Lack of empathy and sad vision of life

[vanana]

Hi ! I posted before my relationship. Things got better and he treats me better since he really realized he'd lost me. I gave it another chance to reconnect because I still have feelings.. We don't have those huge crazy fights anymore. Anyways !

 

My problem is that I feel like his vision of life is dark... He always say he prefers to see things bad so if they end up good he will be surprised and happy. He is very hard on people and sometimes rant about people from facebook for hours.

It makes me feel so bad ! It sucks the energy out of me and leave me depressed. I told him is vision of life is dark and sad and he said that's why we balance each other, I am the light and he is the dark. The thing is that even if I try to be happy as much as I can, I get depressed very easily and his bad energy leaves me drained and sad.

 

Also not believing my words on some subjects... The other day I spent 10 hours online learning about the side effects of the pill and long term consequences ( I'm stopping it because I lost my libido ). I explained all I learned to him and he won't aknowledge anything unless he sees a scientific research. I didnt keep all the tabs of 10 hours of searching open.. How can I not have any credibility after reading so much on the subject. It's not just on big subject like this one. (its not because he doesnt want me to stop it, he knows it's my choice and my body). everytime I tell him about things I read on the internet he says ' I don't believe what virgins in underwears write on forums' What the hell !!!! I love to read articles and also forums to see people's experiences and opinions on different subjects.

 

I bought lots of healthy food when I went grocery shopping last time and I said I'd like for us to eat healthier and I want to cook nice meals. (he gained 20lbs, he finds himself less atractive and I want to help) He's okay with that and think it's good but instead of saying something nice like ' I can't wait to eat those meals!' he said ' I wonder how long that will last ' ......Ughhhhh ! Turned me mad instantly! Nice words would motivate me to cook more often than nagging. Without me he'd be eating mac and cheese all the time.

 

He doesn't seem to understand empathy, he says he's about the truth. How can someone so dark can have place in his heart to really love someone truly.

I don't have a specific question. I would jsut like your opinions on his behavior. Am I too sensitive, should I care less ?

[Misfortune]

Sounds like my relationship before I got dumped. Guess she got tired of trying to balance things out. She would also spend ours researching things and I would ask for proof; not that I really doubted her everytime, I'm just a proof or else kind of guy.I did the fb rants which probably bothered her since she loves social media. She cooked and wanted to be healthy but I wouldn't join her, I was satisfied being me. Now I do eat easy to make stuff like Mac and cheese since I can't cook. I guess that's what abandonment, low self esteem and many failed relationships have made me.

 

Idk how to deal with it since I'm that way also. I'm interested in other replies though. I'm a lot better as far as being aware since doing therapy but I still can't seem to empathize/sympathize with people. While I understand their pains if we have similar experiences, I just don't feel anything. It's just more of a dry "yea, me too" thing for me. I don't know how to express my emotions.

[Misfortune]

What happens to us damaged souls with dark views of the world? Do we just live alone forever? I thought opposites attract.

 

I'm on a find myself journey and hopefully I'll be semi-light visioned person at the end of it.

[Purusha]

I've been in a relationship with someone like this, and I can tell you, it drained the life out of me too.

 

I agree with thelostglove - your partner should enhance, not dump, on your life. If he has a negative outlook, or is cynical, often this is masked as 'realistic and logical' whereas it's really just the safe place to be so that you're never disappointed as you never get your hopes up. The reality is that you just spend your life feeling disappointed.

 

The problem is that he's transferring his cynicism onto you, so that you now feel like he lacks faith in you and doesn't support you - this can affect your own sense of confidence and self belief if you let it. The way he's behaving may or may not be how he actually feels, he may just be projecting on to you exactly what he does in other areas of his life. He's obviously been very hurt in the past and is protecting himself, however unless he takes responsibility for this and takes action to adjust his perspective and behaviour I don't see it getting much better for you.

 

He can't change for you, only for himself, and this only really tends to happen if someone is extremely unhappy with where they're going or they lose everyone and everything around them - he may need to get to this point before anything substantially changes, otherwise it's just a sticking plaster. The fact that he's still got a cynical negative perspective tells me that he's trying to adjust his behaviour for you, which will fall flat at some point unless he institutes a fundamental change.

 

Not that you should try and change him - I would never advocate that, but I'm curious to know what in his life has hurt him and whether he's actually truly dealt with that? What do you think on this one? Has he ever had therapy or read books, tried to gain some form of insight to deal with his problems?

 

For yourself, I think you need to be realistic in terms of whether you really see this changing, and if not I would recommend getting out - it will wear you down and get you depressed, and it will restrict your life because there are so many things that you may like to do or be hopeful about that he will ultimately quash your faith and enthusiasm in.

 

Your values and how you view life will ultimately determine your future, as this is more of a long term influence than your immediate attraction and love for someone - if they're hopelessly mismatched or someone is at a stage in their life where it brings you down and puts the brakes on for you, it's unlikely to stay the course, and for good reason.

 

I understand your anger and frustration totally, I felt the same and eventually had to end it because I just couldn't cope with the dour outlook on life and the suspicion on everything around him. It narrowed his focus so much, and it evolved to the point where he found it difficult to enjoy anything around him because he couldn't stop being cynical of everything and everyone, and he became very judgemental - all these traits I couldn't live with.

 

If you're in any way an optimistic free individual these are not good things to be around - it might be good for them, but don't forget yourself - he can only heal himself.

[Purusha]

What do you imagine, Misfortune? I'm a completely damaged soul. Neglected kid of alcoholic/narcissistic combo. I've been in prison all my life. I've always been alone. I do have dark thoughts about the world and I live more unhappy days than bright ones but for the most, I refuse to let myself macerate in them and instead focus on the positive. I want to give kindness, love, support. Every day, I try to be a better person and try to believe in a better life. I don't expect anyone to semi-light me. I try to find the light inside of me, how hard it is. But it's worth the effort.

 

Other helped, having a few close friendships helped me to be more able to express my feelings.

 

Wow, thank you for sharing your story - very inspirational. xx

[vanana]

Thanks a lot for your answers. It makes me feel better to be understood. I will have a serious discussion about this and tell him that I can't continue like this. He'll have to understand and work on it or say goodbye.

 

Purusha: He has an horrible childhood trauma.. He is pretty sure that's what made him that way(by respect I'm not gonna discuss it). I understand that some memories of the past are hard to overcome but he is 30 years old now and should seek to grow as a person instead of being cynical and smoking pot. The first months I knew him he was much more positive so I'm hoping it's still inside him.

[Purusha]

Good luck with it vanana - bear in mind that if he has deep seated issues dating from his childhood he will likely need to deal with them in order to move on, it's very likely he's become trapped into a pattern of behaviour as a coping mechanism and any other way probably looks way too risky for him.

 

If he does choose to deal with this, give yourself some head and heart space from it - these are his issues that he needs to get to grips with, so don't take any flack for them in the meantime and get some happiness and support in your life too!!

 

Keep smiling