too soon to move on?

[planb]

I ended a 3-year relationship in May, 2004. It was an ugly break-up, involving a month of me groveling and begging, him becoming mean, and then me establishing NC - which has not been broken for 5 months. In the background (since January 2004) was a great guy who really liked me, who I have now dated for 4 months.

 

I really care for my new boyfriend, but he is concerned that I am not completely over my old boyfriend. After some heavy prodding on his part, I admitted that I still have anger towards my old boyfriend and that I have no desire to see him because it will just stir up unwanted feelings, but I don't want that relationship back (because there are things that just won't change) and I don't think my negative feelings about the past relationship are preventing me from moving forward in another relationship.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? How have you handled it - both with your significant other (how to communicate what you are feeling?) and with yourself (am I really not over it?)

[lady00]

deleted.

[GettingOverIt]

I agree... You need to forgive your old bf. I don't know if anyone would agree with me or not here, but I say you do it to his face. I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted from my shoulders when I went to visit an old gf and ask her to forgive me for things I had done and to let her know that I had forgiven her for things she had done. She was not happy about that, but that isn't what mattered... What mattered was that I had forgiven her in my heart and to her face. What she chose to do with that was her business....

[planb]

Thanks for the advice. Intellectually, I like the advice: the idea of forgiving him - forgiving him for being such an awful person at times during and after the relationship. But whether I can actually convince myself to do it is another thing. I am still pretty disgusted that someone who told me for 3 years that I was the center of his universe could -within a week after breaking up - tell me that: "I've moved on, I'm not attracted to you anymore, you are not the love of my life, I don't want to be friends," etc. Emotionally, the idea of just writing him off seems a lot easier. And who knows, maybe it's a pride thing too.

[hurtin]

I've been jugling with the idea of forgiving my ex as well. The problem (mainly my ego), is I feel she doesn't deserve to my forgiveness. If she was to come straight out and ask for it, then yes..I would grant her total forgiveness. But if I have to volunteer it, it means that she still feels like she did no wrong-hence doesn't need to be forgiven. What do you guys think?

[Strandysmommy]

I wonder if our ex's really even care? I mean, do they really think they did anything wrong? Do they really care that they've hurt someone? Or are they just doing what is good for them, you know...looking out for number one: them.

 

I don't think my ex really gives a rip. When he broke up with me I said "I hate you!" (I didn't mean it) and he was like "ok". Said in a voice that would suggest "no skin off my nose...whatever". And then he gave me the old "I still want to be friends". And I said that could never happen and he knew it. "Hmmp alright then.." This is a guy who thinks he did no wrong. My forgiveness is something he'd shrug at and then turn around and laugh about later....sorry, I guess I have some anger issues too, regarding him.

[shockeddismayed]

Hello All,

 

I am in the same spot. So while I have no answers, I do have a few opinions on the matter.

 

1) As terrible as it sounds, coming to a forgiveness point is important for YOU. You are forgiving them for your own selfish benefit... and not only is that ok, but it is necessary if you want to be able to move on without baggage.

2) You don't necessarily need to do it to their face. You don't even need them to know. That's a personal choice.

3) You don't need them to know what they did wrong... YOU know what they did wrong, and you probably have a good idea WHY. So essentially you can forgive them for their own lack of good sense. You forgive them for whatever legitimate reasons (communication, trust, etc) led them (and you) to the end of the relationship.

4) You accept that breakups are emotional times for BOTH sides... you understand that things were said on BOTH sides that were upsetting. For example: Strandysmommy, by saying "I hate you" you probably really hurt him. He knows you said it out of anger, hence his response "ok" was more saying "I know you are a little out of sorts right now, I'll absorb your anger and not return it, but I don't think it was a nice thing to say, and if that is the way you want to be, so be it". So in this instance you feel upset because he didn't return your negative energy stemmed from passion.... is that insult any more or less then telling someone you hate them and don't want to be friendly with them anymore? I think it depends on your perspective.

 

I guess the summary of what I am saying, is that you need to eventually get to a point where you can see what happened in the relationship from a somewhat objective perspective. When you get there, you will be able to forgive yourself, and you will also be able to forgive your EX. Both of you did things that were not appropriate for a partnership... things failed as a result. Try to allow BOTH sides the lee-way to make mistakes so that you can walk away without toxic feelings.

 

I say all of this, but the truth is I am still struggling with the same thing. I'd successfully gotten to the point where I could forgive the breakup, and understand that it needed to happen, but now I am struggling with forgiving the dishonesty and misplaced passions that halted our reconciliation process. I guess I can't relate to her still being "not herself" at the time I'd already forgiven the breakup... I can't seem to forgive her starting a reconciliation process she ultimately wasn't ready for. On my side I am having difficulty forgiving my emotional response when I found out what was really going on. I know it should be simple, but sometimes it just takes time.

 

In the meatime I'm dating other people casually, but I know my heart won't be truly "ready" again until I can forgive and let go. I'm trying to be honest with these new interests.

 

This will take time.