On the right track with life I think?

[Jimbly]

Looking for any kind of input on my situation. Abbreviated version of my longer posts and some new info:

 

 

 

 

We worked together had both just come out of marriages (two unrelated facts). I’m 12 years older with a young kid. She was 25 when we started dating and had only dated one person before me (high school sweetheart who she was married to for 5 years). We’d been together for almost 2 years when she ended it in early February. She said she wanted to stay friends, but I said no thanks. But I accepted the breakup and knew it was for the best because of the rut we were stuck in.

 

Reasons for the breakup we discussed when we met up a week later, in no particular order:

1. Lack of communication in general, including about all the reasons that follow. We are both anxious-avoidant attachment style, with her being more avoidant than me, which made my avoidance worse.

2. Complacency. “We were really happy and things were going so well” (her words), but there was a lack of the “spark” she sees other couples have, since we both held back.

3. She wanted to know that she can be independent and make her own friends. Part of this was probably also wanting to experience dating other people (though she didn’t explicitly state this).

4. She was insecure about my dating history (I told her how many people I’d slept with, after she asked).

5. Trust issues since her husband cheated on her, and I did cheat on my ex-wife once (worst thing I ever did, and I didn’t hide it from my ex. My ex-wife and I worked through it but things didn’t work out for many reasons).

6. She thought I was going to ask her to move in with me this summer, and wasn’t ready to commit to that, or being a step-parent. But she did say that moving in and living with me would easy and had thought about it.

7. New job and starting last semester of school. She was about to get incredibly busy and was stressed. We broke up the weekend before school started.

 

Reading that list back…it looks really bad, and there were a lot of issues. I think these are issues that could be worked out given a LONG time. It really was bad timing. Independence had come up before, and I gave her space to make new friends and try new activities, which she was doing. I also had no intention of asking her to move in with me.

 

We met to talk a week after the break-up, and that was the first time I ever saw her display strong emotions. She said if the “spark” were there she would marry me. There were lots of tears. The next day she asked for a month NC to “separate emotionally”. The next month was hell for me….but I started working on myself and went on a LOT of dates.

 

When I finally spoke to her on the phone after 5 weeks she was extremely distant, which is how she normally is on the phone. I did all the talking and she was tidying her desk! She said we weren’t ready to be friends, and meeting up was a bad idea because it would be ”nebulous and iffy”.

 

The next day I dropped her stuff off on her doorstep. When she texted me “Thanks for my stuff! You could have texted me I texted back and told her off about her treatment of me during the phone call, and wished her good luck with her life. She replied she was uncomfortable with how I thought the conversation would go, and she didn’t feel comfortable with picking up right where we left off. I said that maybe she should have talked to me instead of making assumptions. Why would I want to pick up right where we left off?? I then went NC and decided to move on.

 

I’ve now been dating somebody for 2 months who is the exact opposite of my ex. Maybe too much since she is reactive and says exactly how she feels without thinking it through. Our relationship has felt like hard work but I put that down to her just being the opposite of my ex. Overall though, I felt extremely happy and comfortable with the new girl for the first 5 weeks. Then a couple of weeks ago I started missing my ex, but resisted the urge to contact her. But last Friday, there was an incident (reported gunman loose) at my ex’s work and I texted her to check she was OK. She sent a friendly response, then I texted it would be great to catch up. Nothing for 2 days, then a reply “Yeah, I’d like to get together for lunch, but I’m really busy so we’ll need to plan something later”. This caught me off guard and then I did something pretty funny. I texted one of my friends “When I texted her I only meant to catch up on the phone or IM. I never mentioned meeting”. Except I sent it to my ex by mistake! I sent a short email apologizing. I said I didn’t mean to sound dismissive of meeting up, but I really didn’t expect anything and I’d understand if she didn’t want to meet. She replied that she understood my mistake and that maybe it would be too stressful to meet. She said “I really don’t want it to be stressful, so maybe we should hold off a bit longer on reconnecting”. I sent one more short email saying it wouldn’t be too stressful but I agreed and said let’s wait a few more weeks. I also tried to lighten things up with some news about work friends. So the plan to meet is still on the table.

 

After my ex responded about meeting by text (before the emails), I immediately told my current GF what had happened, having already told her last week I was missing my ex. I felt it was only fair to be honest and open with her. I never want to go behind someone’s back again. I also thought it would take the fire out of the desire to actually meet my ex. As expected my GF was not happy. What happened next made me realize I must break up with her (waiting to do it in person). The next 2 days I was text, email and phone bombed by her about us breaking up, even though I said that I did not want to break up with her (which I didn’t at the time). This pushed me away completely, and I’ve realized that I can’t give her what she needs. I don’t want to string her along. Note that after the accidental text, I didn’t contact my ex by email until after I had made this decision. I had intended to go back to full NC right away.

 

So this is where I am now:

 

1. I’ve been going to therapy for the past 3 months (with a 1 month break), and have learned a lot about myself

2. I’ve read a lot of relationship books. Books on Imago therapy and attachment styles have been especially helpful….for any future relationship

3. My ex and I became co-dependent in a negative way (in any relationship I believe there has to be a healthy level of co-dependency)

4. I accept and understand the reasons my ex and I broke up. It had to happen.

5. I do not want to get back with my ex at this moment in time, but I realize I’m still hung up on her.

6. I am going to go NC for 4 weeks.

7. I want to spend a few months being single to work on myself and make new friends.

8. I want to leave the door open to getting back with my ex, but it would have to be a new relationship. And it’s way too soon for that.

9. If we don’t end up together it is not the end of the World. I’ve found it easy to meet other women, and 8/10 of first dates I went on wanted a second.

 

The only person who has ever got under my skin as much as my ex is the woman I married…even though that didn’t work out. I think I am in a good place right now, but any insights or opinions would be welcome. Am I on the right track in general? What are my ex’s intentions regarding meeting up (I am 99% sure it is just to be friends)? Should we meet up?

[sharky988]

My thoughts are, first: try not to date people who are 12 years younger than you.

 

Second: if you're dating someone now, you shouldn't meet up with your ex. For your own healing, and the sake of your current relationship: unless there's kids involved, there's never a reason to "catch up" or maintain a friendship with an ex.

 

I don't blame your current girlfriend -- I'd have dumped you for saying you missed your ex and were planning to meet her!

 

Just my opinions, but if you lose your current girlfriend over someone from your past, you deserve what you get.

[iam42]

i feel bad for your current girlfriend, who has been trying to actually have the relationship that you've agreed to while you are in a head-based romance with your ex. i do not say this to judge you but to help make clear that you are all over the place still emotionally. it does sound as if you should not continue with the current woman because you are not emotionally available to her. it is nice to find that you are appealing to women still, but that doesn't help you because you have nothing to offer them just yet. and you don't need the bad karma of hurting innocent folks, do you?

 

it also sounds as if you should leave your ex alone. though she left the door open to get together in person, it sounds as though she was being polite and would prefer to continue moving on in her life. and that's the thing: you have to let your ex move on because that is what she has decided is best for her -- and, therefore, that is best for you. once you have healed, you can find a new relationship that will make you and your partner happy. and it doesn't seem that that will be with either of these women.

[Jimbly]

I broke up with my "current" GF on Saturday. Even though it was difficult and I feel terrible, it was the right thing to do. When we started dating I wasn't in a "head-based romance" with my ex, but I clearly wasn't healed or emotionally available for the new woman. And eventually the ex came back into my head.

 

As far as my ex just being polite, I'm not so sure it's possible to know what she's thinking. She was the one who suggested meeting up, and kept the door open to it even after I said it would be OK if we didn't. I know I need to let her move on, but it's easier said than done. Especially since she is the type who doesn't move on easily. How can I stop being so selfish? I obsess about things and I'm terrible at NC for longer than a few weeks. I know I will break NC again in the future. It's so difficult to break personality traits that are so deeply entrenched.

 

I really hurt somebody I genuinely liked this weekend. Somebody I saw long term potential with when we first met. I messed up something good for nothing. I guess I will keep getting what I deserve until I learn to get out of this pattern.