How do you deal with pressure in a relationship?

[smile]

I find myself at a crossroad in life that if I don't find an answer, I may never find peace within myself.

 

This has all come about because I love her very much, my life means very little without her, she is ten years my senior and has seven children, three at home still, which I love as my own.

 

I have left her more than twice staying with friends for a couple days not knowing how to deal with the arguments we had, I would always return home though and apologize, for leaving and not understanding.

 

The first time I moved away though, about two years into our relationship, I didn't start talking to her again for a month and half. I told myself that it didn't matter how I was treated and that the changes were for the best, I loved her and I would not leave again. I told her that I loved her and promised I would never leave again.

 

From that point forward I changed my ways, quit drinking, went back to college to finish a second degree in computer science, and tried everything to make her happy. I was unsuccessful in one thing though, unable to remember to fulfill her needs to feel connected as lovers, and this started about six months into our relationship.

 

I told her I loved her everyday and kissed her ten times more than that, so she would know that I loved her, yet I wasn't able to remember to satisfy her more than once a week and that was usually because she would get upset, because I would forget.

 

When we did make love though it was wonderful and we both knew it. To this day I still don't know why I had a problem, I have ideas but nothing that can be figured out without being with her. A year went by since I had returned, with still no change in my problem of remembering. She was hurt again because I forgot again, and I know midterms aren't excuses, but I felt more pressure than I had ever felt in my life when she got upset with me that night.

 

I broke down, thinking she didn't love me, she ran upstairs and I ran outside. I shook all night long on the couch, and looking back I'm sure she cried all night long. The next morning, she came down the stairs and yelled "I'm not going to fill sorry for you", I took off my engagement ring, placed it on the bookshelf and ran out of the house in tears.

 

I denied my love for her for six months, and she moved on to someone else, after being very hurt that I left, after a couple months. I called her up when I figured out I could never quit loving her, and we had talked about everything, every night for anther six months. Then I could not take it any more, her being with someone else, I denied my love again, and tried to move on. I can't stop loving her, she is my best friend and true love, and I can't think of her any other way.

 

I want her to be happy in life, I just still hope.

 

She told me today that she will always love me, but I hurt her too much, and she knows she can trust me in everything, except to be in a relationship.

 

So, I find myself looking into my past, as I have done many times before, searching for answers and question to find myself and recover what I have lost.

 

Is there anyone out there that has an answer or should I just give up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[OceanEyes]

When you love someone, 'giving up' should never be that easy; and it usually isn't.

 

Also, something else to consider, is that if you have problems remembering things with this woman, that you will probably have the same issues with every other woman.

 

To be perfectly honest, I don't see how you can just 'forget' to maintain a semi-active sex life. Sex must not be of the greatest importance to you right now, possibly because of other things going on in your life, taking up space and stressing you out.

 

Do you feel that her request for a healthy sex life is unreasonable? Do you think, realistically, that you will be able to give this to her? If not, then it only seems fair that you are honest with yourself.

 

In many, but not all relationships, sex is just as important to the woman as it is to the man. Men will feel neglected, frustrated and unsatisfied if sex is denied, and women will feel the same, but more; a woman who is being denied sexual attention/ affection will feel unattractive, ignored, undesirable, unloved, and lonely. Whether or not you are doing this on purpose is beside the point, and most likely, the only way that she will feel is bad.

 

You can just say, "if you are 'in the mood', just let me know", or try to get her to let you know when she wants sex, but believe me, she won't agree to that. She won't want to have to ask you for sex, but have it come naturally and because you really feel an intense desire for her. If she has to drop "hints" or requests, then I just don't see things working out. Sex should come naturally and be something that both people feel.

[ReadyorNot]

My bf has convieniently forgotten about me many times in the 4.5 years we have been together..... In the beginning I was his first priority.. but then he seemed to wait till after sex to do me and then he started being tired and that was the end of it...

 

We go through spurts where he forgets about me alot and then I mention it and he starts remembering.... The sex is great so most of the time that is satisfying enough for me but its the point!

[smile]

ReadyorNot & OceanEyes,

 

Thanks so much for replying.

 

In our relationship, it was never a priorty problem she always came first in bed I made sure of that. In all other ways after I came back. I even gave up any time with friends and was happy to do it. I enoyed pleasing her and being with her, warming up her side of the bed to rushing home from work or classes. We didn't always get to sleep at the same time, and alot of that was my fault.

 

I agree completely with a healthy sex life, but what is that? Each person is different, I know she required more sex than I did but it was my responsiblity before I even knew it was a problem.

 

It comes naturally to me once or twice every two weeks, for her twice a week.

 

I love her very much, I would do anthing for her. Even if it meant getting hurt over and over again till we worked things out, but how do I handle the pressure.........

 

Sorry, I just realized somthing.

 

Quit thinking about the pressure and yelling and more how she's filling.

 

Is there away to blockout the yelling, and not fall into it?

 

 

She still loves me as a friend but, I don't know if I could ever see her in just that light.

 

She says shes doesn't think she will ever have what we had together and I don't think I will either.

 

She tells me all the problems she's having in her current relationship, and all the good things as well.

 

She knows how I feel.

 

How, is it possible to gain someones trust in a relationship, without being in a relationship with them?

[smile]

OceanEyes,

 

About giving up, have you ever heard of any man talking and listening to there ex-girlfriend or ex-wife every night for six months while she was dating someone else, and he was at home hoping she would call, or house sitting for her while her and the kids went on vaction and resanding and staining her patio furniture because he had some extra time and he loved her.

 

I don't know maybe I'm just a ........

[OceanEyes]

There are obviously still some pretty intense feelings involved here; but she doesn't seem to be reciprocating them (she is in another relationship).

 

The way you tell the story, it seems like you guys belong together. But, on the other hand, she is with another man. That's the way it is, and you are obviously still unsure of the future.

 

I'm not sure how you can regain her trust while not in a relationship. It seems like you have a pretty open relationship with her at the moment, why not ask? It can't hurt, since she already seems to know that you want to be back in a relationship with her. I think if you always speak from the heart to her and keep your word, she should be able to trust you (but maybe not in the way that she needs to).

 

If you don't have the same sexual energy/ need that she does, it doesn't seem realistic to me that things will work out in the long run, because you know how important it is to her. Are you willing/ capable of having sex on her schedule? This can work in the beginning, but if you're just not as horny as she is, then you're obviously not going to be initiating as much as she does. I don't know about you, but when I am not turned on/ not in the mood for sex - that's the way it is and nothing can change it. However, my boyfriend and I share a similar sex drive.

 

All you can do is tell her how you feel, and hope that she receives it the way you intend it. The way it looks to me, is that you will probably end up together again at some point.