This ones gonna leave a mark

[Jhgrandon]

Ok World, I need help with this. My girlfriend of 4 years and fiance of 6 month(same person), just left me for another guy. She claims that since she moved from CA toAZ that I have not been there for her. This is True. Over the past 3 weeks(since she left), I have reviewed our whole relationship. I sell real estate during the day and I produce concerts at night. So 4-6 night a week I would be gone when she got home and I would not get home till late. I told her that I would quit the concerts as soon as real estate took off(which is happening now). Meanwhile to pay her bills she got a evening job at Roy @ desert Ridge. She started hanging out after work and then told me she developed feeling for this waiter. She told me he completes her sentences. She knows him 2 weeks. So we talk about this and she said she wants to quit that job and work on us. The next day she comes home, after talking to this waiter, and she says that we are done and she takes off her ring and went and rented a new place.

 

I know I love her and I know that I have not been there for her the way she need. I have done a ton of soul searching and I want to make it right. I saw her briefly last week and she had tears in her eyes and I can tell that she is in love with me. When we talk, she is fine one min, then she talks to this guy and then she becomes distance and almost mean. I need help. I want her back in my arms, I told her I will do whatever it takes. Ladies, How do I get her back. CAn you help me. No one will ever know how much I love this girl and I have seen the errors of my way. I'm mad that she left for another guy, but I 'm willing to work this out. Do you just fall out of love with someone after 4 years together? And the other question, this guy has to know it won't work being the rebound man. Please help me, I need her back, she is the love of my life.

[sonjam]

Jhgrandon, there is not foolproof way of dong this, sometimes they come back, and everything is fine, sometimes they come back, and everything falls appart, becouse you can't deal with the betrayal, and allas, sometimes they don't come back.

 

But there is a few point that is general rules to follow:

 

DON'T beg, plead and cry. Have dignity, tell her you are here for her if she wants to talk about your relationship, that you changed your ways, that you miss her, and if she wants to talk, you are prepared to listen. THAT's IT!

 

Girls loose respect for a guy who cries, and begs and pleads. I know. I left my husband, and the same thing happened. I did not want him back when he cried, begged and pleaded. BUT when he started to cut the contact with me, I kept on wondering what he's doing and if he's ok, then I saw him again and he looked Great. I wanted to go back, but in my case it was an abusive relationship, so I didn't. BUT his tactic almost worked!

 

In the mean time IMPROVE yourself and your life. This will give you a pet project to work on, re-arange the furniture, go to the gym, get a new haircut, etc. Look GOOD, she will not be able to resist you if she sees you.

 

The thing is, she has to realise she made a mistake and want to come back, not becouse you tell her to, but becouse she can see you are the more desirable option.

 

Hope this helps, and I do hope your get your girl back! The novelty will wear of, and she will see where she belongs.

[hockeyboy]

honestly the less you show her that you care, the more she will. if you are constantly there..she will just think she can do what she wants and then come back to you when and if she decides too.

 

i was dating a girl once for 4 years as well. one day she asked me about getting her a ring, the next day she left me. very similair circumstances. i was contantly there at first...and she just pushed me away.

 

but after i gave up and started moving on she would literally call me up crying. i was cold hearted towards her and it made her want me back. we tried..but it did not work. to much damage had already been done.

 

if you do get her back...i recommend posting on here again to get more advice on what to do from there on out..but till then...just let her go. you dont actually have to let her go, but at least fake it.

[kipster]

 

but after i gave up and started moving on she would literally call me up crying. i was cold hearted towards her and it made her want me back. we tried..but it did not work. to much damage had already been done.

 

if you do get her back...i recommend posting on here again to get more advice on what to do from there on out..but till then...just let her go. you dont actually have to let her go, but at least fake it.

 

I agree with this advice though its hard. I've been there as well, engaged, had the ring given back, etc. Its when you let go and finally say, "you know what, I lost this one....NEXT" that they make subtle efforts to find out about you. Funny thing is by then, you know in your heart that that person isn't for you. If they were, they would have never put you though that kind of anguish in the first place. Wish them well, go through the healing process, seek a Higher Power, and leave it with Him. Then move forward, no contact, no connection. If they come back and make an HONEST effort to step outside of their comfort zone and you still have feelings for them, then take it slow and go for it, but don't kid yourself by thinking there's anything more there than it is. Let them make all the effort, not you. And in the meantime DATE and IMMEDIATELY. I don't care if it kills you, DATE and the higher the caliber the better. And do it in public, hell in the places you two use to go if possible. Enjoy yourself, grow, meet new friends (I've sure met a dynamite friend that had I not broken up with my EX I'd have never had the honor and privledge of meeting--and she knows who She is ). So there's always a silver lining in every cloud and remember, before you can get to that proverbial 'rainbow' you have to go through some rain.

 

Kip

[Thedude]

The facts:

 

-She left you for someone she has known for a few weeks

-She is still in love with you

-You are still getting your career together

-you want her back

 

 

Tell you what. Call her up, ask her for dinner, and tell her you would like to talk to her. Take her out, and finalize things, make sure you do not leave that dinner unless you are clear on what she wnats. And to figure out what she wants, ask her point blank " [ Insert name] , what do you want?". If she says " I don't know what I want" (which I think she'll probably say) then you have to go into instant NC. Avoid her, get your career going. IGNORE her phone calls (if she calls). Let her discover this guy she is with, he will start to make mistakes soon. She could be just playing games with you. Just focus on yourself right now. And make sure that you show her that you are ok without her.

 

Keep us updated.

[kipster]

I hear what you're suggesting dude, but honestly what can going to dinner with her tell him that he doesn't already know? In her mind it is already 'finalized', if it weren't he wouldn't be on this site. It doesn't matter what she 'says' anyways, her behavior is already telling him what he needs to know. A woman that wants you, isn't non-commital or skittish. And hell, she's WITH SOMEONE ELSE. That's all I would need to know (and that would hurt like hell to find out I might add) but, hey if that's not telling you where you stand, I don't know what is. Move on, and if she comes back and YOU CHOOSE to give her a shot, so be it. But I just don't see what some 'finalization dinner' could tell him now that he doesn't already know. I'm not knocking your advice, only asking for what further clarity it adds to his sitch...

 

Kip

[Thedude]

I hear what you're suggesting dude, but honestly what can going to dinner with her tell him that he doesn't already know? In her min it is already 'finalized', if it weren't he wouldn't be on this site. It doesn't matter what she 'says' anyways, her behavior is already telling him what he needs to know. A woman that wants you, isn't non-commital or skittish. And hell, she's WITH SOMEONE ELSE. That's all I would need to know (and that would hurt like hell to find out I might add) but, hey if that's not telling you where you stand, I don't know what is. Move on, and if she comes back and YOU CHOOSE to give her a shot, so be it. But I just don't see what some 'finalization dinner' could tell him now that he doesn't already know. I'm not knocking your advice, only asking for what further clarity it adds to his sitch...

 

Kip

 

Well what I was aiming at was closure. Human beings long for closure. I would get closure from her, end things and move on. Right now it just doesn't seem that he or she are being honest with each other.

[kipster]

The Dude

 

Well what I was aiming at was closure. Human beings long for closure. I would get closure from her, end things and move on. Right now it just doesn't seem that he or she are being honest with each other.

 

I see, you believe that closure would make it easier for him. I can receive that. I guess the dishonesty is what has me the most concerned and why I would rely on what she does as opposed to what she says at this point. That's just me. I think that dinner would be PAINFUL and wouldn't make life any easier, just more uncomfortable (take it from me, I did that with my Ex at a breakfast that SUCKED and hurt me even more). At this point, preserving your heart from any further pain should be paramount. It already hurts enough than to add insult to injury by someone telling you what you already knew. And most times, the dumper doesn't even know WHY they're dumping you (I've seen this particularly in cases where I've been dumped by a woman) it just FEELS bad at the time. I'm not saying those feelings are invalid or that women aren't entitled to them, because you are and they are real and of substance. I'm just saying that you may not even get the clear cut answer that you're looking for based on the EX not even having a single reason for doing so. And its like when Men ask a woman how many men they've slept with KNOWING that they (as jack nicholson said so eloquently) 'CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH' and that ANY NUMBER WILL BE TOO MANY (outside of Zero--which is unlikely unless you date in a maternity ward). Anyways, what ever reason she give for breaking up with you won't be enough to most men to warrant the break-up, so why not spare yourself the heartbreak and additional agony, but just getting an early start on dating someone else? That way you use your time productively....[/i]

[Jhgrandon]

Ok I stopped calling Rachelle. She call me every morning and we talk on her way to work. My question is that if she is happy with that waiter and she is not in love with me, then why is she calling. I think she is in love with me and she is afraid to put her guard down. I have ask her to dinner and she says"it is not a good idea". She told me that she was happy that we could be friends. I can't be her friend in that way and if she really feels that way then she is amoron to think she can leave me and then we can be friends. I kinda think she wants to work it out, but she is scared. Tell me what you all think. Also should I tell her straight up that I can not be her friend at this time? She refuses to talk about the relationship but she thinks we are friends. This is crap. It is either going to be together or nothing. Is this a bad attitude?

 

Thanks for your help. I know God knows the plan.

 

JAson

[ebola316]

Tell her that! Tell her it's too painful for you to be her friend right now. and then just stop answering her calls. Don't call her either. If she wants you back, she knows how to leave a message saying that.

 

Each phone call and contact is setting you back. The only way to start to feel better is not to talk to them until they make a decision.

 

You are going to get used to these phone calls, and come to rely on them, and if they stop [which they might, if she gets more into her waiter] , then your gonna be double-dumped, when they stop.

 

For now, just have no contact with her and see what happens for a while.

[kipster]

Tell her that! Tell her it's too painful for you to be her friend right now. and then just stop answering her calls. Don't call her either. If she wants you back, she knows how to leave a message saying that.

 

Each phone call and contact is setting you back. The only way to start to feel better is not to talk to them until they make a decision.

 

You are going to get used to these phone calls, and come to rely on them, and if they stop [which they might, if she gets more into her waiter] , then your gonna be double-dumped, when they stop.

 

For now, just have no contact with her and see what happens for a while.

 

Excellent Advice. Don't take any of the calls. If she comes back to you, she'll have to work to make it so. She's doesn't 'still love you' trust me. If she did, why on earth would she be with the waiter? Again, focus on what she DOES not what she SAYS. A woman that loves you isn't with another guy, she'd be WITH YOU. Realize, that the more you answer that phone when she's telling you all she wants is to be friends (believe me, when women tell you this they mean it--just read these boards for a review), the more any subsequent pain that you feel is your own fault and not hers. I hope you understand that. Now you're not naive anymore, you've been forewarned that she doesn't see you ANYMORE as a love interest. In the future? Who knows? But as for now or in the NEAR FUTURE the answer is no.

 

And to answer the other question of how she could 'leave you and think that you want to be friends", that's how many dumpers operate. Just look at that patterns on the boards. They tend to feel guilty after dumping you which is eased by them still rationalizing to themselves that you are a friend. This way, it eases their guilt since they reason, "well I'm really not the bad guy/girl, look we're still friends and he/she accepts that". Meanwhile, you're asking yourself, how on earth does this person act this way toward me and not know they're hurting me? Answer is, they genuinely don't see it because you in the 'friend' category. Don't do this to yourself, extract yourself from the situation. I know its hard, I've done it. It SUCKS. But, as the prior poster said, if you don't the your own proverbial 'blood' will be on your hands, not hers. She's TELLING YOU and SHOWING YOU that she no longer desires you. I know it hurts, but that's the reality of it. The sooner you come to grips with that the sooner you can recover. But if you delude yourself into believe that she still 'loves you' because she calls you, I think you're setting yourself up--BIG TIME. Take your life back and stop answering her calls. Plus, ask yourself this...Do you really want a woman that could dump you, date another man and still communicate with an EX for your woman? Just think, since behavior tends to be consistent, while you were dating her was she still communicating with the EX before you? And if so, is that the woman you want? Seriously give these questions some thought....