My ex contacted me - stage zero......

[nfperception]

Sounds to me like he wanted you to be all upset and begging for him to come back, and when you told him instead that you just wanted space he got a little mad and defensive.

 

A.K.A. stroking his ego.

[aseeker]

Sounds to me like he wanted you to be all upset and begging for him to come back, and when you told him instead that you just wanted space he got a little mad and defensive.

 

That crossed my mind based on the fact that I did it the first time he broke up with me (it lasted one day). But this time I simply accepted his texts, tried to reason with him without any major drama, yet he got more and more upset by the moment. Because apparently I wasn't "desperate" enough to get him back. So by the end, when he said "we shouldn't talk" I simply agreed. He was really aggressive about it (has been for a while) and te truth is I didn't have the strength to exhaust myself with his attitude all over again, so I decided to let it cool off.

 

I think he's used to me getting all emotional and asking him to change his mind. Every little argument we had I was always the first to apologize if I'd upset him, but he would sulk for a while anyway. Whereas I would forget about it the next minute. And because I didn't try to contact him during the course of this month, his ego suffered I guess.

 

The sad thing is I really thought we could remain friends... I mean, we did get along as friends, just not as boyfriend and girlfriend I suppose. I feel I've been dating a repressed personality just craving to get out, to the point where it simply exploded. He keeps telling me he changed for me and I didn't value the effort. I didn't WANT him to change who he was, otherwise what was the point of dating him? I felt attracted and in love with the character he created and not really for himself. He was pretending the whole time, thinking it was the best thing to do. But how long was he expecting it to last, really? Trying to improve yourself is one thing, reinventing yourself for someone else's approval is another. And I'm not just talking about me.

 

Obviously he is hurt/angry that it didn't work out, but that's really not my fault. I don't think I deserve all the anger he has for the world thrust upon me.

 

And what does he mean with "at the end of the day I'm the ***hole that broke up with you"? Is he playing the victim here or something?

[aseeker]

I agree with this. He is probably one of "those types of guys" that want anyone and everyone to stroke his ego, he probably tries too hard to impress people. You know, "those types". He probably will contact you again in a couple of months after his bruised ego is healed, just to see if you'll stroke it again.

 

I never really thought too much about it, to be honest with you, probably because when you're in love that kind of stuff is just not as apparent as it is to others. But he does have a bit of megalomania in him, I can't tell how much because I only saw it emerge in certain situations and it did scare the hell out of me. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that he wanted so much yet tried so little to accomplish it. To me, that would never lead anywhere but to frustration. He often pointed out that I should be more ambitious like him, but I was quite content with what I had because I didn't want to disappointed.

 

But he might have been bipolar because in between those megalomania spurs, he was incredibly insecure, always trying to make sure I would never leave him (he said "I need to give you reasons to keep me", sometimes everyday), always doubting himself. I guess he just wanted me to reassure him and be there to elevate his ego. It might have been just a strategy. Wow. That's why he got so upset whenever I tried to be reasonable and not always agree with his views.

 

Honestly... who cares what other people think? I mean... really. People are going to say stuff to cover thier own bottoms, even if they were at fault doing it. That's just how it is. You can be the nicest person in the world, and someone will come along and try to make you out to be a monster.

 

I think that's what he believes I'm doing to him. Yet I think that's what he's doing to me. So you and Elisames are right, we do value our side of the yard and can't really account for other people's beliefs. Everyone will think of their sides, everyone will care about their own selves. So it's pointless. He probably thinks I'm an evil woman who destroyed the best thing he ever had and never appreciated him.

[Mariana345]

please read this link removed

 

don't buy his bullsh*t!!

[Lawhead]

Your statement rejected him. You've already broken up so this wasn't necessary and he knew that. This rejection then feels personal to him causing him to get angry and, in an attempt to regain control of the situation, he decides to reject you further. My ex did said something similar to me and the above is exactly why I got angry and reacted just like your ex despite normally being a calm and rational human.

[Jay98]

This is how my ex treated me after he strung me along for 3 months and I finally gave up because it was hurting so much.

 

The final straw came when he went insane with me over someone I was with 7 years ago! so I threw in the towel. At first he begged, blew up my phone, texted, etc, basically all the stuff I did when he dumped me the fist time 10months ago. He didn't give a damn how I felt back then when I was in a state.

 

Then when he didn't get his own way, I'm a *****, a manipulator, a this and that and he hates me. Now so do his friends and family thanks to the lies he has spread.

 

It's an ego trip. A vice of control. It's not love. Forget this asshat like I'm forgetting mine.

[nfperception]

This is how my ex treated me after he strung me along for 3 months and I finally gave up because it was hurting so much.

 

The final straw came when he went insane with me over someone I was with 7 years ago! so I threw in the towel. At first he begged, blew up my phone, texted, etc, basically all the stuff I did when he dumped me the fist time 10months ago. He didn't give a damn how I felt back then when I was in a state.

 

Then when he didn't get his own way, I'm a *****, a manipulator, a this and that and he hates me. Now so do his friends and family thanks to the lies he has spread.

 

It's an ego trip. A vice of control. It's not love. Forget this asshat like I'm forgetting mine.

 

It sounds like to me that he has the potential to become abusive, physically, not just verbally, after reading that. Since he is lying to his friends and family about what you did, then good riddance to all of them. You now know who your real friends are.

[aseeker]

Your statement rejected him. You've already broken up so this wasn't necessary and he knew that. This rejection then feels personal to him causing him to get angry and, in an attempt to regain control of the situation, he decides to reject you further. My ex did said something similar to me and the above is exactly why I got angry and reacted just like your ex despite normally being a calm and rational human.

 

How was it not necessary? He broke up with me, treated me like crap when I tried to get back with him right after so I stopped immediately. I knew pressuring him wouldn't work and I had to move on, even if it killed me inside. When we talked face to face, he rejected all my attempts to make him see we could work. So in the end, I agreed with everything and we stayed at that. No contact for a month, he said, but we could be friends because we'd gone through so much. I respected him and didn't say anything for a month. He, on the other hand, kept pestering me about random things that he could easily avoid. I would go back to missing him everytime, even if I had previously made a huge improvement on my self-healing.

 

So, after all that, he can't understand the fact that I need my space just like he needed his? And that I do want to be friends with him just like he wanted? I don't get why he would be angry, sorry. I basically played along with his whole game until I was fed up. I needed to tell him that, otherwise I wouldn't be able to stop obsessing about what I should have said and done. And that would take me nowhere. He didn't care about my feelings when he broke up or during that month, always making me hope and reenacting the flame, when he knew there was no turning back. So I don't see how am I to blame...

[aseeker]

please read this link removed

 

don't buy his bullsh*t!!

 

This is an excellent read, thank you so much!!!

 

This is how my ex treated me after he strung me along for 3 months and I finally gave up because it was hurting so much.

 

The final straw came when he went insane with me over someone I was with 7 years ago! so I threw in the towel. At first he begged, blew up my phone, texted, etc, basically all the stuff I did when he dumped me the fist time 10months ago. He didn't give a damn how I felt back then when I was in a state.

 

Then when he didn't get his own way, I'm a *****, a manipulator, a this and that and he hates me. Now so do his friends and family thanks to the lies he has spread.

 

It's an ego trip. A vice of control. It's not love. Forget this asshat like I'm forgetting mine.

 

Today his best friend (a girl) was all happy to see me, chatting as normally. Which either means she's not as immature as him or that she doesn't know it. So I can only assume once he regains his possessions and deletes me off facebook or whatever, he'll start badmouthing me any way he can. Because I rejected his rejection (if that makes any sense). I haven't badmouthed him to anyone except venting to my best friends, whom I trust and are not his friends anyway. But I'm sure he'll do it to mutual friends, etc. How do I know this? Because he made it seem like he believed I was doing just that, and he'll want revenge. Which is really stupid...

 

Egos are the worst thing in any relationship. They make people change, act crazy, basically do everything wrong without even noticing. I'm glad you moved on and your ex isn't bothering you anymore. Unfortunately, until I return his things I have to put up with him contacting me again... But I'm hoping by the end of the week I'll have it over with. I'm too busy and stressed with school right now to have anything more on my plate.

 

You're right, it's not love but control. He liked to have me in his hands and whenever I slipped, he didn't know what to do with himself. He never really had me under control until he broke up with me the first time (in November), because then I became insecure and went along with practically almost everything for fear of being dumped again. I felt like I was walking on thin ice, it was horrible. When I regained my confidence and started acting normal again, I guess he decided to dump me once more to get me on the leash... Or maybe he just wasn't interested anymore in someone he couldn't keep messing with.

[todayisrough]

You're not to blame! Everything you said 100% correct

[todayisrough]

If he does that! Let him talk and ignore it! Seriously this man isn't worth the hassle lol

[aseeker]

If he does that! Let him talk and ignore it! Seriously this man isn't worth the hassle lol

 

He's a boy, an immature, selfish, controlling one at that. I don't know why I seemed to believe we could ever work out just because he had some lovely moments with me. I realized too late they were all manipulations to keep me around whenever his dark side surfaced. And he did make me feel guilty for a loooong time, believe me, three whole weeks that was where I was immersed in. And for what? So when I healed and tried to make things right he made me feel like crap again?

 

I definitely don't want him to sabotage my happiness anymore. Be it as boyfriend or friend. And whoever believes him and his lies is either stupid or not worth it, either way I won't bother. He did complain sometimes that I played the victim in our fights, which hurt me a lot. But I can see where that is coming now: himself.

[todayisrough]

yeah he sounds insecure and immature ! U can be glad to see the back of him !!

[aseeker]

So I arranged it with a friend of ours to do the exchange of our stuff and he told me my ex was mad that I'd got our friend involved and said "So she doesn't even bother to come?" or something of the sort. I was shocked that after what he told me on facebook, he'd think that I would humiliate myself further by meeting him and have to talk to him, when he clearly stated he didn't want to see me or talk to me.

 

Seriously, am I not doing the right thing by making this as impersonal as possible? My friend said he's perfectly fine with doing it, so I don't see a problem.

 

I mean, HE didn't bother to break up with me in person.

[todayisrough]

Haha his ego is just bruised and he is ashamed! Don't give two cents about it being impersonal! This is about protecting yourself! He's just seeing what it's like!

[Limiya]

LOL, he reeks of insecurity, it's flying off the pages. Really easy to see.

All this pushing and pulling he's doing. He's panicking because you aren't constantly begging him to come back. You let go, and not allowing yourself to continue to be manipulated. He is now reacting in anger because his little plans don't work.

Keep up the good work. Giving a friend his things is more than reasonable. He said he didn't want to see you, he didn't even have the decency to break up with you to your face. And now he's throwing a tantrum like a child. It's quite laughable really.

I think you've had a very lucky escape. Men like that are such hard work.

 

Limiya

[princeslondon]

I agree with Limiya, he sounds like a classic narcissist with a bruised ego. My ex was always telling me 'please leave' 'i want to be on my own' 'i don't think this is working' ....but I would say no and beg and convince and it would all be ok again for a week, but everytim.this happened, i lost a little piece of my selself-worth. I used to drive around in daydreams, dreaming of someone amazing who would never ever tell me they didn't want to be with me. One day after a crappy weekend with minimal contact, I called him and asked him outright 'are you IN this anymore' his answer was 'no' so I said 'shall we call it a day?' He said 'ok' I said ok and he said bye. I cried and cried. I thought 'thats it' I'm going to just end my relationship on FB and tell everyone and be done with it. So I removed him on FB and all his family and removed our relationship. Apparently, in his mind we weren't over, apparently we 'always sort things out' apparently me ending things on FB was the worst thing I could do and the breakup is all my fault. Because I did that, I have burned all the bridges blah blah. This hurt me, it wasn't my fault, I'm not psychic, how was I to know he didn't mean what he was saying. He was angry, because his EGO was bruised. I'd taken control and he didn't like it. I'd made a decision to tell everyone and he wasn't ready. I apologised soooo much for it, cried, pleaded, told him I acted too quickly, that I'd make it right (idiot) but he had none of it. He slept with me a couple of times last week, but just to fuel his own EGO. You're ex sounds the same, did he used to play the victim? Did he have a hard time admitting mistakes and wrong-doing? Was he controlling or arrogant? I bet he was xxx

[aseeker]

He was pretty much all of that, I guess, but I just didn't take any notice because I was in love with him (I think; I don't know anymore. Sometimes I just think I miss being with someone...)

 

He always said I played the victim when he got mad at me for something and I was upset. Quite arrogant, definitely controlling, and so-so at admitting he had made a mistake. It had to be me pointing it out, most of the time.

[aseeker]

LOL, he reeks of insecurity, it's flying off the pages. Really easy to see.

All this pushing and pulling he's doing. He's panicking because you aren't constantly begging him to come back. You let go, and not allowing yourself to continue to be manipulated. He is now reacting in anger because his little plans don't work.

Keep up the good work. Giving a friend his things is more than reasonable. He said he didn't want to see you, he didn't even have the decency to break up with you to your face. And now he's throwing a tantrum like a child. It's quite laughable really.

I think you've had a very lucky escape. Men like that are such hard work.

 

Limiya

 

Thanks Limiya! I don't really know what goes in that head of his... Why would I meet him when he said he didn't want to see him? As if I had the DUTY to go there and give his things personally, so he could mess with my head some more and probably check out how I was doing. No sir, I've had it with his games. We can only meet when he stops being an ***hole to me and expect me to accept it lightly. I still wish we could be on friendly/speaking terms because I hate being enemies with anyone, especially someone I've shared so much with. But that's just how it is... He sabotaged the whole thing himself

[Limiya]

To be perfectly honest, Aseeker. Men like him won't change or 'stop being an arsehole'. I stayed with my ex (who sounds very similar to yours) for 6 years, hoping he would change and improve his behaviour. Now i've had time apart from him, the last thing i ever would want is friendship with a man who is capable of being so disrespectful to not just me but other people too. Full of insecurity and lashing out at those closest. No thanks. I'd like a REAL man who can have a normal adult conversation who does not throw a toddler tantrum every time he doesn't get agreed with.

 

I'm sure when you've had significant time of NC you will feel the same.

Trying to make sense of NONSENSE is just wasting your time and your happiness. It's trying to understand craziness. It won't work.

 

 

Limiya

[aseeker]

You're totally right. At first, I watched his behavior with others and I didn't agree with some of it. But the thing is, you never think he will do the same to you, because you're supposedly "special". That is a huge mistake. Once you fall on his bad side (with or without fault) he will treat you just the same if not worse, because he lost all respect for you. I thought he was changing for the better but the ***hole part of him was just hibernating.... It came out as soon as it could, when things didn't go his way.

 

The thing is, he blamed me and accused me of the things I saw him doing! Like playing the victim, getting too upset over nothing, being cold, being naggy, etc. I didn't see it then but now it's crystal clear. It's infuriating how I ignored it before and made no big deal about it....

 

I won't try to understand it anymore, at least not by asking him or friends. I do much prefer ranting here because everyone is a lot more objective and to the point. Our head plays tricks on us at times and I don't want that anymore. I don't want to think I feel something when it's not worth it and I'm just making it worse. My ex doesn't even understand himself, how could I? I need to start thinking of this as the past, from which I learned a lot. That's my positive take on bad relationship

[Jay98]

Did you and I date the same guy? XD

 

Seriously though he sounds like a carbon copy. Whenever my ex didn't get his own way or disagreed with me about what was important (if I felt a certain way etc) I'd be ignored or the fate of the relationship would be waved in front of my eyes. It was hurting too much so I let go. Hardest thing I ever had to do, and like you I sent an apology email because I hate being an enemy to anyone. No doubt he's spread it around his friends and family like he did with a letter I sent in the past.

 

These men are cruel, manipulating control freaks.

[Limiya]

Well done Aseeker. Now you're really on the right track if you keep on like this. It takes time, because you will still naturally keep questioning his behaviour with 'whys', but it will soon peter out if you keep to NC.

You will find yourself getting sick of asking yourself the same questions and not being able to get a straightforward answer. There isn't one.

So, what do we do? Move on. Learn from it, and make sure we take note of how we allow others to treat us in the future. Raise our standards Look after ourselves from now on.

 

Keep re-reading this thread when you feel down or driving yourself crazy.

 

Limiya