I Messed Up. Pls Help.

[meika]

My boyfriend of 9mos broke up with me. Here's a background to our relationship.

 

We met last November at my bestfriend's ex-boyfriend's party. It was love at first sight. We started talking and asked me for my number. I can tell at that moment that he likes me and wanted to get to know me. The only problem is he's married but separated for a year and has 2 kids. His wife and kids are living far away and he only get to visit his kids during special occasions like his kids birthday. The reason why they're separated is that both of them fell out of love and no longer trusts each other. His wife cheated on him for 2 years but then again he also cheated with his wife.

 

Anyway, we started hanging out in coffee shops talking and getting to know each other. He told me that he has no end game. He just wanted someone to hangout with. I've got no problem with that 'cause I wasn't looking for a relationship anyway. After 2 weeks of hanging out, texting almost everyday and spending time everyday, I started feeling uneasy cause I might be falling for him but the problem is he doesn't want to commit. So I avoided him for a week. He tried calling and texting until I realized that it might be best to just hangout with no expectations. But after a month and a half of hanging out, we had our first kiss at some club after partying. He then told me on our way home that I was the most important person in his life right now and I'm special to him. We ended up having sex the next day. We've been hanging out and gotten intimate for another month until he asked me if I want to be his gf. So I said yes. He then told me he loved me. We had our minor fights but as time goes by, I realized that every fights we had I'm always the one to give in. He told me he has this big pride and that seemed to be his major problem. I didn't mind at first cause I'm willing to swallow my pride cause I love him. After 6mos together, we had this issue about expectations. I did asked him about his marriage status and what his plans are for us and if we have a future together. He answered me "i don't know." He wasn't expecting to have a serious gf and that is why he doesn't know what to do but he did tell me that their will be no more reconciliation. He did ask me what he needs to do regarding the matter and I just told him that he has to figure it out. He told me that he and his wife were over. His wife knows about me also but I didn't ask him further about it. 8mos together and my insecurities started kicking in. I felt like this relationship is not going anywhere and I'm kinda scared of opening up to my boyfriend cause he's the type to shrug it off and doesn't want to address the issue.

 

A week before my birthday, he went to visit his kids which is like miles away. We talked, texted and skyped each other every day. Then I asked him when he'll be back and if he'll be back before my birthday cause I want to celebrate it with him. He answered he's not sure when he'll be back but we're just going to skype each other. Out of frustration, I ignored him for the rest of the night and chatted with my tennis friend who he knows by the way but haven't met him yet. I told my bf before we got together about my tennis friend that he used to like me and did ask me out once but I declined. Anyway, I told my tennis friend about my recent predicament and that I was both disappointed and frustrated with my relationship. I told him via chat that "i long wanted to break it off but I want him to break up with me cause I don't like the guilt that carries with breaking up with someone you love." I only said that cause I was frustrated and angry. We chatted for hours. Talked about when we're going to hangout cause I miss him. But there was no malice between us cause were just friends. We missed each other just like how you missed a friend. 2 days before my birthday, my bf showed up at our house. He told me that it was his plan all along to surprise me even before I attacked him about his plans for my bday. I felt sick inside and was happy otherwise.

 

We spent my bday at my house. He bought a cake. It was the sweetest and unforgettable bday. We went out, had dinner and drank wine. The day after my bday, he told me he did a foul thing. He went through my phone and read my chats with my tennis friend a day before my bday. He kept it quiet cause he doesn't want to ruin my bday even if he was hurting inside. I cried and apologized. Told him it didn't mean anything and it was out of anger and frustrations.

 

He broke up with me cause that's what I always wanted for a long time. I told him I didn't mean it. I begged and cried and told him to give me another chance but he won't have it. He's tried of feeling like a fool and he wanted out. He made up his mind that we're just not right for each other and that we should stay as friends. Told him I don't want us to be friends. I cried the whole night. He left me while I was still crying inside the bathroom. A day after the break up, he texted me if its okay to he to sleep at my place. I said yes. We slept together but nothing intimate. We did dined out. We didn't talk about "us". Then he left for work early in the morning. I went to his office place and brought him his lunch. He was touched but told me that he didn't want me to do it again cause he didn't want me to waste my gas and money for him. It was a blow to my ego but I just told him I'm sorry. He said you don't need to say sorry cause it was his choice to break up with me. Its his fault not mine. Asked him if it was really over between us, he only answered "do you want me to pretend i'm okay when i'm with you?". I was hurt and begged him to take me back and I begged him to talk to me. He said okay and he went by to my place but we never got the chance to talk about "us". We talked some other things. He told me he just want to spend time with me but he was still hurting and in pain and all the things I chatted with my tennis friend he can't get it off his head. He left for work the day after and texted me the whole time. He told me he's going to stay at home for the rest of the weekend. Since we're not going to spend the weekend so I went out that night with my girl friend. We texted back and forth discussing about some tv show and then i stopped responding to him cause I got busy. I never told him where I was and who I was with.

 

The next day I texted him goodmoring and replied instantly. Later he texted me he got this weird feeling about me. He asked me about last night. Where I went and who I was with. Told him everything. He got mad. Told me its not his right to know. He told me he doesn't want me anymore and he's still hurting and he needed a logical explanation as to why I said all those things to my tennis friend. He was mad at the thought that I shared private info about our relationship to a stranger. I explained everything to him and asked for his forgiveness. Begged him again. His last text was if I'm a natural flirt and likes to flirt when he's not around then he doesn't want to be with me. I stopped texting him at that moment. Two days no contact I texted him I miss him. No reply. The next day I texted him hope all is well with him. Still no reply.

 

Two days after that, I went by to his office, brought his fave cake with an "I'm sorry" icing and chocolates and gave it to him. I also wrote him a heartfelt letter of apology. Then I went home. Right after he was done working, he called me up and asked me where I was. TOld him I was home. So he went by at my place and he hugged me. Then we had sex. We never talked about "us". We just made up. We're back to normal again. Things were great. But after 2 weeks, We texted that morning but then he stopped texting me mid-noon. SO then I assumed he got busy with housework or something. I went out to dinner with my girlfriend. He texted me right after dinner if I just had my dinner and told him yes. Then he texted "i don't like us anymore". I was shocked and called him up.

 

He was so upset. He was yelling and angry. He told me he stopped by at my place but I wasn't there. He was mad at me cause I didn't told him where I was. He said he's tired of expectations and he doesn't want me to bother him again. Told him we needed to talk. So we talked the day after. He went to my place that night. He was so angry at me. Still yelling as to why I didn't even bother telling him about my dinner. I tried explaining everything but he won't have it. He said he doesn't care anymore and he will no longer expect anything from me. He's tired and doesn't want a relationship with me. He told me that he wanted out before but I talked him into it. So I did asked him if he it was all pretend and he was forced to stay with me but he answered curtly with "that's what you'd like hear me say". I cried and told him I can't force him to love me and stay with me so I won't bother him again. We hugged tightly and I cried over his shoulders and told him sorry for hurting him and making him feel that way. He told me that all his feelings for me were replaced with anger and he could no longer trust me again. I did tell him that I did try fixing the problem and made an effort and he just said he's aware but the problem is him. He has a big pride. So I cried and hugged him for the last time and he left.

 

I feel so devastated. I love him so much and would do anything to have him back. I'm into day 8 of NC. Still no text or call from him. I miss him terribly. His birthday is next week. I'm torn as to whether I'll greet him or not. So sad. Cried like for a week. Do you guys think we still have a chance of getting back together? I know he still loves me but I'm doubtful now because of his pride and ego.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[AJKAJKAJK]

One thing, just brief, there is always a chance. And the less time has passed the easier it is.

 

In my situation I was waiting for a few years to realize I love her. People should talk more.

 

And there is nothing bad if one or another starts talking first.

 

You need to talk about this. Just meet.

 

There is no place for games in relationships, especially if you are a not a teenager anymore.

[becomingkate]

Do you guys think we still have a chance of getting back together? I know he still loves me but I'm doubtful now because of his pride and ego.

 

I think that talking about him to another man (who was sexually interested in you) was a betrayal. It may have turned out differently if it had been a woman you were messaging, but since it was a man (his competition no less) he might not forgive you or feel that he can trust you again.

 

If it had had happened to me, I would have walked away as well.

[Mari]

The reason why they're separated is that both of them fell out of love and no longer trusts each other. His wife cheated on him for 2 years but then again he also cheated with his wife.

 

He has a very serious issue with pride, which then causes him to have an issue with trust. There was no reason for him to "surprise" you with showing up when he clearly was causing you pain by not being there. Why not just say when you're going to be there. He does this almost as a test to see how you handle it. Then when you text your friend he comes back, checks your phone, and then breaks up with you.

 

Now he has trust issues with you. All he can think of is you and how far your relationship with your tennis buddy is. I don't know about this relationship. He needs to resolve these issues on his end before he can have a successful relationship with you. Is it at all possible for both of you to go to counseling? You can tell him that you'd like to go to resolve trust issues you've caused him, not to necessarily get back together.

[meika]

Its his birthday next week. Should I send him a birthday greeting via text? I'm on day 10 of no contact. I'm scared if I don't greet him on his bday then I'll definitely ruin my chances of getting him back but if I send him one, I will be disappointed if I won't get any response or say a cold respond like "Thanks." What's the best thing to do?

[Mari]

I feel he's more at fault here than you, and I think this relationship will not go well for you even if he comes back. But if you still want to try, you can send him a cake and show up, or call him. Don't expect anything back for now, but your actions now could help you later.

 

I knew a guy that said he and his girlfriend both had pride. The girl wanted to live somewhere else, and the guy didn't want to. Out of pride, both thought they were right and she moved out waiting for him to come. He waited for her to come back, and she waited for him to move. Neither ever did. Years later, he still regrets losing her even though he has family with someone else. He said you can't hold and hug pride, pride won't be there for you or love you. He said he picked the wrong choice, he should've picked her and moved. He may have been able to move back later, pride has done nothing for him.

[meika]

Thank you for this. I wish I was more like you. Rational and not emotional. But the thing is, I had lowered my pride a dozen times practically every fight we had. I was always the one to give in even if it was his fault. When he broke up with me, I practically begged him and went to his office and gave him a heartfelt letter of apology and an "im sorry" cake.

[meika]

I think that talking about him to another man (who was sexually interested in you) was a betrayal. It may have turned out differently if it had been a woman you were messaging, but since it was a man (his competition no less) he might not forgive you or feel that he can trust you again.

 

If it had had happened to me, I would have walked away as well.

 

I get where you're coming from but the thing is I really did try everything to fix the situation. Lowered my pride, went to his office, asked for forgiveness explained everything to him in person as well as in letter. When we got back together, I tried gaining his trust again (told him everything as to who's texting me and etc and left my phone in front of him always or staying at home during weekends and reporting my every move to him) except for that one day when I went out with my girlfriend for dinner cause I just forgot and I wasn't doing anything sinful. Its just dinner with my girl friend whom he met thrice! I know I screwed up but I just want him to realized every sacrifices I made in our relationship especially after I wronged him. I'm still not ready to give up yet but I just want him to make the first move now cause I don't want him to say it to my face again that the only reason he went back to me cause I was the one who pursued him and talked him into it.

[Mari]

That's why I think it's his fault. Both sides have to give and work on their pride. You're doing your side very well. I feel that he's not doing his share.

 

If it was you that would disappear for a long time and not show up for his birthday how would he take it? If you showed up unannounced and then broke up because he wasn't there, would he try to get you back?

 

This is pretty bad:

 

But after 2 weeks, We texted that morning but then he stopped texting me mid-noon. SO then I assumed he got busy with housework or something. I went out to dinner with my girlfriend. He texted me right after dinner if I just had my dinner and told him yes. Then he texted "i don't like us anymore". I was shocked and called him up.

 

He was so upset. He was yelling and angry. He told me he stopped by at my place but I wasn't there. He was mad at me cause I didn't told him where I was. He said he's tired of expectations and he doesn't want me to bother him again.

 

He stopped talking to you, assumed you'd be available and have nothing going on, and then just showed up. Then he gets angry because he shows up and you're not there. Why didn't he talk to you? He really needs to fix this. The effect on you for this is if you make plans and don't tell him, he'll just break up with you. That's not good for you psychologically. And after you were done with dinner, he could've still seen you. It didn't have to be dinner.

[Teri008]

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise? I mean, he's still married love. Don't you want to get married? And from looks of it he has a control issue. He doesn't wanna e with you but is angry when your not sitting at home crying over him. Stay strong especially if he continues to give you the cold shoulder later on.

[LatinBarbie16]

Something doesn't seem right with this guy. You apologized, basically threw yourself at his feet... What more does he want from you?

 

Leave him alone, he wants to act like a baby well then let him be a baby. I wouldn't text him any thing... He needs to get over it.. He's still married for heavens sake... You send a text out of anger and he's blowing it up..

 

I don't know... Seems to me he's trying really hard to make you feel horrible. Don't let him, you made a mistake you apologized, you tried to make it up to him and he won't have it. So just let him get over it... Stop crying over him. Go out, have fun and don't worry about him.

[meika]

Sorry for this but i have been out for a while now cause of the terrible disaster we have experienced here in my country. I'm from the Philippines and we had experienced the worst typhoon ever.

 

Anyway, a week ago before the typhoon, 14 days of NC, my ex knocked on my door.

 

I don't know who it was but when i opened, he was there standing outside. I asked him what he wants and he told me he wants to return the shirt he borrowed from me and i accepted it. Then he told me he wanted me back and the shirt was just an excuse. I couldnt say no. I was too weak and obviously still in this bubble of delusions. Now we're back to normal but we really haven't discussed about what happened cause he told me he wants to put the past behind us. He said he could still remember the words he had read from my chats very clearly but hes trying to forget it now cause its different without me.

 

So we're back together and im utterly numb. I dont know where to go from here. I did asked him of his expectations but told me he didnt want to be too demanding and just want us to be happy again and move on. I hope i'm doing the right thing of accepting him back.