Can a person be your friend if they have moved on and you

[Marketa]

Haven't?

I was sort of broken up with my on and off love of 10 years. I know it sounds crazy but when we were on a break I never found anyone else to make me feel the way he did and usually got disapointed. Any way he had a child before we started dating and in August when we had our usual break up he started seeing the childs mum and now he has moved in with her. I know its over between us but when we were on a break we still talked but dated other people so now we are back to that but the fact that he lives with someone after all the time we spent together makes me wonder if I should still have contact with him. We always did when we would break up and decide we should only be friends because we werent going to be together forever but after 10 years I guess I hoped one day it would fall into place. Now him living with his child and Mum I know that is not going to happen. He said he needs to think of the kid and not him self but I feel very sad.

 

That's the thing I guess I just feel so sad and like its so final. I know if after 10 years we never even lived together I know in the back of my mind it wasn't going to last but I never wanted it to end. I feel heart broken but in the same time I feel I have no right to feel this cause I always knew the deal. I just miss the special times we spent together and wonder if I should just still be his friend and accept the new friendship that has only changed by us not sleeping together or just go away. I had NC for a month so he could decide what he wanted to do with his life and that is when he decided to move in. During that time I missed talking to him. I guess he had to move on with his life so I could do it with mine and I always knew that but if I dont talk to him I just feel like I'm hurting myself.

 

Do you think we can still be friends and just get on with our lives. I was close to him and over the years he has been there for me and I would hate to lose that.

 

Advise please and thanks for listening.

 

Marketa

[parkersoups]

I am going through a similar situation, but mine is only 2.5 years and no child. The adivce that I have gotten is to not give up the friendship that you have since a good friendship is hard to find. I don't like hearing about her new relationship, but I know that if she was ever to make a choice it would be our friendship over her current relationship so that keep me going, I guess. I know this isn't really an answer, but I hope it helps that someone is listening to you and trying to help.

[Cryssi]

This is a complicated situation, I admit, but still not desperate.

 

I can't imagine how it must hurt to lose someone you've loved for 10 years. But maybe the fact that the relationship wasn't that deep to begin with is a sign that you were too attached to him.

 

This is my opinion...

 

You need your time to get over him. Keep contact with him if it makes you feel better. If it hurts and leaves you wounded and crying, then limit that contact. Spend some days on your own, do activities you like to do, hang out with friends... If you meet new people, don't compare them. Nobody's alike, and the new guys won't do the same as your old one did, but they'll do new things, and even better.

 

That is, if you leave them the chance to.

 

Your relationship is done, and the next step is to put it behind you... Take the time you can, but don't refuse help. You're not alone, I guess this is what this forum is about. People live the same situations, you have friends who can hug you and tell you everything's gonna be okay.

 

Don't forget that, okay?

[Marketa]

I guess I was never really honest with myself about what I wanted from him. I knew the love was there but I didnt know how strong it was. I lived at home when I went to university and didnt work so I thought money and studies was a reason we never got together and once I was in a better place in my life and all settled in my work we would just move to the next step. And part of me probably always thought I would be the one to move on first and I guess I am a little jealous of that. I know its for the best but dont understand why it hurts so bad. Is that weird? I am not jealous in the day time that he is there I am just jealous that he cant be with me too. I must admit he cheated on this gurl with me and then broke up with her for me 10 years ago but I didnt know this until she found out about me and rang my door bell and told me, in the beginning I thought he was only mine. O feel like what goes around comes around and I would have left him thwn but i already fell in love with him by that point. We were serious for 2 years and then we had NC for 6 months until we ran into each other in a pub and then we started dating. From that time on we were never exclusive but there were months where we didnt date anyone else. Then one of us would date some one one or two times and let the other know about it to be honest and we seemed to lose intrest but always stayed together.

 

That was what was so weird that no matter if we saw other people we always needed to see each other. He is 38 so its not like he is a child. That is why I thought it was meant to be and that once we were ready to commit it would work. I was shocked to hear he was trying to work it out with his ex for the kids sake. Over they years she has had many men in her bed and he didnt want the child to grow up seeing that but getting back with her and moving in was such a shock. He feels he nneds to think about the kid but I feel like what about me. I guess he decided it would never work so he figures this is the best thing to do.

 

I feel gutted that I will never be in his arms again but after being through 9/11 with him and losing 2 friends I know friendship is so important and I dont want to cut my nose to spite my face.

 

Do you think once I get over this hurt it can work out?

 

Do you ever get over missing the physical part of the relationship and just truly feel like a friend? Is that possible?

 

Thanks for listening, it has helped me.

 

Marketa

[Marketa]

Thank you for the response. I guess I feel a little stupid and kinda knew I had more feelings and lived on hope. I feel a little alone which is why this board is so helpful. People that I know just think hes an *ss and that I should have dumped him even as a casual waiting for the next bus to come along thing a long time ago and I probably fought the feeling that he meant more to me that I was willing to admit because I was scared of getting hurt.

 

Now I am hurt and feel shocked that he could have moved on so quickly. I had NC for 5 weeks and in that time he decides to move in. If I would have waited longer I would have found out after he moved in. I guess that was my trump card. I wanted him to beg back and offer more and it slapped me in the face.

 

I know that the break up was probably the best thing to happen to me but i feel it we were broken up and alone it would be better him sharing his life with some one else and not choosing to do it with me is I guess what hurts the most.

 

Thanks for listening. I feel so much better knowing I am not alone. You guys are great.

 

Marketa

[Cryssi]

I don't think friends are being the most helpful they can be when they say bad things about your ex... You still hurt over him, and you need help, not their opinions.

 

You're going on the right way, though =). It's not easy for someone to pick themselves up after 10 years, and I salute you. You're doing formidable work.

 

Just don't give up alright? and if you need to rant... Well, we're all here!

[RayF]

friendship can never work. perioid. especially after a 10 year history.

 

if a god friendship is hard to find then i suggest we try and find good friends, will we find it in those wh hurt us so much?

 

of coursenot, because we are addicted to these people are heads try and convince us this, but the truth is we're living in denial.

 

once something was there it will always be there...

 

friendships between exes wh emotionally invested in eachother is nonexistant and will only do more harm than good.

 

let this person go, you deserve to be happy... you have to detach yourself from this person before that can ever happen.

[Cryssi]

I don't agree at all.

 

First, nobody can tell you what to think, that's up to you. We can only suggest things, what we think of the situation. You're still the judge at the end.

 

I don't think I'm an exception. My ex is the very closest friend I have, it all depends on how the relation went, and how it ended.

 

It's all up to you.