Not your average letter to your ex thread

[exjuicehead]

ok guys, my ex and I split about 2 months ago. We had an amazing relationship and were very much in love. I had been abusing steroids and she asked me to stop. Please don't lecture me on steroid abuse, trust me, I could do after school specials on the stuff now. I quit when she asked, but because I didn't take medicine afterwards to fix my body chemistry I became an emotional wreck, very depressed and crazily jealous. She stayed with me for about two month of it, but at the time we neither one knew why I was behaving the way I was. We even tried a few times to work it out after we split, but I wasn't better yet. I didn't go see a doctor until after we had completely stopped talking and I have never had the chance to explain. She started seeing someone about 2 weeks ago. Every year in June she goes to lebanon to visit her father for the whole month. I was planning to send this letter then...

 

I understand why you hate me and think I am the worst person in the world. This isn’t an I love you letter. If you read this it’s not intended to make you love me again, but at least you’ll understand why these things happened and maybe not hate me as much. By the time I found out what was going on and how sick I was you wouldn’t listen to me anymore so I never got the chance to tell you this. I agree that breaking up and having no contact was for the best, and after this I’ll go back to it. I’m not asking you to forgive me, date me again, or even be friends with me, I just want to explain why I changed.

 

The doctor called it steroid induced psychosis. I started taking steroids about a month before I moved to Santa Monica. I know you think I took them all the time, but before that I hadn’t taken anything in over two years, and I had never taken Trenbolone Prednisone before. Tren is the most powerful steroid there is, I knew it could cause side effects, but I had no idea that it could cause crazy personality changes. If you look up steroid psychosis you’ll see the symptoms of it are depression, mood swings, paranoia, mania, aggression, overly emotional responses, and suicidal thoughts. All the things I had.

 

When we moved into the apartment together you asked me then to stop taking steroids, I was madly in love with you and I didn’t want you upset so I did, but I told you then it could mess me up. When you take steroids your body stops producing testosterone on its own. Your body can only take in so much testosterone and as time progresses it turns into estrogen, that’s called steroid aromatization. The more estrogen you have the more emotional a person becomes. Estrogen has a really strong effect on a persons thought process and actions, it’s what causes a woman to have mood swings and PMS before her period. You are supposed to take medicine to get everything back to normal. I ordered the meds, but I didn’t realize that when you take something as powerful as tren it takes more than what I took to fix it. Imagine how rough it would be for a guy to suddenly have the worst case of PMS ever for three months and not know why.

 

When I went and saw Dr. Mach he did blood tests on me, my testosterone was so low that it was nearly unreadable and my estrogen was incredibly high. He said the average 30 year old man has between 300-650 Nano Grams of testosterone in their blood, mine was less than 50. The normal amount of estrogen for a woman is around 150-250ng and up to 450 on her period, my estrogen level was over 600. With my test being that low and my estrogen being that high he said it would make me an emotional wreck and he was surprised I was even able to function. If you Google tren paranoia/jealousy/depression, you’ll see guys talking about the same things that happening to them because of tren.

 

The stuff I was taking stays in your system for between 4-5 weeks, after that all the testosterone was gone from my body but the built up estrogen was still there. I stopped on December 2nd when we moved in, so by the second week of January my body was running out of testosterone and really high with estrogen. That’s why we suddenly started having major problems in mid-January. When a man’s test levels drop that low it plays havoc on you mentally and physically. Your muscles start declining rapidly and you start to gain body fat quickly, remember how out of shape I got all the sudden? I went from 175lbs 5% body fat to 164lbs 14% in about 3 weeks. It also makes your tendons and ligaments more brittle and easy to tear, which was probably why I hurt my arm in mammoth. My body became chemically dependent on it and when I stopped taking them my body couldn’t recover on its own. The more time passed the worse I became. I had to take medicine for six weeks and have a shot, when my levels were tested again they were back to normal, and I’m fine now.

 

I’m not some crazy stalker, or a psychopath no matter what you choose to believe. I messed with my brain chemistry and it screwed me up for a while. I wish you would give me some credit for how good I was to you before this happened, back when you were willing to move accross the country just to be with me.

There is honestly no way to say how incredibly sorry I am for the things I did. I look back now, and sick or not, I’m terrified and embarrassed that I was ever capable of it. You never deserved any of it, you weren’t always perfect but you were a great girlfriend. I never wanted to hurt you. Before this I really tried to treat you like a princess, and I thought I did a pretty good job. I saw so much potential in us, we just felt right for each other. I would do anything to go back and stop myself from ever taking the stuff. It was the also the scariest thing I’ve ever been through. A lot of people that this happens to commit suicide before they ever find out they have steroid psychosis, I came very close the night before your dog had surgery, and it’s why I was freaking out so bad the next day. I was really upset when I heard you were back with Eric, but I understand now that I’m thinking clearly. I hurt you and he was there waiting as a familiar distraction and something comfortable. I still believe that if I had not taken that stuff and started freaking out because of it we would still be together.

 

I really didn’t realize how bad I was, it’s amazing that you were able to stay for as long as you did, you must have really loved me a lot at one point. I’m sorry I lost you over this and I hope you can look back now and realize how much I truly loved you at one time. I’m sorry I kept texting you for a while, it was part of all this, I even changed your name in my phone to “don’t call her”, I would feel ok then suddenly I would break down and want to talk to you so bad I couldn’t stop myself. If you stop hating me long enough to really think about the things that happened you’ll know I’m telling the truth. Especially if you take the time to look up what I asked you. You know I was taking steroids, you know how I was before, if I was crazy the whole you would have never fallen for me. Before this we had the perfect relationship. You loved me with all your heart and I did you, I’m sorry I pushed you so far away and into someone else’s arms.

 

I hope if we bump into each other sometime you won’t throw a drink in my face. Please at least realize my intention was never to hurt you. I hope Theo is great, and your dads 50th goes well. I thought you would get a laugh from this Facebook name. Good bye Michelle.

 

Thoughts?

[mhowe]

Very honest and open. Doesn't appear manipulative or trying for anything but an apology on your part and understanding the situation on her parr. You should be proud of your recovery. Best of luck.

[wolflovesmoon]

that`s what the experts calls Mirroring, validating and empathizing

Mirroring: “If I heard you correctly, you said……” or “What I hear you saying is…..” Mirroring simply says that what you said is important to me, and I have heard the content of your words, without judging you, blaming you, or finding solutions for you.

Validating: letting your partner know that you understand the meaning behind her/his words. To validate, you might say, “What you said makes sense to me,” or “I can understand your point of view, “ or “I see what you mean.” It may mean that you as listener have to stretch to understand the meaning, but it is worth doing and becomes an act of compassionate caring toward the other person.

Empathizing and acknowledging the feelings being expressed. It usually can be stated by saying, “I can imagine you are…” ( it’s amazing that you were able to stay for as long as you did) in your case

i will send her the letter if i were you, and i encourage you to send it to her, it will make a huge impact on her, but i am sure she will need to see it in actions not just words, if you manage to meet her ( if you want to get her back) she will see you have changed and i am sure that will work in your advantage, you did great job recovering and i salute you for that.

[diesel85]

Looks good. I would say that you should think long and hard about your true intentions in sending the letter. Is the real hope that you will get her back? How will you feel if she doesn't respond? How will you feel if she responds angrily or dismissively? Are you willing to set yourself back and experience more pain if you don't get the response you are looking for? Does it really MATTER that she knows this information if she is already over you and has moved on?

 

I also wanted to say that I can identify with your situation in some ways too. I didn't ever take steroids, but I train in olympic weightlifting, and anyone involved in strength sports or bodybuilding knows that training can mess with your head if you are not recovering properly. The past few months I trained way too hard all while facing a lot of stress, so I fell into a state of extreme overtraining/under recovery. It go to the point where I had insomnia, intense aches and pains all over, anxiety, and just a general drained confused feeling I can't shake off. I have a feeling my testosterone levels are very low right now and cortisol way up. I also have lost quite a bit of weight and was losing weight before the split too. Partly because of this, I have not been able to cope with my "breakup" situation. This doesn't explain everything nor does it excuse my behavior but I'm going to go to my doctor to get my test and other things checked to confirm my suspicion and help me understand why I reacted the way I did.

[exjuicehead]

Thank you for the responses. Honestly, I miss her, but getting her back at this point isn't my main concern. I feel that she has the right to know why I changed so abruptly from the fun guy she knew to what I became. If she doesn't love me anymore, I'm ok with that, but I don't want her to hate me. I did some terrible things, because I was so depressed and my confidence was so low which is completely the opposite of me normally, I started accussing her all the time. I became extremely paranoid, started going through her phone and facebook, I even went as far as hacking her phone so I could see any messages she deleted. All of these things I did were completely outside of anything I would have normally done. She loved me enough to try to work it out after I did that, but it would be cool for a day or two then I would freak out again. It finally ended with me breaking down at her place after she moved out and crying. She won't respond to any of my text messages or calls, even though I haven't texted her in a few weeks, the last time I did she was rude because she said the only way I'll move on is if she was mean to me. I guess I just want her to know why I changed.

[kitkat77]

i think it's a beautiful letter. i got teary just reading it. i'd send it if i were you, because i put myself in her shoes while reading it, and if i were her, i'd want to get it. nicely done.

 

congratulations on your recovery.

[exjuicehead]

i think it's a beautiful letter. i got teary just reading it. i'd send it if i were you, because i put myself in her shoes while reading it, and if i were her, i'd want to get it. nicely done.

 

congratulations on your recovery.

 

Thank you kitkat77, She will be in lebanon for the entire month of june visiting her father. I wrote it now but I plan to wait and send it as a facebook message while she is there and has time to digest it. My fear is that she wont even read it. I know that she truly cared for me at one point, she begged me to stop doing the things I was doing because I was hurting her with my distrust and accusations. I honestly felt like I was going to marry this girl at one time, I still love her, but it is more about the fact that I don't want someone that I cared so deeply before to hate me. I have never had a situation like this before and hope this letter makes a dent

[tallydoo]

I also think you should send it--I think you would get so much peace from it. Regardless of whether or not she reads it, you will have done what you could to make a hurt better.

 

Go for it, and best wishes!

[exjuicehead]

I also think you should send it--I think you would get so much peace from it. Regardless of whether or not she reads it, you will have done what you could to make a hurt better.

 

Go for it, and best wishes!

Thank you so much, I know sending will at the very least make me feel like I did what I could to make her understand how terrible I feel and sorry I am for what I did. I hope she can someday forgive me, but I also don't want her to question if she did something wrong.

[exjuicehead]

UPDATE:

 

so last Wednesday I bumped into her at the gym. It was the first time we had seen each other since we split up. We made eye contact when I first walked in but neither one of us approached the other. When I left she was still there. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I got a text message from her, she said "Don't come into a gym you know I work out at and give me dirty looks. You won't ruin this place for me."

 

I Didn't respond, and I never gave her a dirty look. I went back to my place and then remembered I wanted to go tanning, when I was pulling out of my complex she ended up right behind me in traffic, I drove to the tanning bed with her following until she was stopped at a light. I went to the tanning bed, tanned, and when I left her car was in the lot because we go to the same place.

 

About 15 minutes after I left the tanning bed she called. I figured she was calling to argue, so I didn't answer. About 45 minutes later I sent her a text and said "Did you call to argue or can we have a normal conversation?"

 

her "I didn't call to yell'"

 

me "Ok, you can give me a call if you like, but I don't want to fight."

 

her "no I dont have anything to say, just felt awkward seeing you."

 

me "ok"

 

her "Why weren't you at work? and I thought you were moving."

 

me "I started a new job, I got the job I wanted so I stayed. When you are ready to hear them there are some things I would like to say."

 

her "go ahead"

 

me "Its to much to text, and I know I cant meet you in person, what if I send you a letter when you are in Lebanon."

 

her "No, why then?"

 

me "Because I want you to heal from the things that happened before, so you can read it with an open mind."

 

her "I'm not interested in dragging this on, the only reason I called is because I bumped into JP (mutual friend) and we were talking about things in our lives. random but it was kinda nice."

 

me "ok I'll send it to your email, I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you, I never wanted to hurt you."

 

her "I'm sorry you did that too."

 

we texted back and forth for about an hour, just small talk about the puppy we had got together. and then she said "no email?"

 

I sent it right after she said that.

 

about 3 hours went by after I told her I just sent it and she called. We talked for about twenty minutes, the first thing she said was I read your letter, I don't really know what to say. I said I dont either. Then we just talked like we used to for the rest of the time, laughing and joking around.

 

We got off the phone, around 10:30.

 

I sent her a picture of her that I had taken months back the next day, it was a funny picture, not like a romantic one. She didn't respond. We didn't speak for three days.

 

Yesterday I sent her a text saying "I hope your day is going well, I was just thinking about you."

 

She replied "just having an anxiety attack, my mom is a nutcase."

 

me "driving you nuts again? happy mothers day lol."

 

her "Yeah, I know, I told her to have fun spending it alone."

 

me "I don't understand why she acts the way she does, sometimes I feel like she is jealous of you."

 

her "she threw all my clean clothes out of the washer all over the floor again, I'm on my way to work and prolly gonna be late."

 

I made a joke about her mom using a movie quote and said, I hope you have a great night at work and the rest of the day is better.

 

her "thank you lol"

 

Are we on the right track, or is she just being nice? I can't really tell, things were great when we talked on the phone, but when she didn't respond to the text for three days I thought maybe we wouldn't talk anymore.

 

any thought?

[mhowe]

That email is a lot to.digest.

Keep it light. Don't over text.

[exjuicehead]

Thank you for the response, I'm happy to hear a womans point of view. At what point should I stop initiating the contact and wait and see if she responds?

[mhowe]

Right about now! You've had good exchanges, she will be going away soon...keep it easy and.light. See how she responds...or doesn't.

[exjuicehead]

Right about now! You've had good exchanges, she will be going away soon...keep it easy and.light. See how she responds...or doesn't.

 

Thank you!