Pushed too much now it's over, thoughts?

[Trick1004]

I'm about five weeks into the breakup and am realizing it happened because over the last few months of the relationship I withdrew (pushed) too much away from her. I love her to death but the circumstances of our relationship became too much for me to handle and I started to detach from her.

 

Two years ago we moved about an hour away from where we met. She was going to finish school but continue working at the bar an hour away on the weekends. I knew the situation and wanted to give it chance thinking I could handle it but after two years of her not being around on the weekend (when I had free time to spend with her) it started eating away at me and I became depressed and started withdrawing from her.

 

The worst part for me is that it wasn't anything like my job, or family issues that I could talk to her about. It was her being away working on the weekends while she finished school, which was the best for her. I tried to be supportive and a couple of months ago she quit her job and found a new one in town, things were good for a couple of weeks then there was a death of one her close friends at the place she used to work at and she went back to her old job on the weekend an hour away to help out. I tried to be supportive of the situation but really couldn't handle it and just withdrew. I brought it up a couple of times and she got defensive so I just let it go.

 

A lot of what I've read here advocates no contact. I've been using it off and on to great success so far and am getting over the breakup, but it seems to work best for dumpee's that have been needy and begging for a second chance. I have not done that and realize she broke up with me because I pushed her away.

 

I'm wondering if there is another way besides no contact to get into a good place of mind as a pusher dumpee, thoughts?

[sharky988]

I think the purpose of going NC is to give yourself the time and space to recover from the breakup, regardless of the cause.

 

It's healthy that you've got perspective on the situation and are willing to own up to your part in it. Unless you want to get back together, I don't really know of anything else you need to do at this point other than give it time. Five weeks is still early days and if there's been some contact since the breakup it's probably hitting you much harder now that there's no more contact.

[Trick1004]

Ya that is what I've been using NC for. I realize that for now this relationship is over but remain open to the possibility of giving it another shot. We are both open to meeting and talking at some point down the road and she has left it to me to decide when that will be. I am still not in a place emotionally to do that anytime soon and will not arrange to meet until I can be completely objective about the situation.

 

I guess regardless of whether you were too needy or withdrew too much NC is the quickest way to heal.

 

Thanks for input.

 

Trick

[Stay_home]

Eventually you've just got to be strong enough to let this relationship go and move on. All this is doing is creating a false foresight that eventually you'll be together again. Right now that doesn't seem as if it'll happen.

[sharky988]

^^ I agree.

 

Leaving things open that way makes it harder for you to REALLY move on.... while making it easier for your ex, because she's always got that safety net and never has to face the hard fact that you're GONE for good.

[Trick1004]

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

 

You might be right but I don't feel like I'm having any false foresight of getting back together. I've accepted that this relationship with her was done on the night of the breakup. I quickly removed myself from seeing or talking to her without any of the usual begging or pleading to give it another shot. I am moving on and won't arrange to meet her until I have fully moved on, which is why I've decided not to meet with her since the breakup. I guess at that point I might not want to be with her anyway. With that being said I remain open to a possible second shot given that she has made changes and I have reached a point where I am fine with her out of my life for good.

 

I already recognize that while I still want her in my life, I don't need her in my life. It's been five and a half weeks now and every day the sun still rises, I'm still alive, and it's getting easier to drag myself out of bed and go to work and recapture what I was before her.

 

The last couple of months we were together my face got really flaky around my eyebrows. After we broke up that just disappeared. I keep looking at that, your body doesn't lie. At the time I don't think I realized just how stressed out I was but definitely see it now. Despite the hurt of being dumped I am in general feeling less stressed about everything.

 

Meeting her at some point in the future and being open to another relationship with her isn't giving me false hopes. If it happens, it will be when and because I want it to after I've gotten past this relationship with her.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts.

 

Trick