Please I Need Advice! Any chance of getting her back?

[alfa713]

Girlfriend broke up with me and returned to an abusive boyfriend that has wrought her life with pain and agony. A little short background. I began dating a girl who had come straight out of a 6 year abusive relationship. By abusive, I mean both physically and mentally. She had 2 abortions; he physically beat her up; he sued her brothers and didn't tell her, after they learned what happened, and beat the hell out of him; forced his way into her Parent's house while she was there and trashed the place; and he also passed out a list to all of her ex-boyfriends telling them which ex-boyfriends she had sex with. To top it off, he's overweight, not the most attractive guy in the world, and has a dead end job.

 

During the three months we dated we had become extremely close; maybe because we graduated high school together, had a lot of the same interests, and our personalities seemed in perfect synch. When it came to the bedroom, things were only enhanced and the love making was very intense. We had taken things to the point of looking for a house and planning a marriage in the near future. Then Monday, out of nowhere, she broke it off, to return to this guy. As hard as it is to believe, I still love this girl and want her back. Please give me some input on how best to play this. Below is the final letter between us. After a 6 year horror of a relationship with him, I find it odd that she characterizes our two 10 minute phone conversations and my last 2 emails as harrasment. In none of these communications did I call her any derogatory names, I only expressed my shock that she would let a man that has caused her so much pain back into her life. This is her final letter to me. How should I proceed? Please, I desperately need advice.

 

I can't take this anymore and it's bordering on harassment. I have let you vent your anger, frustration and disappointment many times now. But I know it will never be enough to equal the pain I've caused you. I didn't plan any of this - it unfolded, as you say, while I was seeing all the things I worked so hard for with him. I never led you on - I wore my heart on my sleeve at all times, letting you know everytime I thought of him when we were together. And in the end, whether I got back with him or not, it was not fair to keep having such feelings for someone else while I was with you. So contrary to your put-down of me not being a strong person, worthy of any kind of respect from you, my leaving you was the strongest thing I could have ever done. I did it out of respect for you, because you deserve someone who will give you 110%. I was smart enough to realize that all the flip-flopping I was feeling and showing was not normal. I was trying and hoping that my thoughts of him still were just transitional and I would go away, but they didn't. I kept trying to convince myself that I could just "snap out of it" like you demanded. But I couldn't. And now no matter how soon the "invitable", that you so insultingly warn me of, comes - I will have lost you forever. If that's not strength of character then I must be a total phony. And maybe that will appease your sense of vengence for "using" you. You were used, but not intentionally. I have nothing but the utmost appreciation and gratitude for your kindness, generosity, and genuine caring for me. I will always remember how special you made me feel, but I was not secure. If I had feelings for him now, what would I have done after you proposed? I tried to give myself time to analyze all this, but you kept pushing me to not take the time because of your unspoken insecurities. So I gave it all up and went back to play out the dreams I was afraid to dream before I met you. I'm not sure what will happen, but I know now that if I don't make an attempt to have these dreams come true with him, I will always be wondering and hoping, no matter who I would be with in the future. Please do not call me at work. I can't express any more deeply how much I hate myself for hurting you. [i[/i]

[kalshane]

Wow bro. This woman is gone. She's doing you a favor by leaving and I'm afraid that you can't rescue her. She's gone. Heal and find someone else who's ready to live and love with you. Not someone who's resolved themselves to dying with some jerk. All you can do is just back off and let fate do it's work.

[SomeGuy112]

I'm really sorry man. It seems like she just wasn't sure about her feelings with hima nd when she realized that she had to make this decision about marriage it wouldn't be fair to you if she wasn't totally loyal to you. I respect that of her although I don't understand why she wants to go back to someone abusive. At any rate, Kalshane is right. Take your time to heal and move on. If you can stay good friends with her, that would be great, but it doesn't sound like she could bring herself to come back. At the same time I don't want you to lose hope

[angel607]

I feel this women does genuinely care for you, but she is doubting what she feels for both you and the guy she likes. She also seems angry at your contacting her and she is perceiving it as harrasment.

 

You need to cut contact straight away- if she loves you, she will come back. If she dosn't- then you have your pride.

 

Take Care.

[cassiana]

People who go back to aBUSIVE PARTNERS HAVE AT THE VERY LEAST SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES i would think. They can accept abuse better than they can accept kindness. Sometimes it springs from childhoods where the only time their parents acknowledged their existence was in a negative way. Thus abuse gets confused with attention and that attention is better than none. Good attention from a loving partner may come too late and may be impossible for them to handle and may feel undeserved. Or it may not be trusted. If every significant man in her life has abused her to date then she may feel that you will eventually be the same. The waiting for the inevitable cruelty might be more stressful than the cruekty itself. she may think shell be too soft to deal with it if it doesn't come soon. In the end she may feel its better the devil you know etc. These are just some ideas by me.

What this means for you is, as tragic as it is you can do nothing. Like an alcoholic she can only quit when she wants. Be supportive if shell let you but get on with your life. You cannot save her only she can do that.

[cleverme123]

Well, first of all I can tell you it has nothing to do with you. People in abusive relationships go back time and time again to get what they feel they "deserve". She puts up with the emotional and physical abuse because it became comfortable, she could much rather deal with someone beating her half senseless than she could with someone treating her with kindness and respect. It puts an emotional overload on someone that has been abused and the only way they can get out of dealing with love and caring is to go back to what they are use to abuse and pain. No matter what she says unless she goes to an organization like CASA or a battered womens group she will inevitably fall into the cycle. She is already gone, no matter what you do or say you can't bring her back. She ran because the feeling of love was too strong and she couldn't handle it.

 

Take it from someone who has walked a mile in those shoes....It took me 2 years to get out and almost 6 more to get better before getting into a relationship. And even now, I still am careful because it's so easy to fall into these people that do this.

[cleverme123]

95% of the women being abused are upscale, don't fit the part to say. I did my own web page on abuse and you are free to visit if you would like, maybe it will provide you with some more help link removed

 

She will start telling you how awful it is but she will still have no intention of leaving. It's venting a few good moments with you and she returns to be tortured, then back again to justify herself. It's a pattern, you can fall into it as well.

[cassiana]

He is messing with her and she is messing with you. Like Dog, Cat and mouse in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. As he emotionally abuses her she emotionally abuses you.

I had a friend once in a insecure relationship. She was getting me to do stuff for her and pity her because she had problems. When the problems were resolved I expected her to be there for me but she wasn't. Instead she invented a whole new set of problems so our old dynamic would continue to function. I felt used. I felt that she thrived on being as I called her "the professional waif". She never had to support a friend or go where she didn't want to, she could use her self made problem to get her out. I walked away and she found someone else to leech off. But i'm better for not having to deal with her. She had a million ways of manipulating me. Subtle ways and she was supposed to be my friend.

How can your ex dump you, tell you that you are harassing her and then ring you at the first sniff of a crisis? Why not call her ex? Shes back with this loser but is in effect cheating (or trying to) on him with you. She is being very selfish towards you. I think you should cut off contact. Shes either your girlfriend or not.

[kalshane]

Every thing happens for a reason. I hate using that cliche but it's true. These things are happening to show you something that you can learn from or not. You can't make any first moves here and I think that you know why. She may call you or she may not. Whatever happens have it first and foremost that you can be friends. This is your protection. I have a feeling that if you went out and started meeting other people, you may be enthralled in realizing that there are women out there without so much drama in their lives. You will see how incredible it is to be in a relationship with someone with good self esteem. For her protection, she shouldn't be with him. For your protection, she shouldn't be with you (at least for a while). What's best for both of you, I think, would let her be alone, not involved with anyone. Hopefully, she's coming to this realization herself.

[cassiana]

If you feel guilt at abandoning her stop. First of all she is an intelligent woman and she made her own decision.

Also you can still be her friend.

She is not the be all and end all, there are other women out there, probably better for you.

Likewise its possible that there are other men out there better equipped to deal with her and make her see the light so you needn't feel guily for finding your own happiness.