kitkat77

thank you for this. i appreciate it. thankfully, i've already blocked him on FB, but he has never had much of a social media presence, anyway. so, there aren't many opportunities for me to see what he's up to. he rarely ever gets on FB, so he probably doesn't even know he's been blocked! lol. i'm sorry, i'm not familiar with the book you mentioned. could you elaborate? i'm getting out of town for the weekend, and i think that will be good. i need a change of scenery!

i've gone out on two dates in the last week. two very different people. different from each other, and different from my ex. i enjoyed getting out and meeting a couple of new people, but i'm not interested. my thoughts kept wandering to him, and wishing he was there instead. so, no more dates for a while. i thought i was ready, but i guess i'm not. i'm tired of this. i've been so angry at him for the last week. he's already replaced me, and he's taking her to the places we used to go. here i am, 6 weeks later, still hurting. i've been grieving way too long. first a miscarriage back in march, and just when i was starting to feel better from that, BAM. he drops the bomb that he's met someone else, and started sleeping with her prior to us ending for good. i can't understand how this kind of stuff happens. i'm just furious, every day. and then i get furious for allowing him to make me angry. things went so bad, so fast. up until january, i thought we were indestructible. i WILL NOT call him to tell him what a jerk i think he is. no way.

I've just decided that until the thought of seeing him in person doesn't nearly cause an anxiety attack, I'm not dating anyone. I handled the no reply to my text yesterday pretty well, but there's no way that I'm ready to run in to him. Not by a long shot. Hang in there, you can do it!

i was having a really good day today. i woke up without that sick feeling inside, i didn't think about him every minute of the day, i looked pretty and was upbeat. then i passed his street on the way home (which after nearly 4 weeks, i'm sick of taking a stupid long way on one-way streets just to avoid it. i can't do it forever) and thought i saw a different car backing out of his driveway. the adrenaline-fueled sick feeling came back in an instant, but then i realized it was the neighbor next door. that was all it took, and i was hit with the fact that i'm not on the upswing yet. THIS SUCKS. three weeks, three days since BU, 15 days NC.

Today has been hard. It's day 3 after I broke my original NC on Thursday at day 9. Nights like tonight make me remember when he'd come over after work and sit on my porch with me. He would bring a bottle of wine and we would catch up on each others day. I miss him so much it physically hurts in my chest. I'm finally getting one meal a day down, but I don't even taste it. I keep going over all the things that went wrong. I'd go back and do things differently if I could. Times like these make me feel weak, but I won't contact him again. I just hate thinking that someone else is in his house, his bed, wrapped up in his arms like I was. I managed to make it so far into adulthood without any drama, then I loose a pregnancy and the love if my life, all within 6 weeks. How do people make it through this stuff? I wish I could figure it out. I wish I could make myself not care...

i went 9 days, beginning on april 15th, then broke NC on thursday. stupidly drunk texted him, late after being out and having a few, asking him to come over. he said no, he knows it hurts, but he needs more time apart from me before we can try to resume a friendship. friendship. not my favorite word right now. there has been a big music festival going on in our town today. he has missed it every year because of his work schedule. i was always disappointed in previous years because we never got to spend the day together, enjoying the festival because of his stupid job. today, i got sad for a minute, thinking about the fact that he was missing it again. then it turned to anger because i even got sad about that. then i was resentful because of EVERYTHING he missed out on with me because of his job. i ended up just getting too overwhelmed with sadness by the early evening that i had to come and get in bed. i can hear the music from my house, it's just a few blocks away. my friends are there, they've been texting me to see where i am. i put on my sweats and got in to bed. if i had stayed any longer i would have had a panic attack. i know i should control these emotions better than this, and not give in to them. i look forward to this festival every year, and i'm so angry with myself for letting him ruin it for me. he's a workaholic, if he's even feeling a fraction of the sadness i'm feeling, he's ignoring it by working. the not knowing what he's feeling/thinking/doing is the worst. "it's not that i'm not in love with you..." "part of me wants to work this out, and part of me doesn't think we can..." "the fact that i had sex with someone else and enjoyed it tells me there's something wrong with us." SERIOUSLY? and HE needs time apart from ME. whatever. i guess i'm on day 2, after my little relapse at the end of day 9. i just really wish i could remember why it wasn't working, so i could knock him off the d*** pedestal already...