being treated differently to my cousin!

[chicken]

hey, i am in a relationship with a guy that is 17yrs older than me. we are verry much in love and have been living together for just over a year now and have been together foe just over 2years.

 

how i came to living with him is b/c my parents hated the fact that we wanted to be together, they tried to make me stop it and i just kept going behind thier backs and seeing him b/c i couldn bear to lose someone so special. my parents and family hate his guts and he is never invited to family events(which i do understand) and none of them want to hear about stuff to do with him and me if you know what i mean.

there are some people in my family that are ok with it and are there for me if i need to talk.

 

my cousin who is 14 has now started to go out with a guy who is 21!! i know its a smaller age gap, but apparently her prents do not accfept it but treat him like they would a bf of her age if you get what i mean. well my paernts also say they do not agree with it but yeaterday (at my baby cousins christin) he was inited and my dad was being really chummy with him and invited him to go out with all the men in my family next weekend.my cousin and her bf are not being treated any differently, like me and my bf.

 

when her bf is invited to family stuff i cant stand the fact that he has been accepte just like that from the beginning. even tho its a smaller age gap it is stil a similar situation. why can they be together at family events and not me? what do i do? pls help

[dreamweaverdude]

Well Chicken I didn't see your afe posted anywhere... age gap relationship are usually tougher on those surronding the relationship than those involved. There is this concept that one is 'robbing the cradle' and taking mental advantage over the other. It's a natural fear for parents to feel that way, it doesn't make it right but put yourself in there shoes and see how you would feel. Not defending them, but seeing there perspective is not hard to do.

 

17 years should not be an issue if the two of you love each other and are willing to deal with the 'issues' involved in the relationship.

 

As far as how the 14 year old who is dating a 21 year old is being handled. It doesn't appear to be handled fairly by your dad, but then again she is not his daughter. I hate to admit it, it would be a hell of a lot earlier for me to deal with someone else daughter's dating an older guy than my own.

 

But personally 14/21 is not anything as a dad i would find easy to accept. A girl at 14 would be too easy to be overwhelmed by the 21 year old in my opinion. But my opinion is worth about what you are paying for it. LOL.

 

Life isn't fair.... and i'm sorry your dad is showing differences. BUt you may literally just 'have to deal with it' and go on. It may not be very easy to change your dad's opinion except over time as he sees that the two of you ARE meant for each other. Time is the ONLY cure for some situations. Good Luck!

[chicken]

hey thanks dreamweaverdude,

however it is not only just my dad that is acting differently, it is also my cousins paents!! apparently they are just dealing with it but they are also really chummty with him!! i think i know that the answer was just to deal with it, but im dreading when christmas comes!!! if he is invited!! aqnd if all my family give him a present i will find that hard!! i am 17 by the way nearly 18. my cousins bf was a friend of the family b4 they were dating so was my bf. i guess i just want them to get some grief as i do. i know that sounds mean!! i do understand where my parents are coming from and how i have hurt them but surely they want me to be happy!!! this is the only thibg i find hard. i dont really want to talk to my parents b/c i know it will end up in argument!! i find it hard talk to my cousins bf eventhough i was friends with him b4.

[Mun]

Oh I agree with Dreamweaverdude, I think your parents accept it because it's not their daughter. I know my parents would have thought the same way.

 

Maybe there are other things going on here and your parents feel disrespected by your boyfriend because they knew and trusted him but didn't think he would take their "little girl"--know what I mean?

 

I guess the 17 yr age difference is a big one to them. Does your bf have children? has he been married? those might be factors too... I don't know.

 

In any case if you are happy and your boyfriend treats you right- then you have what you want. Being with someone closer to our age does not guarantee happiness or mutual respect.

[chicken]

yea my bf has 2kids and is divorced. i think that is also a reason why they dislike it so much!! but surley wouldnt it be worse b/c my cousin is only 14?? i know i met my bf when i was 14 but i was only a few months off being 16.

[Flower]

For any one who is reading this, i am the girlfriend of chickens brother. I do understand what you are saying about your cousin, but then its the difference between 7yrs and 17yrs. I can imagine how hard it must be for you, when you see you cousin and her bloke and then me and your brother. I think that maybe the only reason that your cousin mum and dad except it is because they have seen what has happened with you and dont want you cousin to move out.

One other big fact is, your cousing is very mature for her age she is more like a 17yr old. Also he doent have kids. Your fella does, this is another thing your mum and dad have to get there head around.

Try and put yourself in your mum and dads position, there baby gal has moved out and with someone who was a family friend who they trusted.

I respect you for going with love and think you are so brave.

I no i had trouble with excepting it to start with, but it obvious to me you must really love him, I just havn't been in that situation before.

Back to your cousin again, it is a different situation and the 10yrs difference between you relationship and theres is a big difference.

I think that you may just have to try and cope with it and maybe they will come around. Maybe they will see how much you love him one day. love ya loads xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Flower]

Love you xxxxxxxx

[TrueHeart]

In any case if you are happy and your boyfriend treats you right- then you have what you want. Being with someone closer to our age does not guarantee happiness or mutual respect.

 

I completely agree with this statement. I can relate to you, Flower-- and your efforts to try to bring peace and acceptance are admirable, to say the least. I am 23, and my new BF is 44, so I can quite understand the age-gap relationship. He too has 2 kids, is divorced.. and his kids are very good friends of mine... both at 20 and 21. Love knows no bounds, and we certainly didn't expect it.

 

The family acceptance on something like this with age-gap relationships is one of the toughest nuts to crack. Time truly only tells on this matter. My BF has been a family friend for 8 years, and we were the best of friends that just blossomed into a relationship.

 

As long as YOU'RE happy, and your BF truly understands that the scenerio is being looked on is only because of the arrangement you're in, especially him being divorced w/ 2 kids, not truly HIM as a person.. Then again, I come from a multi-generational family.. My parents are in their mid 60's and my siblings are in their 30's and 40's. It also helps being almost 24.

 

I also agree with Dream that the reason your parents accept it so well is because its NOT their daughter. In other words, they don't have to deal with it... To them, her BF is just another friend of the family. I do not believe they are doing it to show favoritism or perhaps rub anything in your face, you might just be taking it that way.

 

I'm no stranger to older men, I've dated a man who was 33 , and one who is 44... What a difference! The 33-year old acted like he was a spoiled little 25 year old baby.. No kids, never married, but had TONS of emotional baggage-- and that was the worst...

 

I remember reading one of your previous posts, and had to comment. I don't know if I helped much, but wanted to let you know that there are those out there who understand your scenerio.

[chicken]

hey thanks true heart. my cousins bF was also a friend of the fmaily just like mine was. i guess i just feel that if my cousin was to be treated differently like me then i would feel im not the onlyone and perhaps im thinking it would make it easier. I am Verry happy!! thank you for your reply!! just curious which other post of mine did you read?

[TrueHeart]

Oh I think it was a comment on another part of the forum, you breifly mentioned your scenerio. You are definitely not alone, thus the name of the forum But keep your mind open... Remember, there are those out there, nameless/faceless people who care about you, and are here to lend a hand and an ear.

[chicken]

awh thanks thats nice to hear.