What are his intentions?

[Sirenia]

Help! I need some advice.

 

I met this guy online and we went out for a date on Sunday.

I think we got along very well, we had lots to talk about, there was chemistry (at least on my part)...

We had a drink (he paid) and then we had simple dinner (I offered to pay my part and he let me).. all up we spent about 2.5 hours together.

He walked me home and said that he'd like to see me again.

 

The next day he emailed me saying that he had a nice time and talked about random stuff and then said he'd like to invite me to go somewhere together over the weekend. I told him I couldn't as I already had plans but would be happy to do it another weekend. And then he said what about tonight then? (meaning that night) and I said I couldn't either as I already had plans and then he asked about Friday night (tonight) and I said OK (since I was free).

 

From our one date and our long email conversations I do feel that we have a lot in common and I do really like him but I'm having problems reading his intentions mainly because...

 

He didn't offer to pay for my dinner (it wasn't very expensive) and I don't like that, especially on a first date.

I gave him my number but he has never called or texted, only emailed.

 

Now we've arranged our second date for tonight and he's chosen the same place (boring much?) without a plan or anything. When I say 'place' it's literally just a place, it's not a cafe, bar or restaurant or anything. So from that I'm quite disappointed. But the worst thing is in his email he made a joke (in a roundabout not-so-obvious way) about sex.. not about him and I, but about the topic. It makes me wonder is that the only thing on his mind?

 

I don't want to make the same mistake I did last time with my ex, in that we just 'hung out' and never properly dated... I'd prefer to be dated and courted and eat in a proper restaurant for a change.

 

So what should I do? How should I reply? (given the second 'date' is tonight)... Thanks! I don't want to sound naggy or bossy so early on in the scheme of things but I don't want to be walked all over either... how to strike a fair balance? I just can't read him because on one hand he seems to be coming on strong but on the other he seems to be taking things casually...

 

Thanks!

[cynicalreject]

i have never been good with people so take anything i say with a grain of salt.

 

i don't know about him, but i am terrified of messing up good things i have. if i am trying to connect with someone and an activity/ place works, i will probably try to keep doing that. he might just be hiding behind the one thing he knows works... i know i probably would. as far as what he is expecting? no idea. sorry, i don't know how people think. i know i would not expect sex, but that is just me. i know everyone is different. i am a firm believer that all things can be resolved with a good conversation between relevant parties. if i want to know something about someone, i usually have to ask. i don't know if this is a thing that is done, but you might try asking him casually some time into your date (i think it would be forward to ask immediately...) what his plans are for your relationship and explain yours. feel free to reach a compromise, but don't do something you are not ready for just because he wants to.

 

wish you the best of luck. hope my advice was helpful

[Reflective82]

I think proceed with caution....accepting your offer to split the bill and then taking you to the same place again smacks of no effort to me and not trying to impress. The joke about sex could be showing his intentions but equally it could just be a joke. You're not losing anything by exploring where this can go, but just do not sleep with him, and if the subject comes up just say that you don't sleep with someone unless you are in a relationship....I wouldn't start telling him where you want to go, let him lead and you can sit back and observe...

[Sirenia]

Thanks for both of your advice.

 

I don't get a sense at all that he's a player or just trying to get me into bed (because I've been with those smooth types). He didn't touch me at all or try to kiss me during our first date, except a playful tap on my knee when he made a joke about something. I don't sleep with people early anyway so that is not a problem for me at all.

 

I know he wants a relationship (afterall, what he wrote on his profile was very long and serious-sounding, which is what I'm after (a serious relationship)) but I'm still sitting on the fence due to lack of effort and wanting to impress.. but yet the asking me out for a weekend away (so early on) also seems very keen but also a bit strange, no?

 

I'm totally confused!

[Roadkill]

Sirenia,

 

With all due respect you are way, way, over thinking this. So you went dutch on your first date...that's not a big deal and it was the first time you were meeting. And so he invited you back to the same place, well, yea, that's lack of imagination but is that such a big deal to you? So he made a joke about sex and you make it seem like he has these alteriour motives right off the bat. Really? This is your second date so just go get to know him and stop trying to over think a first date where he did not even kiss you.

 

Have you tried calling or texting him? So he hasn't called or txt you, but why have you not done that with him? Maybe email is just easier for him, who knows. He's probably not THE guy, but give it a chance.

[Perplexingana]

I think be cautious, go out with him again even if it's to the same place. Ask where else he like to go on dates or in general while you are conversing see if anything he says interests you and suggest that maybe next ine we should go to ----- wherever intersts you, that is if you actually feel like there is still a connection this time. Tell him about restaurants you enjoy or things you like to do and just say we should go here, that's what I would do. I would also not offer to pay this time if that bothered you last time. If he asks you to pay then maybe that should be a red flag, if that is a big deal and you pay again then don't see him again. I usually don't mention the bill and see what happens.

[Deciduous]

Hello Sweetie,

 

I think the issue is - you are judging this new relationship through the lens of your old relationship. There is a fair amount baggage (which we all have) but you are rapidly unpacking it into this new relationship - without taking a breath.

 

And that is a problem. There is an issue of trust here. When we move too quickly into a new romantic scenario, we find it difficult to separate the past from the present. Particularly if adequete healing hasn't taken place.

 

Sometimes we can stop this transferrence from happening, simply by acknowledging that we are doing it. On other occasions, we need a little more time to heal and strengthen our trust muscle. There is a trust issue here. And it is on your side.

 

One question, how long ago did the last relationship end? I realise that you were very disappointed and deeply hurt that the relationship did not progress - but that is to do with the ex.

 

Its normal to feel nervous about a new relationship. It is normal to try and find out what the other person is like before getting in too deep. But you are expecting this new chap to read your mind.

 

The reason why he is taking you to the same restuarant again, is because it produced a positive experience the first time. To him it makes logical sense. He doesn't want to take a risk on an unknown venue. Men and women think very differently. He's going with tried and tested. You are going with romance.

 

If you want to go to a new place, gently suggest that you have heard good things about, blah, blah! That way he doesn't need to take the rap for a failed venue and will undoubtedly feel more comfortable about the change in location.

 

Do you see where I am coming from? These aren't massive problems and these aren't massive red flags. They only appear to be because are being viewed through the lens of your last relationship.

 

Again, I must re-iterate, this man is not psychic and most certainly is not perfect. Having read your post, it seems to me that this chap is putting his best foot forward, but is having to fight against the spector of your ex-boyfriend and the negative baggage that he brings up.

 

I think that you need to make a decision.

 

Either cut down the weeds of the old relationship and see this new scenario for what it is - or decide that it is wayyy to early to put your trust in a new man. And there is nothing wrong with that. Emotional maturity is a great quality, and part of that maturity is knowing what you need at the moment emotionally to move forward in a healthy way.

 

All the best to you and good luck

 

Deciduous

[Sirenia]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

Deciduous - your advice was particularly insightful. Perhaps you are right. But in this case I don't think it's my last ex, but more ALL my exes and past relationships in general... I'm just so afraid or getting hurt or making a mistake again.. so I'm very very cautious. Again you're probably right - it may be a trust issue. I'm also scared of 'wasting time' if it's the wrong person so I'm pre-judging him a bit.

 

My last relationship was over 6 months ago so long enough I think. I mean I think of him from time to time but there's no way a long-term thing could've worked out between us.

[Heather Dawn]

Whatever happened with this?

 

The going Dutch thing is eh...I also liked first dates to be paid for by the guy (when I was single). But the bigger turn off is taking you to the same place for the second date. That just seems odd to me. Why isn't he trying to impress you more by keeping things interesting when it will only be your second date? Going to the same place is fine when you're an established couple, but it smacks of laziness and other things for a second date.