When Breaking NC Might Help

[jbdk]

I've been healing for what has felt like an eternal month and a half now. I put myself out there to prove my love to a LD gf who was from overseas. Things felt different from her, and she seemed quite depressed (spontaneous manic and depressive moods). Anyway, after I returned communication pretty much ceased without warning. For nearly a month I was left in the dark and heard nearly no news from this woman, until she sent me a short message saying how things 'logically' have came to an end. It was torture, but I was relieved to hear something. I left it for what it was and didn't hear from her until she mentioned that she received a thank you card I sent to her family about three weeks after we last were in communication. I didn't think her response was necessary, but I wrote to her reiterating (very coldly) my 'thanks'. I even posted a thread on here about it.

 

Anyway, a few weeks after that, I felt an all-encompassing pang to contact her. I held off for a while, but decided the feelings were too much and I wanted to throw something her way. It was getting to the point where I was feeling considerably worse than the first several weeks after the initial breakup. I mean, she sort of ended things without an explanation I could grasp to. She mentioned she felt depressed, unhappy, useless (could not find work after working hard to obtain it), said her problems were interfering with my life, and although unstated, I'm sure overwhelmed with my nagging for her to start to work together on a plan to have us be together. I asked simple questions like if she found work, how she was, and tried to make it straight forward and a bit light. I simply wrote a couple brief paragraphs and hit send one week ago.

 

I didn't expect an answer at all, but she wrote to me yesterday. All she did was acknowledge a few things I wrote, answered questions about her work, and said she was glad things are going well for me and to keep it up. It didn't even feel like the message was from her. Initially i was disappointed because I wanted to know how she truly was, but she didn't mention one word about her state of being. Eventually though I felt much better about it, and glad I got the response I did. Sure, she could still care and is hiding her feelings to guard herself so she doesn't let them develop anymore hence her not mentioning anything about herself. But that would be a counterproductive assumption. I would be a liar if I said that didn't run through my head, though.

 

But the truth is, it doesn't matter, and she really doesn't care anymore. I gave her 100% of my effort to make things work--and it still didn't work. It doesn't matter what caused her to feel this way, but seeing such a calculated and cold response was more liberating than I'd think. It gives me a logical and palpable reason for why she ended things: she simply lost interest and/or her feelings. The medium by which these emotions arrived to her is irrelevant; but I feel somewhat better knowing that she was most likely replying just not to be mean and she kept her distance. Of course I'm still juggling my emotions too but the prognosis seems very positive in my eyes.

 

So I don't want to dismiss ENO's generic yet effective advice of diligent no contact, but I feel that we all have different personalities and taking a gamble on finding closure can help do just that. But like I said, it is a gamble that could end in being more hurt. This doesn't change that I still care deeply for this woman, but it helps me see the logic and truth behind it all to lead to a straighter and clearer path to recovering and continuing the life that I wish to live which is still occurring every day whether I am there to catch up with it or not.

[mhowe]

Sure, she could still care and is hiding her feelings to guard herself so she doesn't let them develop anymore hence her not mentioning anything about herself. But that would be a counterproductive assumption. I would be a liar if I said that didn't run through my head, though.

 

That would be grasping at thin air.

Your assumption that she no longer "cares" is accurate. Time for the healing to begin and moving on.

[bwhite00]

Things being ended without a logical explanation by someone you'd do anything for, is something I can relate to wholeheartedly, unfortunately they only want you back after you've healed because they're Sadistic. The problem is, I am not masochistic, I do not like pain being inflicted on me for no reason. Get over her man, that's what I am doing. Listen to Godsmack lol

[Red Tie]

I understand the need of Closure and I once had to obtain it and did it. By I admit I was lucky back then.

Most of the cases, seeking Closure backfires because it brings more questions than the ones you took to be answered.

 

In your case it worked and im happy for you.

NOw you can move forward without looking back.

 

Good luck!