up and leave...to his own admission the conversation came up numerous times...what if he didn't take her feelings as seriously as he could have? If her feelings weren't being respected...she just gave him one hell of a wake up call.

[ebola316]

If she loved him, she could have stuck it out for another year. When people are in a relationship, there are sacrifices that have to be made in order to maintain the bond.

 

She didn't have to put down permanent roots, but I'm sure in our great Capital, she could have found some way to entertain herself.

 

When you are in love with someone, you're in it for the long-haul. If something as inane as missing your family and friends is a problem, there's a simple solution. You make some friends and you visit your family. You don't bail out on the person that you're supposed to love.

 

She probably wants to maintain a long-distance relationship with him to make sure she can get him back after grad school, when he's making the big bucks.

[ticklebug]

eb - have you ever BEEN to DC? Because I used to live there.

 

it's boring as heck...there isn't that much socially to do.

 

She has just as much right to be happy as he does...where she can be happy...it they are meant to be together...the distance won't be a factor for 365 days. She gets quailty time with her family and friends, he can get his studies done with...and they can get on with getting on.

 

I've been to grad school, he's so knee deep in studies he probably doesn't have a lot of time to spend with her as it is...

[ebola316]

I still say she's waiting around for the bucks. Why can't she get a job or something for the year. You can't go running back to Mommy and Daddy every time something goes wrong in their relationship.

 

What if after he graduates, they move to Peoria and she doesn't like that either. Is he supposed to move her around the country until the little darling is satisfied- or should he limit his job search to Texas so darling can be happy.

 

By the way, I wasn't the one who said my ex should get hit by a mack-truck, that was someone else. I said he should get cancer and ebola and die.

[trishcollins]

If you love someone, you're willing to live in the North Pole in an igloo with that person. You just have to work on making it work.

 

I have to disagree. My "ex" and I tried to figure out a way to merge his two teenage kids (settled in his end of town in special school and college) with my horses (that need a barn and land). We tried all kinds of things.

 

The kids refused to move to my place, which was too small anyway (one bedroom) and his son could not get to school from there (outside the district and 65kms away). We even bought land to build on in his end of town, but the costs were crazy, so we put the land up for sale. We then bought a property with a house on it, but the house needed so much work, we were back to square one in terms of cost, and decided to put it up for sale. He had sold his other place, so he and the kids lived there while I stayed in my place -- which never sold -- thank God.

 

The final plan was for him to buy a place in the 'burbs and then we would continue commuting between our places for the next 3-5 years, while his kids got settled in their own lives.

 

At one point during all this he said to me that the only way we could be together in the next three to five years was for me to board my horses and move in with him, until his kids were settled in their own lives. I told him "no". That was not the person he fell in love with and I would never be happy in the 'burbs. I would eventually resent him for it, no matter how much we love each other.

 

I love my "ex", but my farm and my horses are very important to me. I worked very hard all my life to have just this. Giving that up was a deal breaker, and he understood that. We agreed to continue commuting, but given all the other things -- his daughter's resentment of me being the biggest -- it eventually fell apart anyway. The only good thing that came out of it -- I never sold my farm and still live there.

[ebola316]

But the girlfriend has no ties, such as a business or property to hold her to Texas. She just misses her family and friends. As far as I can tell from his first post, she was up in DC before him.

 

What i'm saying is, it sounds kind of selfish to me for her to do that. It may have been a little inconvenient and lonely, but it was only temporary, and a small sacrifice to be with the man she claims to love.

[ticklebug]

eb - not to take away from the original poster too much...but, in that you are a female....i have to wonder why you feel it is a woman's responsibility to sacrafice what she wants for her man....especially after you apparently have been hurt so badly...