what does this mean?

[helpneeded]

there's about 18 years difference between us. shes a very genuine person and doesn't like to lie. we've known each other for years and i've always loved her but always kept it low profile and she did too. but about 3 months ago i realised she felt the same too as she came on to me. everything was brill. altho i've always previously only been with guys, this didn't bother me cos i knew my feelings were real.

 

so we talked on the fone all the time, hours and hours. we'd be txting about 30 times a day, everything was perfect. she told me she loves me, misses me etc etc and so did i.

 

however, she later TOLD me that she was actually already with someone and she tried breaking up with her even before anything happened with me. i was in so much shock, i was heartbroken. but the feelings were too strong and i stupidly accepted it. she devoted all her time 2 me, i just don't know how she would have had time for the other person.

 

she later told her other half that she loves me, they've had lots of arguments over me. the other woman has been extremely jealous too. but the problem is till this day.......me and the woman, even tho we know we're being two-timed....we're still letting it happen.

it's causing me alot of pain, but i know deep down, all 3 of us r in pain.

 

i know i should move on......and i'm trying to but its hard cos we were friends and she still rings me every night so its a bit hard to get over her but i'm afraid 2 tell her not 2 call me....cos deep down i want her to.

 

i just don't understand y she can't choose. i know our age is a problem, our distance is a problem and the fact that she feels guilty and also cos she knows my family so well.

 

its putting a strain on my whole life, and especially on my feelings for others and meeting new people. i don't even look at guys anymore cos i know i love her.

[sonjam]

 

 

I don't know what to say. What comes to mind is the following:

 

Does she really really love you?

 

I guess then she would have to choose. You have to hold your breath and make her choose. I know this must be the hardest thing you have ever done, and would probably not do this, for fear of losing her if she does not choose you, but think of the flipside.

 

This can carry on for a long time, and what if the other girl decides to leave, then you will pretty much be "second best" since she could not choose you OVER HER

 

If you make her choose, and she chooses you, then you win your love, and you can go on with your life.

 

IF not

 

then your heart breaks (pretty much were you are now anyway) and you grieve for the lost love, we help you, and you get up again, to a new day and new possibilities, male or female.

 

Don't just be strung along becouse she can't choose, you deserve to be no 1, to have the best.

 

Does that make any sense? Just my 0.2cents.....

[helpneeded]

hey yeah that does make sense, thx 4 ur reply.....

 

does she really really love me??? she has told me again and again that shes loved me for a very long time and its a very special kind of love and she knows wot she feels 4 me, and her feeling guilty has nothing 2 do with her love 4 me......

 

but questions which have occurred 2 me r......

if she loved her partner that much, she wouldn't have cheated on her and done what she has done

but if she loved me, she would have left the other person surely.

 

and neither has taken place so its bit messed up.

 

it just doesn't seem right 4 her not 2 choose me when our feelings r mutual just cos of my family, our age and the fact that i haven't loved a female before.

 

it's just crazy how both me and the other woman r both still holding on.......but for what??!

[sonjam]

I suppose there could be an element of unsurity for her, with this being your first relationship with a woman, maybe she's a bit unsure if you will actually stay with her, if she makes the sacrifice to dump the other girl. She must be wondering if this will last. Have you guys been intimate? That would help in her believing you....

[helpneeded]

well yeah she seemed really insecure cos she just didn't seem to believe it was true, that i felt the same about her. she thought i wouldn't last a month, but i've already proven her wrong.

we haven't had sex but she did ask whether i'd sleep with her and i told her i would but only if our relationship was just me and her i.e. if she ever leaves her partner.

she kept asking y i would love her, y i chose her etc cos i could have anyone.....but at the same time, i'm thinking the same about her too.

i mean i wouldn't have put myself through all this for so long and all the pain just for fun or if i wasn't serious.....but i guess maybe that's still not enough!

[sonjam]

it is obvious to me that she does not want to leave the comfort of her current relationship and take the plunge, into the unknown with you....

 

*sigh* What do you think you could do to convince her of your intentions.

 

But also, after all this two-timing, should you guys get together, would you not worry that she would do the same to you that she's doing to her current gf?

[helpneeded]

but she can't just carry on with her current gf if she knows deep down that she truly loves me. and i don't know y she doesn't trust or believe me cos we've known each other for so many years and we're both such genuine people.

i guess its cos i'm so young but surely she should have thought clearly bout all this b4 plunging in2 things with me........

and wots the point of staying with her gf if they keep having arguments every week over me?? surely thats a sign that there r problems. and her gf has also told her that she can't stop her from loving someone else......so y won't she leave her? arghhhhhh, so frustrating.

[helpneeded]

actually if she was with me, the last thing i'd be worried bout is her two-timing cos i don't think she would. it's only cos she was already with her gf.......and shes tried splitting up before but it never worked. i think she mentioned something like 'what do u want me to do if she'll kill herself'.......but please....thats such a lame excuse, and how many people in this world would REALLY kill themselves for u when they have children, and my ex used to be suicidal, yet i had the courage to leave him.