Just broke up with girlfriend

[JSHRN]

I have recently split up with my girlfriend. We were only together for about 4 months but they were the most intensely happy days of my life. I have been in a couple of long term relationships in the past and this one was totally different from those. We both fell madly in love very quickly and felt that fate had brought us together - we were soul mates. One problem - she was only separated from her husband, not divorced.

 

When we met, she was having a toxic affair on her husband. We became great friends and I helped get her out of that situation. Shortly afterwards, she separated from her husband and we began dating. I was cautious but she repeatedly assured me that she wasn't ever going back to her husband. That she couldn't go back because too much had happened and that she didn't love him anymore. (She said she married him for the wrong reasons). Said because he would be a "good provider for the kids". (She has 3 kids - 2 by other fathers, one with her husband). As our relationship developed she began expressing how incredibly happy she was with me and how she felt such intense feelings for me that she never felt for anyone before. I was so happy, but realized that she wasn't divorced yet. She continued to assure me that she wasn't ever going back and that what we had was real. When we met but she assured me every day that what we had was so much better than anything she ever had with him. We always had incredible sex and both of us said it was the best sex we ever had.

 

We weren't able to spend a lot of time together because she spent a great deal of time with her 3 year-old granddaughter. So, we would text literally text 400-500 times a day or talk on the phone. We would always talk about how happy we were with each other and talked about a future together (getting married, having a baby, buying a house). She would always say she loved me, was in love with me and wanted to be with me. She continually assured me that she wasn't ever going back to the marriage, and began talking about divorce.

 

A few times when we went out to dinner she would get a few drinks in her and would say things she wouldn't say when she was sober (like talking about an ex boyfriend). She wasn't drunk but alcohol would go straight to her head immediately and she became a different person - wanting to pick a fight to get a reaction out of me. I would always give her the benefit of the doubt and move on with the relationship - chalking it up to the alcohol. There were other times she'd be out with her friends and she'd get herself into an unsavory situation - because of the alcohol. We had a conversation about this and I told her she had a problem with alcohol - not an alcoholic, but a problem with alcohol. I got her involved with a new therapist and got her connected with AA meetings. She said she began realizing that she had been doing things wrong in her marriage all this time and that all her husband ever did was love him. She began saying if I was ok with "one day a week" then our relationship could work. (She was saying AA recommends no relationship for 1 year while in sobriety). I felt like our relationship was slipping away but she assured me that it wasn't - that she was trying to "fix" herself. She asked for my patience and understanding while she worked through this. She continued to assure me that she wanted a future with me but that she "needed to go slow". One day, before she went to an AA meeting, she texted me to say she would over after her meeting and we would spend the day together - said she missed me and wanted to get more emotionally connected to me. (We already had an incredible emotional and physical connection). Shortly after her meeting ended, she texted to say "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I can't lie anymore. I love my husband and children to continue this. I want your friendship, but the rest is over". I was crushed when I read that. I was incredibly hurt to be breaking up by text message. She called me and said the same thing. Said she had an "epiphany" that she needed her husband like never before.

 

This was 2 weeks ago. I have been incredibly sad, devastated, alone. All I do is cry. She's been texting me that our relationship was based on sex, not love. Said she was addicted to having sex with me. I asked her to explain why she said she loved me and was in love with me and wanted to be with me and she said "it was my truth at the time. It's what I wanted. Now, I realize that I need my husband and family". "We had an amazing time together but I need more". I feel betrayed. I told her I wish she had decided to do this before we became emotionally connected. She said she was blinded because she thought she was in love because of the amazing sex we had. She said she and her husband are "going to make things work this time". Even though she realizes a lot of work needs to be done. Not to sound selfish, but she texted me and said what we had was amazing and special and she'll never have that passion in her life ever again, but she "needs her husband because she loves him". I am so heartbroken and saddened by this. My whole world has been turned upside down. I know some of you will say I should have thought about this better because I got involved with a married woman. I did think about this. When she repeatedly told me she wasn't going back to and that she was going to file for divorce, I became more involved with her. I'm just incredibly sad.

 

Thoughts?

[Cherry009]

Sorry you went through this, you were basically used, used for a bit of fun. She got bored of her first affair so began another one with you. Hopefully this will be a lesson to you in the future, dont get involved with women who have so much baggage. Also the fact you met her whilst she was cheating on her husband shows the type of person she is, she will probably try and make it work with her husband for a few weeks or months and then get bored again and begin another affair with some other poor soul who will believe all her BS like you did. Be glad you had a lucky escape from her, if things would have gone differently you could have ended up marrying her and then her cheating on you and your kids. Bullet dodged in my opinion, iknow u wont think that now but intime youwill realise this.

[Cherry009]

Also this 'time spent with the grandaughter' may well have been a cover up and she was actually still with her husband, she also said she could only see you oncea week because of her 'therapy' hmmmmm suspicious. My guess is that she never split with her husband and you were just sex affair number 2.

[JSHRN]

When she separated from her husband 4 months ago she was living with her 21 year-old daughter. After about 6 weeks of her having no privacy or time for herself, she decided she needed to get her own place. She began looking for apartments. She said in order for our relationship to progress further she needed to get her own place. I found an apartment for her and the week before she moved in I asked her if this is what she wanted to do. She assured me that it was, saying "I love you and I want a future with you". She wasn't able to get anything from the marital house except her clothes. Her husband wouldn't give her anything. So, I furnished the apartment for her (living room set, dining room set, bedroom set, etc) to make her comfortable in her new home. I had never done anything like this for anyone in my life but I had never been this in love before either.

 

She says she's going to make it work with her husband. Do you really think she'll get bored again after a few weeks/months and do this again to someone else? She's been saying her husband may not forget but he will forgive her (like he's always done). She said she was "in a fog" with our relationship because she was addicted to the sex and confused our amazing sex with love. Said she confused orgasms for love. Said she was out of control in love with our sex life but realize it wasn't love and she wanted more (her family and kids). My question: why would she go on like this for so long, saying she loved me and was in love with me and wanted to be with me and let us develop an intense emotional connection - only to do this? For the past 4 months she wasn't concerned about the marriage or her husband because she wasn't going back. She talked about filing for divorce then a few days later it was over with us and she was going to make the marriage work. I feel like I was kicked in the gut and blindsided. I'm trying to figure out what changed that radically that she decided to end it with me? Her middle child (19 years-old) had pretty much stopped talking to her since the separation (unless he needed money). Her youngest child (16) had trouble adjusting to the separation but mentioned that there wasn't the tension between Mom & Dad like there was when they were together (there was no communication in the home).

 

 

It has been 17 days since she broke things off but this has been getting harder and harder. I don't have many friends (by choice) - I tend to be a loner. Before her, I hadn't been in a relationship in almost 10 years. In thousands of text messages, dozens of phone calls and in person encounters she said she loved me, was in love with me, wanted to be with me, etc. Now she's saying "I wasn't thinking clearly. I was in heaven because of the sex. I was addicted your c*** not you. I loved your c***. Period."

 

This has turned my whole world upside down. If it was just based on sex and was strictly a physical relationship I could move on. But there was real emotion here. A real connection. Or so I thought.

 

Thoughts?

[Cherry009]

it was the thrill, shes even told you herself that she wasnt in love with you, she was loving the fun and the sex, the excitement and the newness- some people get addicted to this kind of thing, her affairs in the past back this up as well. She said all those things to you whilst wrapped up into a bubble of excitement and sexual excitement. Then perhaps someone found out and brought her back down to reality, she has a husband and a family, she is not going to throw it all away for someone she just wanted a bit of fun with. Sorry but as i said before...you were used, used like a piece of meat for her cheap thrills. She told you all that about loving you so that you would stick around as her toy to play with until she was done with you. This board is full of people asking "why did they say this' ' what did they say that' at the end of the day people can say any old BS to get people to do what they want or to get people where they want them. The thing you need to really take notice of is their ACTIONS not words!! Her actions didnt end up matching her words.....she went bck to the husband......leave her be now and try to move on with your life.

[Cherry009]

you should also go get all your furniture back from her flat!

[JSHRN]

She's been texting me saying she "hopes I'm ok"; she's "praying for me"; she "wants to be friends" and "we need time apart to heal our hearts". She says she feels tremendous guilt for hurting me and says that it was initially "easy" for her but "it's been getting harder as the days go on and reality sets in" about what she did to me. She went so far as to say that this is impeding her progress in every aspect of her life and she is finding is difficult to move forward. ***??? I don't know what to make of any of this. Even though she has moved on and is apparently going back to her husband to make things work, it sounds like she wants to keep me around "just in case". Thoughts?

[confuseddotcom]

She's been texting me saying she "hopes I'm ok"; she's "praying for me"; she "wants to be friends" and "we need time apart to heal our hearts". She says she feels tremendous guilt for hurting me and says that it was initially "easy" for her but "it's been getting harder as the days go on and reality sets in" about what she did to me. She went so far as to say that this is impeding her progress in every aspect of her life and she is finding is difficult to move forward. ***??? I don't know what to make of any of this. Even though she has moved on and is apparently going back to her husband to make things work, it sounds like she wants to keep me around "just in case". Thoughts?

 

She sounds incredibly selfish and self-centred. I agree with everything Cherry009 said. You really are better off well away from her. Delete her from every aspect of your life and never speak to her again. She sounds like the kind that will push and push to see what she can get away with. Don't give her that satisfaction. 100% radio silence. She's dead to you now.

 

Btw, I read the other post you made about her. In that post and this one, you mentioned a toxic relationship she was in. I'd lay a huge wad of cash on the fact that she was the toxic element in that relationship. Just as she was the toxic one in your relationship. And just like she will be in every relationship she finds herself in. She's toxic, period.

[sharky988]

I agree, she sounds selfish and self-centered -- to the point of mental illness. You should do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder, she sounds like a textbook case!

 

Not to demonize her -- or to play therapist -- or even to waste more time trying to figure out why she did what she did. But hopefully to help you detach and realize that some of her *incredible qualities* that set her apart were actually pretty typical symptoms of a common mental illness.

 

Borderlines are very grandiose and dramatic and throw out great declarations of love and passion -- but in reality, they're immature, selfish and incapable of feeling genuine love for another human being. They're typical estranged from their adult children (through no fault of their own, of course.) They hop from person to person their entire lives, bonding intensely and then cutting them off.

 

Just imo anyway, you got hooked in by a real nutjob!

[JSHRN]

I honestly was cautious at first and didn't get involved with her until she separated from her husband and began living with her daughter. When she began saying that she was "never going go back to the marriage" because "too much had happened" and she "didn't love her husband anymore", I began developing an emotional connection with her. I thought we were on the same page as far as a future was concerned (she assured me were) but said we had to "take things slow". I accepted that her children were her priority. (She was somewhat estranged from the 2 younger ones - 16 and 19). But she continued to assure me that she wanted to be with me and wanted a future with me. I've read about borderlines and thought that she somewhat fit the category because I still didn't feel we were on the same page with the relationship. (Again, all she told me was that we "needed to take things slow").

 

The past week has been incredibly difficult dealing with this. I feel myself becoming more sad, withdrawn, depressed, hurt. I just want the incredible pain to go away. Unfortunately, I still have to see her at work - which is very difficult. She said she's been praying for both of us to heal our hearts and get through this. I've tried blocking her number but it only blocks me from texting her - not vice versa. She sent me a text the other morning that she "hooked up" with the guy she was previously having the affair with, then several hours retracted it saying she told me that to hurt me. She further told me there were 3 reasons she broke up with me: 1) she needed her husband and children in her life, 2) because I cheated on her (I didn't) and 3) because I didn't fit into her life. She felt I didn't accept that her children were her priority. She said that she essentially gave up her children to be with me and that that couldn't continue anymore. Said that because of the separation her children didn't talk to her and in order to have them back in her life she had to be with her husband (2 of the 3 children are not his). I told that if I had known she was even thinking of going back to her husband or if she ever mentioned that it was a possibility - I wouldn't have developed an emotional connection with her. She had gone so far as to talk to a divorce attorney shortly before she decided to go back to him.

 

As it stands now, she and her husband are "dating" and she hopes, in time, to go back home. She still saying she has to fix herself first before she work on her marriage and calls it a "work in progress". I'm having a very difficult time moving on with this. I'm very withdrawn, isolated, sad, depressed and have lost energy to do things.

 

Thought?

[confuseddotcom]

Thought?

 

Plenty. She's a basket case, crazy in the coconut, a fruit loop. Run as far away as you can from this one. If you can't block her texts, change your number. She'll keep leaving you breadcrumbs as long as you allow her to. Cut her out of your life completely. It will be hard to start with but nowhere near as hard as the path you are currently headed down. That path holds nothing but heartache for you whereas, if you cut her off now, you will eventually reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck fella!

[JSHRN]

I agree, she sounds selfish and self-centered -- to the point of mental illness. You should do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder, she sounds like a textbook case!

 

Borderlines are very grandiose and dramatic and throw out great declarations of love and passion -- but in reality, they're immature, selfish and incapable of feeling genuine love for another human being. They're typical estranged from their adult children (through no fault of their own, of course.) They hop from person to person their entire lives, bonding intensely and then cutting them off.

 

Just imo anyway, you got hooked in by a real nutjob!

 

The more I think about your quote sharky988, the more it appears to me that she is incapable of feeling genuine love for another person. The more she said she loved me and was in love with the more I believed it. But, why would she do that? That's the part that I can't get past. I really thought we had a connection with each other. What did I miss? I really thought when she separated from her husband, got her own apartment and began talking about divorce (she even went so far as to talk to a divorce attorney) - that things were moving in a more permanent, meaningful direction. What signs did I miss? She never once talked about going back to her husband. She said "too much had happened for her to ever go to the marriage" and "besides, I love you and want to be with you". She said this repeatedly to me. Again, what signs did I miss? The only thing that does make sense to me is the fact of her needing and wanting her children in her life. She said she essentially gave up her children for me and that "that couldn't happen anymore". She said in order for her to have her children in her life she had to go back to her husband. Even so, I am still so broken hearted and sick over this. Lately, this has gotten incredibly more difficult for me. I'm now on meds for depression and anxiety because I'm having such a difficult time coping with this. I just want the pain and anguish to go away. I don't have any friends except the people I work with so "hanging out and talking with them" is not an option. Most of them are married and living their own lives. So, I'm doing this on my own - all alone - and the pain of being alone is unbearable. This is the hardest thing I've ever done (including the death of my parents). I just want the pain to end.