I lost my childs father to suicide when I was 2 months preg!

[Joanne85]

Hello everyone, I have been trying to deal with the death of my sons father almost 3 years now. Everyone kept saying its going to get better and easier to cope with but its not. I find myself looking at my son and seeing his father there, I find myself hating his father. I feel like he abandoned us here, and left me to do everything alone. I am 19 years old and I feel like I am alone in this world, like I am in a black tunnel and see no light nowhere. Like I have nobody to lean on. I get so frustrated sometimes. Like today a picture of me and my sons father was on the wall, I found myself breaking the picture telling him I hate him for everything he has put me threw and everything I still have to deal with in the near future, like explaining to my son where his father is, and why he did it. Its becoming to much to deal with. He is the one man that I thought would always be there for me, that I was comfortable with. Now I am alone in this world with a beautiful son, that I cant even look in the eyes for the pain its going to cause me of seeing his father in him. Now don't get me wrong, I totally adore and love my son more than anything in this world and would not trade him for nothing but it still hurts. Will my pain ever end????? Will I get over the anger I feel for his father and the hate I have for him???? I have just gotten into a new relationship with someone and I am falling in love with him, but I try to space myself from him, cause I am scared I will lose him, maybe not to death but just in general. I don't know what to do, I am just so confused. IM not going to lie I have thought about suicide myself, but I love my son and me to much for that. It just seems like the easy way to end all my pain. I don't want to live the rest of my life hating him or feeling empty inside. Please someone help me, tell me what you think I need or should be doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Strictly4MyGrind]

Offcourse everything will eventually get better.Especially for someone like you who truly loves and adores there child.An commiting suicide is not tha way end your pain it will jus cause pain to your child even more. You get frustrated you get angry it hurts...People find ways to take away there pain me i found music in particular rap music mostly rappers that describe there own pain in there music.People like 2 pac and rappers like z-ro rap about there own pain and because of this mine is taken away. Other people put there pain into something contructive like painting.But jus look to the futute of your child be positive the pain will end.Everything will be worth while for your child to live a wonderfull life.Hope i helped.Sorry if i didnt.

 

The pain will stop.

[Mun]

Joanne,

I'm sorry that you have lost your baby's father. This is a terrible loss for both you and the baby. Be strong because I think that your life will get better and you will one day forgive him for having "left." It takes real strength to go on when everything looks so bleak, but you are doing it. I'm sure you will be ok.

 

You have a new opportunity with this man. Don't pass it up if he makes you happy, but remember that in order to make someone else happy we must first be able to make ourselves happy. Does that make sense?

 

Take care of yourself and your needs. Pamper yourself whenever possible and you will see with time that you CAN make yourself happy. Then you will be open to letting someone else treat you just as well as you treat yourself. Then if things don't work out you will not feel as if it's the end of the world. You will know that you can survive because your happiness depends on you. I do hope that made sense because I kinda counfused myself .

 

love

[Joanne85]

Thank you both for your responses, it means a lot to me that you took the time to read my story. I agree that I must be happy before I can make someone else happy. I just feel like everyone is out to leave me, like Jason (sons father) did. I know he had his problems and they were unbearable for him so he killed himself, but when he did he killed part of me as well. He killed my heart, my happiness, and my ability to love others. I have such a fear of being close to anyone, for the fact im scared they will be gone. I know it sounds a lil silly but its the truth. I have even become this way with family members. I try to distance myself from everyone. I know its no way to live my life, and I should enjoy the time I have with everyone I love and the ones that love me, and I really do try and hopefully I will suceed at it one day and get over my fear of everyone leaving me, all I can do is pray for the best and remember that everyone is not out to get me, Thank you both again!!!

[ivy2]

Joanne,

 

So many things happen in life that we don't understand. Suicide is one of these. It is not something we can control and often the person that committs suicide is so good at hiding their true feelings and state of mind that even the closest people to them do not realise what is going on. This is not your fault. His suicide has nothing to do with you, you have to believe that. He was in a place in which he felt he couldn't escape, once there it is very hard to return.

 

You can love again, and you can feel safe. You have to believe in yourself. You have to believe that you are everything God made you to be, you have a purpose and there is someone out there waiting for you (whether your new partner is that person or not). It is good that you have found somebody you can depend on, this will help you grow and get through the grieving process.

 

But learn to depend just on yourself. I don't know what you believe, I don't know if you believe in God. All I know is that I have been low and my faith is the only thing that saved me. Knowing that I am loved, that I was created for a reason, that I HAVE A PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH.

 

You are a mother, that is the most important role in the world. Your Son will grow into the person you encourage, that you love. He will grow to respect your strength and in time will understand your sacrifices for his happiness. It is hard to mourn and just feel crappy when you have a child that depends on you. Let him be your light, I am sure he will have that special way of making you happy, making you smile - children tend to do that.

 

Don't distance yourself from the people that can help you. your family were handpicked for you hun, there is a reason for that, each one is special. There are no coincidences - everything is planned. They will help you if you let them, maybe not in a way that you would notice, but just spending time with people that love you and that want to see you happy again, and people that you trust will help you.

 

Believe me when I tell you that the world will continue to rotate whether you get on the train or not. Don't let it pass you by. As you know life is too short. Love is real, it is not a fairytale. Everyday be grateful for your life, for your family, and for your son, you never know when your time is up. I am not saying this to upset you, I am saying it to remind you that you are not the one that died 3 years ago. You live, make sure you make that a reality, not for your son, but for yourself, because when he grows up and moves on - you need to have a reason to live, to smile, to breathe.

 

Your family members and friends are going to be there until they have fulfilled their purpose, until it is their time. This will happen whether you are by their side or not. You are not the reason Jason left this world, you are not the reason others will too. Wouldn't you rather spend every moment you can with those you love, and those that love you so that when it is their time you know you took full advantage of their life, of your life.

 

It is precious, and you are precious. Never forget it. You will be loved, and you are looked after even though sometimes it may not feel like it.

 

Look after yourself

God bless

 

 

Ivy

[Joanne85]

Thank you very much Ivy for your response, And your so right about everything you said, im not the one who died almost 3 years ago. I need to live my life and be happy with the time I got here. I so appreciate everything you said, and I believe GOD will see me threw this, they say he puts no more on you than you can handle. Thank you all for giving me confidence and strength to see threw my problems, I dunno what I would do if I had not joined this group a few days ago, you are really all great people. I am blessed to have you all to talk to!!

[ivy2]

You are very welcome. I have not lost a partner but I have lost 3 friends under 22 and it is devastating. Just remember you were blessed to know him for the time you had with him (assuming your relationship was positive).

 

That is absolutely true, God loves you and will not give you more than you can cope with. Sometimes it is a way to bring you closer to him. Trust in him. Everything has a reason, I KNOW that in the heat of mourning a loved one this is hard to believe, but it is true.

 

You are accountable for your life and the life of your son, that is all - Make it valued and something that people look up to. Be confident in yourself, you were created, individually crafted. Everything about you was, good and bad. So much can come from knowing that.

 

You know where I am if you need to talk. God Bless

 

Ivy

[Joanne85]

I love reading your replys, you have so much wisdom and are exactly right everytime. I had to tell my mother about your responses they touched me so much. Why is it that I am so angry at him?? I cant look at his pictures, when I think about him it makes me so frustrated. But I still love him and feel sorry for him. The hardest thing is the nightmares, I can still see him hanging in that tree some nights. I have grown this fear of dying ever since he passed. I know I should not be scared but I am very much. Everytime I get in a car, I think is this my last ride. It is making my life hard. There is two things that are guaranteed in life, birth and death but after he passed it seems death has become also a nightmare to me. Im sure other people feel the same way but before he passed it did not scare me at all I could talk about it with people, now I just say lets not talk about it please. Maybe its cause it has become reality to me. Ivy I thank you so much for all your responses, you will never know how grateful I really am.

[ivy2]

I don't see myself as wise - but hey, each to their own . I have just had an interesting life, and God has really proven himself and lit my path. That is the only way I have come to know what I know and I am still trying to interpret the world we live in and the complex identities that we all have. Everyday I am challenged to walk the talk and re-evaluate what I believe in and what I know.

 

As I said I haven't lost a partner, so as much as I can write what I think -I HAVE NOT BEEN IN YOUR SHOES... and I hope I never am. I have had friends attempt suicide (when I was a teenager) but thankfully they were not successful, so again I have not been there.

 

I would hate to give you the wrong information, and end up hurting you - that would absolutely devastate me. So what I say is purely what I believe, and related to my experiences, you are a different person and your situation is unique so not everything I say will relate. BUT hopefully I give you some things to think about.

 

I just wanted you to know that. I also understand that just talking to somebody that doesn't know you, that isn't judging you, and that you can spill your heart to WILL HELP. I know that being in front of somebody - ie a councillor can be really daunting...BUT in saying that it can be incredibly helpful - they are professionals!!

 

The reason I say this is a few things happened to me when I was a child, I went to a councillor at school when I was 13 and she betrayed my confidence so I have never been back to another one. There are things that need to be dealt with professionally and loosing a partner to natural causes is one thing but it is a lot more complicated when they are lost to suicide. I don't know if you are seeing somebody already (professionally), but I would suggest thinking about it. It may save your life (emotionally, spiritually).

 

A pastor (if you have a local church) can also be a godsend (literally). A Christian councillor can guide you in your faith which in turn would help you work through your emotional trauma and start healing your scars. They are there to help you!!

 

I can understand why you are angry at him. I have always said that the victims of suicide are not those who die but those who live. The questions unanswered are the worst. He left you, and your child - you have every right to be angry. But their comes a time when you need to forgive, because to be honest, being angry at somebody only hurts you. Once again this is hard to make a reality but TRUST ME !! It is worth it.

 

Have you tried writing him a letter? Don't hold back - write EVERYTHING on your mind - obviously you can't give it to him but that is not the point.

 

This letter may take a while to write as after you have written everything (which will be really really hard) you need to forgive him, and you need to write it down on the letter. This may seem crazy, and this alone will not work but it is a powerful tool. You WILL CRY - I can tell you that now, writing it down can be heartwrenching, but it will help you let go of all the negative feelings attached to this relationship and his death.

 

Once you have finished I would go into a church - speak to a pastor and tell them the situation, that you need to forgive this person, you need to give yourself permission to move on. They will pray for you, and GOD WILL BE THERE!

 

I took 12 years to do this and I tell you I wish I did this earlier, it was so hard, but it was an amazing moment and I have never looked back. I used to daydream about it, sometimes I would be sitting beside my husband in the car with tears flowing down my face and he never noticed because I didn't want to talk about it, because I was silently trying to deal with it alone. I DO NOT DO THIS ANYMORE. If I think about it, I know that it does not have power over me anymore, I can talk about it without breaking down, I can give others advice and know that I am strong and have become stronger due to my circumstance.

 

YOU WILL SUCCEED in this if you believe you will. I burnt my letter after I had finished it. You need to read over it a few times - you may choose not to burn it but I found it was better, it was almost a way of ridding myself of it.

 

When looking at photographs - think of the good times you had, not the bad. I know this may not be possible for a while. Force yourself to remember the good, you can do this.

 

The nightmares - yes, that is a hard one because you feel like you have no control over them. YOU DO. I try to pray everynight, and ask god to surround me with angels. I have done this since I was a child and I used to have terrible nightmares. Normally I didn't pray until I woke up from the first nightmare balling my eyes out. At that stage I was begging God to take them away. He always did !!

 

What you put into your mind you will put out - be careful what you feed yourself - emotionally and spiritually. Try to imagine something beautiful before you go to sleep, something you love, somewhere you feel comfortable. I used to always think of either icecream or angels and on those days that is exactly what I dreamt about. This sounds really simple and I am not promising that it will work for you but it did for me, not every night but most.

 

You don't have to talk about it, if you don't feel comfortable. This will change as you manage to forgive him and forgive yourself (that is one of the hardest things to do - and many times you don't realise that you need to, but subconsciously it is an issue).

 

If you believe in God and have a personal relationship with him, pray - talk to him, if you believe in heaven and angels - how can that be scary? It sounds stupid and even reading what I am writing makes me think about it. Of course I don't want to die, there is so much to discover, so much to feel and experience here - but I am not afraid of what there is waiting on the other side. GOD IS LOVE - how could that be anything but beautiful. LIFE IS A JOURNEY, not the destination. ETERNITY is the destination and there is only one way to that. LIVE!!

 

As I mentioned in the last email, life is short, you know that. And when it is your time it is your time, there is nothing you can do to change that. God will not take somebody if his/her loved ones could not survive without them. YOU CAN AND YOU WILL.

 

BELIEVE IT

 

This post is way to long already so I will let you go. Remember what I said about going to see a Pastor, God has placed them there to help the people, they will help you. It is very important that you feel comfortable with them though, find one that you do.

 

If you think it will help - write that letter.

 

Let me know

Hope you got something out of this

 

May God give you the strength to bring yourself to a place in which you can forgive those who have hurt you, and open up a new chapter of your life in which you will be loved and cherished.

 

Kia Kaha (Stay Strong)

 

Ivy