Jealous of just about everybody

[VictorWard]

I've had a problem with jealousy for at least 10 years now, so I may as well start at the beginning.

My whole problem is that over the years I have seen my group of friends slowly shrink down to nothing. Through middle-school, things weren't too bad, I had a few close friends. But as high school dragged on I grew apart from my friends, and was eventually replaced.

So for the last two years of high school, I had nobody. My life consisted of going to class, going to work, then nights alone at home. This continued through the remainder of high school. Needless to say, I was depressed. I was constantly jealous of everybody because they had somewhere to go. I remember nights at work when some of my younger co-workers would tell me about what they were doing with their friends the other night. Stories about parties. Things they were doing after work that night. Every time I heard something like this, I died a little inside and sank deeper into depression.

College was a different story, I actually had a group of friends. It was the closest thing I can remember to being happy. We went drinking, we would hang out, it was great. Well college ended over a year ago, and my friends moved far away.

 

My whole problem is that I'm afraid of people. I can't just start talking to people. I feel like I'm constantly being judged by others.

 

Now, I'm not completely alone, I do have a girlfriend (how that happened, I'm still not quite sure). We've been together for a couple of years. I love her, but it's not the same as having guy friends to hang out with.

 

Despite my relationship, I find that I still have those feelings of jealousy when I overhear people talking about their friends, or just seeing a group of friends out somewhere.

 

I want to be happy, and I know that I will never be happy until I have a few friends.

 

So I need to learn how to make friends. Being a 22 year old male, I know that I should just find a sport to play, and make friends with teammates. My problem is that I'm on a waiting list for knee surgery and I can't play sports. So I don't really know what else I can do.

 

I don't really have a good closing to this post, but I would appreciate any comments.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[CarterJonas]

As you have said Victor, the way to make new guy friends is either through work/college, through team sports or even common hobbies. Once you start getting out and about you will soon make some new friends.

 

goodluck

[VictorWard]

As you have said Victor, the way to make new guy friends is either through work/college, through team sports or even common hobbies. Once you start getting out and about you will soon make some new friends.

 

Well college is over, and nobody at work is in my age group. I'm planning on going to university next year, so I guess I'm pretty much alone until then.

[Vanilla]

i say you definitely go out there. Maybe your girlfriend has a brother who has friends or has her own guy friends you could befriend as well or that could introduce you to other people. Do you go to bars? go watch games? do you have family that may be able to introduce you to others?? you have to be very sociable, and when your knee gets better it will be much easier to interact with other guys.

 

my boyfriend doesnt have many friends, by choice. he used to hang out with a group of guys in high school but went off to college and realized he didnt care for the same stuff theydid. nor did he like them at all...

 

he really has a hard time fidning guys he can relate to. he loves sports so his main interaction with other guys other than class is playing basketball. he's very calm, doesnt like partying or clubbing, just likes to have adrink now and then, go to the sportsbar and wtach the game, go to a movie or stay in. lucky for me and him we both like doing the same things but sometimes I thinK I want him to have more guy friends, and he's just nonchalant about it. He says he'shappy with me, that he doesnt want a bunch of immature guys (he gets along really well with my cousins, who are 10 yrs older than he is!)...

 

so please let me know if you meet some cool people and tell me where you met them and how

 

i see no point in forcing him to go out there and get friends when he says he's perfectly happy the way he is, but it wouldbe just good to know incase one day he feels differently..

 

Thanks and I wish you the best of luck!

[VictorWard]

Thanks for the reply schatzieK.

i say you definitely go out there. Maybe your girlfriend has a brother who has friends or has her own guy friends you could befriend as well or that could introduce you to other people. Do you go to bars? go watch games? do you have family that may be able to introduce you to others??

 

My girlfriend doesn't really have any friends either. She seems more than happy spending all her time with me.

I very rarely go to bars, and if I do, I go with my girlfriend. I don't like to watch sports, so I don't go to games. As for my family, that's where I learned how not to be social.

my boyfriend doesnt have many friends, by choice. he used to hang out with a group of guys in high school but went off to college and realized he didnt care for the same stuff theydid. nor did he like them at all...

I have a similar story. During college, one night I went to hang out with my ex-high school friends. We went to the movies which was fine, but then we went back to this one guy's place and watched one of them play an online-RPG, while some of the others flipped back and forth between soft-core porn movies. I haven't hung out with them since.

 

From your description, it sounds like we have some things in common.

 

Thank you again for your reply.

[Vanilla]

it really does. my boyfriend is more than happy to not have a group of friends and spend his time iwth me and his family or both at athe same time. he has one really good friend but he goes to school 6 hrs away from where we live. he feels really detached from guys his own age. most guys his age are out there partying, living the "wild" life and he's really not into that, infact he really doesn't like that scene at all. he just really likes having quiet nights with me, having some drinks over dinner, a nice movie, minigolfing, going to sport events, or just staying in at home.

 

But the main difference between you two is that I guess you want friends and to him it really doesnt even phase him.

 

Sadly he's been quite betrayed by some of his old best friends...two of them tried to get me , his girlfriend to cheat on him (which i didnt) and also stole money from him etc. These were his buddies. He says all the guys at school are meatheads or way too studious for his taste and that if he's happy with his life and can finally feel like he trusts those around him that he rather not jinx anything and leave things as pleasant as they are.

 

I see where he is coming from, so I dont know, sometimes I guess I just worry too much about what I want for him than stop to see that he's actually really happy with how things are.

 

You said your family wasnt very social. well. I mean...I dont nkow. my boyfriend interacts with most other males playing sports. so i guess that rules it out for you as for now.

 

I say just wait til you start school again and then take it from there. While its nice to think about having a lot of friends, in the end you'll only have one or two real true friends during your entire lifetime, so i wouldnt spend too much time worryinga bout it. people will come in and out of your life without you expecting them too. as long as you're not alienating yourself from anyone, it will happen.

[VictorWard]

most guys his age are out there partying, living the "wild" life and he's really not into that, infact he really doesn't like that scene at all.

This "wild life" is one of those things that I'm jealous of. I have only really had a small taste of the wild life. By small taste, I mean one or two nights. I had fun, and I would like to experience more of it so I can have the experience.

 

I say just wait til you start school again and then take it from there.

I'm still worried that I'm going to get to university and I'll be "the old guy". I"m going to be 5 years older than most of the people in my program.

 

So yeah, there's no simple solution to my problem. I just want to be happy.

[Vanilla]

dude your 22! if you have a cool personality it wouldnt matter how old you are.

 

see both my boyfriend and i didsome heavy partying and quite young too. he's a diabetic and did too much drinking and staying out and it could have screwed up his life. he matured faster and lived a lot in his teens and almost regrets it. i guess he realized you can't trust most people anyways and has now set his priorities.

 

I can see how if you havnt done much you'd want to experience it. sure its fun and it can get crazy, but trust me you're not missing out on much. i sometimes wish i hadnt partied so hard, maybe thats why im so calm at only 19 now too.

 

but hey dont worry about it. you'll go to school and at 22-23 you're still INSANELY young and will not be considered an old dork, not at all. its about who you are and thats it. only if you think of yourself that way that is what other people will see you as. i definitely say go for it and enjoy it, but dont go too crazy and jeoperdize your girlfriend, etc.

[VictorWard]

see both my boyfriend and i didsome heavy partying and quite young too. he's a diabetic and did too much drinking and staying out and it could have screwed up his life. he matured faster and lived a lot in his teens and almost regrets it.

I guess the important thing is learning from your mistakes. Like you said, he matured. One of the things I'm disappointed about is that I haven't had the oppourtunity to even make mistakes. How does one learn about life without taking chances and experiencing things?

 

i definitely say go for it and enjoy it, but dont go too crazy and jeoperdize your girlfriend, etc.

I can't see myself going too crazy, at least not without some serious personality changes. I'm much too calm.

 

Thank you for the replies.

[Fif Angel]

Hey Victor,

Your post touched me-it actually reminded me a bit of myself. I have never really had a problem with making friends etc as I usually try to be quite sociable but I have definitely got a bit of a problem with meeting them this year.

 

I was at college but dropped out because of loads of complicated reasons. I`m currently taking a year out but am going back next year.

 

My friends at uni are all so busy with their courses that I never see them and my friends from high school are all away at different univeristies so I never see them. It`s really hard isn`t it?

 

I am going to try and meet new people this year just by going to night classes and stuff etc. Plus I`m starting a new job soon so am going to try and be really sociable there and hopefully make some friends.

 

I know what you mean about the jealousy thing-if I talk to my friends from school etc and hear them talking about what they are going to do etc I get a sort of twang in my heart. I feel bad for feeling like that as they are my friends and I love them but I just wish I had what they had, u know.

 

Maybe try and use your spare time this year creatively? Like take up new hobbies, going to the gym more, writing a book ( that`s what I`m going to do). It might not make loads of friends but at least it`ll give you something to talk about for when you do go to college next year and meet people.

 

Also keep in touch with your old friends-maybe make plans to visit them for a weekend or something.

 

How often do you get to see your girlfriend? Maybe you could do more things with her? I know it`s nice to have guy friends as well but at least it`s a start. Especially if she finds it hard meeting people too.

 

I have a lovely boyfriend who I adore but I don`t really get to see him that often as we`re not at uni together now and I even find myself getting a bit jealous of him when he tells me what he`s been up to ( in fact I`ll post on this a bit later)

 

I really sympathise with you about the college thing. I will be 3 to 4 years older than the other students when I go back and am worried about fitting in etc. Its true what SchatzieK says though about personality being more important than age.

 

The great thing about this site is that I think, if we`re honest, we probably all have some issues in our lives about making friends, relationships etc. Oherwise we wouldn`t spend so much time posting on it and more time in the real world Not that I`m complaining I love this place

 

 

Hope this has helped you a bit.It`s nice to know there are other people in the same boat. Feel free to pm me at any time if you want to talk.

[VictorWard]

Thanks for the post Fif Angel.

It's nice to know that I'm not the only person out there with this problem. Like I mentioned in previous posts, my college friends don't live near me.

 

I am going to try and meet new people this year just by going to night classes and stuff etc.

This sounds like a great idea actually. I live very close to a college. I'm not sure if they offer night classes. I should check into it.

 

I know what you mean about the jealousy thing-if I talk to my friends from school etc and hear them talking about what they are going to do etc I get a sort of twang in my heart. I feel bad for feeling like that as they are my friends and I love them but I just wish I had what they had, u know.

I usually feel sick to my stomach when I hear things like that. It's something I can never get used to.

I do live with my girlfriend, so I see her all the time. I love her, but I do need guy friends as well. She's very good at making friends, but she never really hangs out with any of them outside of school. I kind of wish she would.

One of the problems I can forsee even if I do end up making friends somehow is that she feels that we should spend every available moment together. She thinks that couples who don't, have a bad relationship.

 

Maybe try and use your spare time this year creatively? Like take up new hobbies, going to the gym more, writing a book ( that`s what I`m going to do). It might not make loads of friends but at least it`ll give you something to talk about for when you do go to college next year and meet people.

I've actually been reading lately. I'm also on the verge of having enough creativity to actually write a poem. Who knows what I'll come up with.