Am I a rebound?

[rebound]

Hi,

I'm a bit confused and need your advice.

Two months ago I met a wonderful guy; he had finished his relationship one week before and we started to talk and date. Few days after, we became more intimate and I asked him what about his ex. He said it was over, so we started dating more serious. Two weeks later, he told me he found his ex and she told him she wasn't prepared to give up of "them"; I told him exactly the same, I was enjoying this relationship so much and wasn't either prepared to finish. He told me to let things flow; he and his ex had a past together, but the present "was me and him".

Thursday he dropped the bomb: he said he was very confused about the ex and was having troubles in accepting she could be with someone else and asked me some time. It was when I started asking some questions he told me all the truth: that he and his ex were having an affair since the beginning of our relationship, he was sleeping almost every night in her house and he needed to end with this "double" life because he was hurting me, himself and the ex. I was devastated and had to run out and asked him the weekend to sort my mind.

Sunday night we met again and he told me, Thursday he was prepared to finish with me – he even had told the ex that – but he hadn't the courage for that and during the weekend decided to be with me and leave the ex.

I don't know what to do. I'm deeply in love with this guy, but I don't know what I mean to him. Am I a rebound? Since the beginning he betrayed me with his ex, but now he asks my forgiveness and says he wants to be with me. I think this is positive,, but then again is it possible on Thursday decide to get back to the ex and on Sunday decide to be with me instead? Has he found he loves me or he is just with me because of guilty?

 

Help me. I really, really need your advice.

 

[San123]

I know it isnt what you want to hear, but I would end it with this guy. You are the rebound relationship and he is not over her.

[RayKay]

This may not be what you want to hear, but I would tell him to sort things out on his own. And move on. Maybe he will take some time to himself and decide he does truly want you and make every effort to show that...but right now, well, your entire relationship he has told you it is over with her and he chooses you yet he was still cheating on you with her?

 

That is not a healthy way to start a new relationship.

 

You deserve WAY better. He has issues if he can flip flop like that...I am guessing many insecurities or he just enjoys having two women who want him. Make the decision for him and tell him to go back to the ex, or on his own. Stand up for YOURSELF. Think of the message he gets if he thinks he can cheat on you for two months with his ex, flip flop, yet you still take him back?

 

I have decided that we do not get the relationship we deserve until we KNOW we deserve it and demand it...by staying with this guy you are missing out on what you deserve.

[rebound]

What about the decision to end with the ex and be with me (he promissed me he will cut all the contact wit her)? This could possible meen he had found out he loves me?!

 

Please help me to sort my mind

[RayKay]

What about the decision to end with the ex and be with me (he promissed me he will cut all the contact wit her)? This could possible meen he had found out he loves me?!

 

Please help me to sort my mind

 

He might be afraid to lose you, but I don't think he can truly love you, not if he was diverting so much attention to his ex all this time. And even if he does love you...he disrespected you the entire length of your relationship! Sometimes love just is not enough.

[rebound]

I know you're right; almost for sure he isn't over the ex. Somehow, i think he is making a real effort to forget the ex and move on, but i don't know if that is possible.

 

I really wish to believe that (he was my first)

[RayKay]

I know you're right; almost for sure he isn't over the ex. Somehow, i think he is making a real effort to forget the ex and move on, but i don't know if that is possible.

 

I really wish to believe that (he was my first)

 

It's possible for him to move on...but not until he has some time apart from both her and you and any other rebound. Otherwise he will never deal with it, or won't until later down the road, either which would be negative for your relationship as he would be bringing his unresolved issues into the scenario with you.

 

I really think you should move on and don't cause yourself trauma you know you can prevent.

 

How old are you?

[rebound]

26 . I always preserved myself for a special guy and although we had sex one week after we met, I thought i had found the one. That's why, I find so difficult to think on move on.

 

I know he still loves his ex (feelings don't disappear over night, just because we decide so) but I'm asking if it is possible, now he is truly determined on forgetting the ex, we have a new and fresh start and maybe in a few months (without contacting her) he could forget her and love me.

 

I know I'm not making sense…

 

[RayKay]

Yes there could be a new and fresh start...but it is months from now without contact with you either.

 

What I am more concerned about is that you seem to not be taking note of fact what he did was cheating..I don't care if it was with his ex or the coat check girl at the local bar...the fact is he DID cheat. You deserve someone who does not think cheating is his given right to do!

 

I think you should start saving yourself all over again for that truly special guy.

[rebound]

I know and i really appreciate your advice. I'm so lost.

My head his telling me he doesn't deserve me and he cheated on me; my heart is "making" all this if scenarios.

I know he cheated, but he says he is sorry and committed to make us work; it has to mean a little the fact he was prepared to dump me to get back with the ex, but at the last minute found out he can't do that. Then again I really want to believe this could mean something but at the same time I'm afraid he could just doing this bc he feels guilty.

Worst… how can I trust he won't change his mind again?! But… how can I be sure he isn't the one?!

 

As you can see, I don't have much experience in this relationship stuff.

 

Oh my head... what a confusion

[Switch187]

Rebound this guy has some serious insecurities that he needs to deal with before getting into another relationship, and if you want it to be a healthy lasting relationship then you need to give him a little space and time to deal with these things. His biggest problem is his fear of being alone, which is a big fear for most people. Because of this fear he was unable to commit himself to you, and know he's completely confused on what he wants. He first said he wanted his ex back, but either she didn't take him or something happened, so he flipped back to you, telling you that your the one he wants. The whole time he was with you, he was still going through the break up motions with his ex, having "ex sex" with her and confusing himself on what type of relationship they have. I think that he found out they really didn't have anything (maybe she told him finally) and so he jumped ships back to you. If you get back with him soon then your just putting yourself back into the rebound relationship, and your just going to be a person he will use to help him get over his ex and find a new girl (he may stay with you, but chances are he will look for someone else after he's over his ex). Right now all of this has made you very confused as well. Your unsure if he really will commit to you, and you should be seeing how he acted the past two months. Your not sure if he is the "one" or not, especially since you saved yourself for someone like him, but that can't be the only reasone why you would want to take him back after what he did. The best thing to do is tell him that you both need some time to really think things through, and he needs to be sure that he's ready for a relationship before attemting to get into one. You could tell him that you don't mind being casual friends (with NO sex) during this time, but he needs to get his head straight (as well as you) before the two of you could try and work on a committed relationship with each other.

[sweetharmony]

I don't want to sound harsh, but this guy sounds confused and doesn't know what he wants. Even if he does like you, he is not over the ex. he probably realizes the relationship with the ex should be over, but he doesn't want to let go and he is keeping you waiting in the wings. he is having his cake and eat it too. I had a rebound relationship. I broke up with my ex of four years only to find myself in a relationship with a new guy immediately after. in fact, i was talking to the guy before i broke up with my ex (but we didn't sleep together until a month after the break-up. he was a great guy, treated me well- but unfortunately I just used him (not knowingly) as a way to get out of my four year relationship and to numb myself from the pain. yes, even the dumper goes through severe pain. once i realized what i was truly doing, i freaked out and hurt the new guy pretty bad. he had "fallen in love" with me (to his belief) and I started to feel the pain of my break-up and realized i was numbing myself with this "fake new love." I broke down and realized I made a big mistake.

 

if this guy likes you, let him come to you. break off contact and put a stand to him. let him know you won't tolerate this and when he's ready to begin a new relationship, then perhaps you might be too. But he needs time to get over his feelings. clearly he isn't. he needs some time to figure out what he wants and you're giving your self respect to him too easy. if you don't take a stand to the fact that he cheated, he's going to do it again and again. he's already gone back and forth several times. please keep your dignity and respect and walk away now. you don't want to be made a fool. if he truly cares about you and wants to start something he will understand your point of view and realize that what he's doing is wrong. then, he will come to you when he resolves his feelings and is over the ex. good luck.