My ex contacted me - stage zero......

[aseeker]

This was today over facebook, while he asked me to give his stuff back and told me he had some stuff at his house too:

 

"Him: So....how's life?

Me: The usual

H: But are you proper? At least that?

M: After all that's happened, do you really think so?

H: People survive

M: Yes they do

H: And we've already talked so it's not worth it going through it all again. I'm a dumb*** for even asking how you're doing

M: I'm still hurt, a month is a very short time. Don't you understand my side?

H: Yes. I'm cold but not that much. As if you don't know that. But ok, I get it."

 

At this point I thought I'd leave it at that, but then I thought I should at least say what was on my mind, and blew it:

 

"M: I know we agreed to be friends, and believe me I want that. But right now I need my time and I'm sure you need yours too. I don't wanna fight or remember the past, and for now I think it's best if we give each other that time.

H: That canned speech was for what exactly? Ok, whatever. I want my movies and my drawings. That's it. After that move along because I see this won't end up in anything.

M: It wasn't a canned speech, it was the truth. But if you think so

H: If I said it. And done, this dies here. Now don't talk to me, and after giving me my stuff and vice-versa, get lost, because no matter how many times I go over this story, it's the same: I'm the ***hole that broke up with you."

 

And then nothing.

 

I'm feeling like crap. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I actually feel scared of this guy, because he changed from a loving, caring person to this monster... And I never thought he could twist my words around like that. I tried my best to make him understand and yet I only did worse...

 

Any advice on how to move on now?

[LookandLeap]

How to move on?

 

Give him his stuff back, and stop responding. You won this exchange. He got all pissy because you grew a backbone. Just leave his things outside your door, and don't talk to him anymore. I bet he will initiate contact again, don't bite.

[JustLetGo]

It seems you hurt him with what he called your 'canned speech'.

It seems that he might want to have had a response to his final statement, not sure if it would have changed anything though.

 

What I learnt in my conversation with my ex last saturday is that both sides are hurt - and can only really believe in their side of the story. Although

they might be able to see the other side.

 

Move on with no contact and just killing him with kindness so he has nothing to be mad about if you speak again.

I really don't know what else one can do really. I am in the same boat.

[Edmund Exley]

Sadly he seems to think you should just be healed and he is unsympathetic to the fact you arent. That said, you did kinda drop a little guilt in his lap and he went on the defense for it. Hindsight being 20/20 when he asked if you've been proper you should have simply replied "doing the best I can, what do you need?" Im sure this isnt the first time you two have been down this road.

[aseeker]

Indeed we haven't, he has contacted me on and off for stupid things and I had always responded shortly and to the point. The day we broke up he gave me support and such, telling me to get strong and yadda yadda. I was an idiot back then and accepted it with a smile on my face. Then the day of my birthday, a really sweet message wishing me happy birthday.

 

And yet he didn't care at all when he broke up with me.

 

I wouldn't be able to say I was "just fine" like he apparently wanted me to. I wanted him to know that what he did was not ok. I'm tired of pretending. He was acting like everything was just fine and we were the best of friends. I couldn't cope with that. It was like he was saying "yeah, I hurt you and you have to suck it up now". I most certainly don't have to suck it up. I'm a human being.

 

He asked me for a month apart, no talking. I respected the request, he didn't. Now he started the conversation, like he always does, and I responded so as to not be the immature one. And then he changes so radically, like lightening, just because he didn't hear what he wanted to hear. And then treats me like I mean nothing. And then tries to blame me for making him look bad for breaking up with me? I just can't wrap my mind around so much....

[aseeker]

How to move on?

 

Give him his stuff back, and stop responding. You won this exchange. He got all pissy because you grew a backbone. Just leave his things outside your door, and don't talk to him anymore. I bet he will initiate contact again, don't bite.

 

I will give his things to a friend of ours, I guess. Because we live too far from each other and I would have to go there on purpose. I guess that is ok?

 

It seems you hurt him with what he called your 'canned speech'.

It seems that he might want to have had a response to his final statement, not sure if it would have changed anything though.

 

What I learnt in my conversation with my ex last saturday is that both sides are hurt - and can only really believe in their side of the story. Although

they might be able to see the other side.

 

Move on with no contact and just killing him with kindness so he has nothing to be mad about if you speak again.

I really don't know what else one can do really. I am in the same boat.

 

I debated with myself whether I should answer after that. It seems like everything I say, no matter how calmly or well-intended, is twisted around and made seem like an evil thing. Am I not supposed to complain when I'm hurting? Am I supposed to accept being friends with someone who can't talk to me properly, doesn't want to see me for a month, yet keeps contacting me, and now says such things? Why am I bothering? I don't even know.

[Elisames]

Sadly he seems to think you should just be healed and he is unsympathetic to the fact you arent. That said, you did kinda drop a little guilt in his lap and he went on the defense for it. Hindsight being 20/20 when he asked if you've been proper you should have simply replied "doing the best I can, what do you need?" Im sure this isnt the first time you two have been down this road.

 

This behavior is identical to my ex's and I was going through the exact same before my recent break up. Emphasizing on ''exactly the same behavior'', and in my opinion it's in his own nature to rise up while making her feel low and guilty about everything.

Whether he still feels a lot for you or not now you know that it's pointless to show weakness to someone who did a 180 degree personality change.

Focus on yourself and your future. He does not deserve someone like you.

I hope this helps as I'm applying the same strategy to myself no matter how much it hurts, just to prove myself how far I can get and who I really am after getting lowered to the point of severe depression.

[Edmund Exley]

No one is telling you you should have to suck it up. Just advice on how to not get into this with him.

[aseeker]

No one is telling you you should have to suck it up. Just advice on how to not get into this with him.

 

Oh I didn't mean you Edmund I meant, my ex seems to think I should suck it up.

[Edmund Exley]

This behavior is identical to my ex's and I was going through the exact same before my recent break up. Emphasizing on ''exactly the same behavior'', and in my opinion it's in his own nature to rise up while making her feel low and guilty about everything.

 

And I was simply trying to explain to her how not to give him the chance to rise up. "Im fine, what is it you need"

[aseeker]

This behavior is identical to my ex's and I was going through the exact same before my recent break up. Emphasizing on ''exactly the same behavior'', and in my opinion it's in his own nature to rise up while making her feel low and guilty about everything.

Whether he still feels a lot for you or not now you know that it's pointless to show weakness to someone who did a 180 degree personality change.

Focus on yourself and your future. He does not deserve someone like you.

I hope this helps as I'm applying the same strategy to myself no matter how much it hurts, just to prove myself how far I can get and who I really am after getting lowered to the point of severe depression.

 

I was already depressive before and ironically, he helped get through most of it. Now it's back because, surprise surprise, he's causing me to doubt myself and my self worth and just basically destroying my self-esteem.

 

I didn't want to show weakness, just let him know I'm flesh and bone and not a doll he can put in a corner and she'll stay there until he comes to pick her up again, give her a shake and throw her away. I tried to be as amicable as possible. Sure, I was defensive at first but after that kind of question how was I supposed to react? I tried to make him see my point of view and he spit on it.

 

He said he "changed" for me, which means he was like this before but to win me over had to polish himself and get a do-over on his personality. Unfortunately, it started to show through and I started to react to it accordingly, so he might have decided it wasn't worth it after all...

[Elisames]

And I was simply trying to explain to her how not to give him the chance to rise up. "Im fine, what is it you need"

And I agree with you 100%, tho I don't share the part of him being unsympathetic to the fact that she's not healed since he just showed that his way of being healed is to make her feel bad over everything.

[aseeker]

I thought of saying I was fine, and being nonchalant about it, but it didn't seem right. Dumb me thought it was best to be sincere and hope for some understanding...

[Elisames]

Exactly my thought, it's pointless to drag this any further, since they have their ''justified'' opinion while we live ours based on their acts.

My heart goes with you and I support you 100%. Time and self-improvement is the best solution.

[Edmund Exley]

And I agree with you 100%, tho I don't share the part of him being unsympathetic to the fact that she's not healed since he just showed that his way of being healed is to make her feel bad over everything.

 

Or in other words "Im healed, you should be too" Which is pretty much how he came accross. She should at least be proper by now. That to me is unsympathetic.

[loveandlive]

Your ex seems so similar to how mine has acted right before and during the break-up, and still now. He's a completely different person (cold, unloving). It seems like he's trying to turn it around on you like it's your fault you two broke up, even though he's the one that did it. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy and seems to be in the angry stage or still has built up resentment over some things. I would do what the others say and leave his stuff outside or with someone else so you don't have to see him again. If he reaches out again, he honestly doesn't deserve a response from you. Maybe after several months have passed and you're in a different place. Good luck with everything!

[aseeker]

Before this, I thought I should at least reply to him when he reached out to me. But now he made it clear himself: get lost, don't speak to me ever again. And I intend to comply with his request, not because he said so but because it's what's best for me right now. Being away from him and all this drama. The only reason I wasn't being able to move on was because he kept entering my life again and again, very subtly, very well-intended it seemed... He never gave me a chance to heal, and still I was supposed to.

[aseeker]

Exactly my thought, it's pointless to drag this any further, since they have their ''justified'' opinion while we live ours based on their acts.

My heart goes with you and I support you 100%. Time and self-improvement is the best solution.

 

Thank you, Elisames, I will need some wisdom right now

 

Or in other words "Im healed, you should be too" Which is pretty much how he came accross. She should at least be proper by now. That to me is unsympathetic.

 

I think he was healed on day one. He said he had been feeling like breaking up for three months, that things weren't right.

 

He also said right after breaking up with me (by text message, btw) that he didn't want any bad blood between us, or bad atmosphere on facebook. Yet he posted a few angry songs and quotes (I saw it that day, never went there again so I don't know what he's been doing). But I was supposed to keep quiet so people would think we were the best of friends, and that we had had a mutual agreement I guess. God, I feel stupid for playing along now.....

 

Not that I would post things about him or us. But he seemed to be afraid that I did, and possibly ruin his reputation or whatever he thought. People were always saying he had changed so much because of me, they were proud. They patted me in the back and everything. It was so weird to be responsible for another person's growth. And now I start to think he holds his change against me, that it wasn't positive at all but negative. And he blames me for changing.

[todayisrough]

He sounds childish! Don't let him make you feel guilty! You were mature and told him you needed space! Sounds like he couldn't handle the guilt and brutal truth and lashed out at you. You didn't deserve it! He does sound like he his hurt also.. Space is definitely what you both need if you want to be friends again someday..

[aseeker]

He sounds childish! Don't let him make you feel guilty! You were mature and told him you needed space! Sounds like he couldn't handle the guilt and brutal truth and lashed out at you. You didn't deserve it! He does sound like he his hurt also.. Space is definitely what you both need if you want to be friends again someday..

 

That's the thing... He was the one who REQUESTED space but never actually gave us much, and now that I ASKED him he acted like this. He's the one who broke up with me and although that doesn't mean he's not hurting, he was the one who made the decision. I asked him not to, I asked for us to give the relationship another try. He refused it completely.

 

He does say he hates "canned speeches" all the time and apparently, when you try to act like an adult, that's a canned speech. If you try to reason against what he thinks, that's a canned speech too.

 

After this, I hardly think we can be friends... I don't trust him, I don't know who is anymore, and he hurt me too much...

[todayisrough]

He can't handle the hurt without lashing out and the *canned speeches* comment is an excuse to not have to deal with it all! Of course you know him better so you will know if I am right or wrong! I think now you need to just do what is right for you! You clearly need some time apart to heal! If he messages you again don't respond if it will hurt you more or bring about another guilt trip or discussion! Think of yourself right now .. All the best!

[aseeker]

He can't handle the hurt without lashing out and the *canned speeches* comment is an excuse to not have to deal with it all! Of course you know him better so you will know if I am right or wrong! I think now you need to just do what is right for you! You clearly need some time apart to heal! If he messages you again don't respond if it will hurt you more or bring about another guilt trip or discussion! Think of yourself right now .. All the best!

 

Indeed. I was always thinking of him or how I would feel if I was in his shoes, contacting him and not getting a response. I thought "that would hurt a lot", so I replied every time. And after all, it didn't matter because he's angry anyway. And I've been receding on my healing as a consequence. Every time he told me something I would get another spark of hope, or at least some peace of mind. I hated the guilt and the hurt of knowing he hated me. But as of now I seem ok, I feel a bit free even. Of course this might be shock and I will probably break down crying soon, but I hope not

 

Thank you for input, I feel you understand this better than I do!

[Legato]

Sounds to me like he wanted you to be all upset and begging for him to come back, and when you told him instead that you just wanted space he got a little mad and defensive.

[nfperception]

How to move on?

 

Give him his stuff back, and stop responding. You won this exchange. He got all pissy because you grew a backbone. Just leave his things outside your door, and don't talk to him anymore. I bet he will initiate contact again, don't bite.

 

I agree with this. He is probably one of "those types of guys" that want anyone and everyone to stroke his ego, he probably tries too hard to impress people. You know, "those types". He probably will contact you again in a couple of months after his bruised ego is healed, just to see if you'll stroke it again.

[nfperception]

Exactly my thought, it's pointless to drag this any further, since they have their ''justified'' opinion while we live ours based on their acts.

My heart goes with you and I support you 100%. Time and self-improvement is the best solution.

 

Honestly... who cares what other people think? I mean... really. People are going to say stuff to cover thier own bottoms, even if they were at fault doing it. That's just how it is. You can be the nicest person in the world, and someone will come along and try to make you out to be a monster.