Help! I'm insanely attracted to a married guy at work!

[Beachgirl11]

I started a job about 4 months ago, and there is this guy who is 10 years younger than I am that is very flirtatious. This guy is married, so I must admit it the attention is somewhat flattering because he is so much younger than I am, plus he has already decided who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't think that there is anything wrong with a little harmless flirtation. Most of it is the "goofing" around kind.....pokes in the side, joking around etc. However, some of it has crossed into an area where it has left me a little confused. For instance, the other day, he pinched me on my behind! Also, the other day, he made it clear that he finds me physically attractive because he called me a "hottie" in front of two other guys while I was standing there. However, I also find it a little confusing because he has told me some pretty personal things about himself. And......two days in a row, he ran his fingers down my cheek. (To me that is more of an intimate gesture.......not light flirting).

 

I have already decided long ago that I would never get involved with someone who is married. There have been a few other cases where married men have hit on me, but I have never responded to them. I have never been married myself, and yet I realize that if I am married someday, I would not want some woman to mess around with my husband. The hurt would be too great. thereforeeee, I don't have it in me to knowingly do that to another woman.

 

The problem is, I was not really attracted to the other married men who had made advances toward me. I am really attracted to this guy. I feel connected to him on some level.

 

He acts like he has a great marriage......I should hope so, he's only been married a year and a half! They don't have any kids yet either.

 

I guess I'm just confused about what his actions mean. And......I'm wondering if he would take it any further if he had the chance to be alone with me. AGAIN......I would have a very difficult time resisting him, but, I think I could do it. I guess the only thing I could tell him if I was in a situation where he made advances towards me is to tell him to call me if he ever gets divorced, and put a stop to it right then and there.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks........

[Francis]

I am sorry to say that the fact that he pinched you means clearly that this guy has ABSOLUTELY no interest in you. I don't think any normal man would do that to a woman he respects, he admires, he wants to have a serious relationship with.

 

He is simply disrespecting you big time and you are falling in his trap because he is so much younger and probably good looking.

 

There could be other reasons why he is acting this way : OFFICE POLITICS. If you are his boss or have more power than him, he would want to suck up in a sexual way to obtain material favours. If you are at his same level, he could act this way to destroy you emotionally and prevent you from competing with him. If you are neither of the above, then may just want to use you sexually : he knows you are single and probably he feels you are vulnerable, which you obviously are.

 

I advice you to stay away from him. He is NOT interested in you whatsoever. Be careful and look for someone who can really love you.

[angelicshadow]

Well, I would not say that he has no interest at all, the touching your cheeks is intimate. But all the same stay clear of him.

[Francis]

I believe this guy has no SERIOUS interest. He may have an interest, but not a good one. I wish we could get some feedback from some guys here.

[angelicshadow]

Yes, a male opinion would be good.

[Beachgirl11]

You were right about a few things. First of all, he is good looking, and I'm sure he knows it. My nickname for him (to my friend, not to his face, is cutie pie flirty guy). And, yes, he does know that I'm single and he probably senses that I'm vulnerable. But, like I said, he has revealed some personal vulnerable things about himself to me when it's just the two of us in the office talking.

 

Yes, he has admitted that he has slept with "many women", even women hit on him now even though he is married. I honestly don't believe up to this point that he has cheated on his wife......like I said, he's only been married 1 1/2 years. But, he has also admitted to having flings with married women when he was single. He claims he used to have no respect for women, but acts like he does now.

 

I failed to mention that we are in the same position at work, so no, it is not a power play or office politics. You have to understand his personality to get the "pinch". He is just a playful guy. He is a self-admitted "goofball". I work with 98% guys. Actually, I think he does respect me. The other day he was telling someone that "she's one of the guys". I honestly get the feeling that he's comfortable talking to me.

 

I hope I have explained the situation a little better.

[Recovering_Lover]

I don't know about the respect thing. Becoz, different cultures interpret things differently.

 

But, I can tell you that he is definitely up to no good. Remember, people will say anything to get you into bed, if thats what their motive is.

 

He is definitely playing you. I would suggest you keep away from him. Its good to poke fun and all, but he is just slowly increasing the level of intimacy and I am sure, he would try to bed you one day. Its his nature.

 

Also, you are vunerable, he is telling you everything that you want to hear, so that you lose your inhibitions.

 

This is my opinion. Don't get sucked up by him. You are only going to get hurt and you're going to hurt the other woman.

 

 

You decide if you want to get into a Mess.

 

Take care.

 

R.L.

[sisterlynch]

I think that you should get him alone and see how he behaves. I would tell him that you have no interest in him other than a friendship and that he is making you uncomfortable with the inappropriate touching.

 

Other than the touching, flirting with him is ok, but the more you are touched and do nothing, the easier it will be to push it up a level to kissing etc.

 

Be serious with him and see how he reacts.

[Beachgirl11]

Well, I appreciate the response from Switch187 (guys point of view). But, I agree with Recovering Lover that he is trying to push up the level of intimacy. I have already tried to create a situation for us to be "alone" out of the office to see what he would say or do (sisterlynch's suggestion). At first he was going to meet me, then he backed out. Quite honestly, I think he backed out because he was afraid something would happen. (Like I said, I don't think he's cheated on his wife at this point). But, he still continues pushing the intimate gestures (like I said, the latest thing was running his fingers down my cheek 2 days in a row). I am really curious what he would say or do if he was alone with me outside the office. It would be EXTREMELY difficult because I am attracted to him, but I think I could restrain myself.

 

The situation would actually be to his advantage if he was thinking about having an affair, because he lives an hour away, and comes to work in the city I live in and work in. Our job has so much flexibility that we spend very little time in the office. (Job is out in the field).

 

Actually, we do the same thing, however, he now goes in on opposite days that I do. But........he has come in 4 days now that I go in on, and one day I was joking around and said "we're blessed with your presense today!" and he said "you should be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels". This guy was standing there and overheard us and said "he only came in to see you." (the guy who said this has somewhat dry humor).

 

I don't know!!!!! Everybody's advice and comments are GREATLY appreciated though!

[Amethyst]

I'm wondering why it matters to you if he would be willing to take things further. You've already said that you would never go for a married man because you wouldn't want someone to make a play for *your* [future] husband. Are you backtracking on your statement?

 

It's situations like these that really test what we are made of. If you are really strong in your convictions, then you won't allow this guy to sway you.

 

My advice? You've admitted that you have a weakness where he's concerned; so, you KNOW that weakness is there. Now, you need to accommodate it. Ever heard the saying "flee from temptation"? Being alone with him is the absolutely WORST thing you could do! I know that you *have* to be around him (because you work together), but you don't *have* to be so friendly with him. If you REALLY don't want this thing to go further, then it's time to act in a more professional manner and treat him as you would any other co-worker. Easier said than done? Yes. But, if you're serious about not wanting to infringe on a marriage, you'll make the effort.

[Recovering_Lover]

Beachgirl,

 

I'm a guy too. My question is what do you want to come out of this?

 

You seem so eager to be with him?

 

If all you want is a friendship, then set a boundary and tell him like sister-lynch said. So there is no mis-understanding and everything is settle.

 

You say, you cna control, but no one really can control their emotions when they are at a ssituation that they diesire so much.

 

If you want more, go for it....BUT you're gonna get hurt big time and you'll end up the losing party. At the same time, you'll be breaking up a marriage.

 

My two cents.

 

R.L.

[sisterlynch]

I think that you need to be more assertive in doing the right thing, then see how he responds. You can't be with a married guy because it would make you and him feel terrible. Sure it seems like a great idea, but you could never do that to another woman...I know it!!

 

Just tell him to knock it off...you have to for your own piece of mind...he has no right to touch you, common, what are you thinking?

[Amethyst]

Just tell him to knock it off...you have to for your own piece of mind...he has no right to touch you, common, what are you thinking?

 

Precisely!

[Beachgirl11]

You all are right. I don't want to get into some "mess" with a married guy. I haven't had sex in almost 5 years (way too long of a story to go into......topic maybe for another discussion). I've already decided the next time I do, it will be with someone I'm in a happy healthy relationship with......not a one time fling or an affair with a married guy. Because whoever I do have sex with next, I know I will have a VERY strong emotional attachment to, because it will be very meaningful to me.

 

As far as telling him to knock off the touching......it's happened so many times now........I'm not quite sure what way I could go about telling him to knock it off. Most of it's harmless........with the exception of the 2 instances I've mentioned (pinching the butt, and fingers on the face). I probably would do it in a lighthearted way like "knock off the cutie pie flirty guy stuff", because I do value his friendship. It's just that he's the one doing and revealing intimate things about himself that probably would not be considered appropriate for a married guy to do with another female other than his wife.

 

I guess that's what has me confused. But then again, maybe he just feels really comfortable around me. His best friend (who passed away) was female. She had the same name I do. Maybe he's looking for a replacement female best friend. (And no, she was just a friend.........he never had sexual relations with her).

 

Thank you again for all of your wonderful advice!

[sisterlynch]

I think that you just need to get to know him better. I really don't think that he would want to cheat...what is he revealing, anyways? Stuff about her?

[Beachgirl11]

Well, like the very first time we were talking together alone, he was talking about how he grew up in a not-so-nice part of town. Anyways, he was talking about how he joined a gang when he was in fifth grade, and how it was not acceptable to be a virgin, so he lost his virginity when he was in fifth grade. (I was like "Oh my God....fifth grade?"). He was just saying how the whole thing was just awful. He told me how he used to get in trouble with the law, and his partying ways. He tells me personal things about himself.

 

Rarely does he bring up his wife. JExcept.......the other day he showed me some text message on his phone from his wife that said something like "I know you love me, you don't have to tell me that". And he said he had to call his "sexy wife".

 

Like I said, he rarely brings up anything about his wife. But when he does it's how she's "hot" or "amazing".

 

One time he did bring up about how he and his wife were fighting all night . He said this in front of me and one of the other few females who work in our office. (It was over something stupid and petty)

 

I asked him what his wife would think about the pinching the butt thing. He said, first she would kick my butt, then his. (I was like, "why would she do anything to me? I didn't do anything!").

 

He's the one that's occasionally touching me in some way. Plus, he has egged me on a few times to touch him: feel the knot on his back from a pinched nerve, or to feel how short his buzz cut is (run my fingers through his hair), or feel his goatee.

[Beachgirl11]

What happened to Switch187's post? Why was it deleted?

 

I talked to a friend this morning who knows the entire situation.......She gave me some words of advice. She said that the adult thing would be to say "I know your flirting is harmless because you are married", (maybe throw in something about how it's just his personality), and say "but, it's tempting me, so, you've got to stop" and, "I need to get in a normal happy relationship with someone". "So, basically stop the 'cutie pie flirty guy' stuff".

[avman]

What happened to Switch187's post? Why was it deleted?

 

That post was deleted for inappropriate language.

[sisterlynch]

I know that this is a lot of fun for you and it is giving you a boost of self esteem, but I feel that you are playing with fire and it is only going to make it seem like you are playing hard to get with the guy.

 

I think that you need to distance yourself and make it seem like you are avoiding him for a while until he loses a little of the steam himself.

 

You can say those words to him and it may actually work if you mean it, but something tells me that you don't want him to cool it and you need to get him to back off some other way.

 

This guy isn't your man is he? He is someone's husband and I think that you owe the other lady an ounce of respect, don't you??