Dumpers and their need for "rebound"?

[heartbrokengir]

I know that most of us are probably "dumpees" (I'm starting to hate this word), and some of us want to find a rebound while some don't. However, what I don't understand is why do the dumpers almost always find a rebound? I mean if they aren't feeling as much pain as we do, why the need to find someone to mask it? Shouldn't it be us who needs to find someone? I don't understand.. maybe I'm generalizing and maybe this questions has been answered before, but I thought, I'll ask.

[savignon]

The dumper could be happy to be moving on and anxious to keep looking for a more suitable partner. They might not be "masking" anything at all.

[seoulmate]

^^ exactly...

 

The presumption that someone is masking an emotion or even rebounding is just that, an assumption.

 

We often project our own pain on others hoping (or expecting) them to follow similar timeline sin healing. When truth is, and I've been there as a dumper, I have zero emotion or guilt from leaving a relationship that had run its course and where I had no emotional investment or attachment too whatsoever.

 

For me, it ended and I dont even know when I "checked out"...I just knew that the person I was with was not suitable for me. If they hurt, I was apologetic but I can't change the way I felt about them - even having tried.

 

What people called a "Rebound", for me, was not a rebound at all. I just found someone that I really liked and I wante dto date and if that happened a week after or a month after another relationship ended it really made no difference. I was not in some predetermined mourning period where I needed to heal.

[heartbrokengir]

You had zero emotion or guilt after you leave someone? WOW

[savignon]

You had zero emotion or guilt after you leave someone? WOW

 

Guilt about what and how can you say that knowing absolutely nothing about their relationship?

I didn't feel "guilty" leaving my last relationship either and moved on pretty quickly. I was excited to find what I'm looking for which I didn't have in that relationship.

[heartbrokengir]

Guilt about what and how can you say that knowing absolutely nothing about their relationship?

I didn't feel "guilty" leaving my last relationship either and moved on pretty quickly. I was excited to find what I'm looking for which I didn't have in that relationship.

 

 

"I have zero emotion or guilt" that's what the user said that I didn't understand. As in no guilt hurting the other person and felt no emotions after leaving? Obviously, I don't know their relationship, if it was an abusive one or there was cheating involved then I agree.

[seoulmate]

Yes, you read that correctly....I have no guilt in leaving a relationship I wasn't happy being in. Was there cheating or abuse? No, not whatsoever.

 

I just wasn't happy. I didn't just "give up"...I tried to make it work in ways that were fulfilling to both of us, I hope. It just didn't work.

 

And if you try and it doesn't work then you can walk away without guilt.

 

I did not feel any emotion as I was leaving because I had exhausted myself of that prior to it ending. You wish the person well in their life and you move on.

 

We are all seeking our own happiness and must walk that road alone until we find a partner that brings happiness into our life and allows us to hopefully make them happy.

 

I'm just saying that people don't necessarily walk through the steps of a break-up as you began this thread with...there often is no need to heal as they have already moved-on. And assuming they need to heal or even trying to guess exactly when they had moved on is fruitless...

[heartbrokengir]

I think I know what you mean now when you are referring to your past relationship

[rigguy]

Not to generalize, by no means this is the case with all dumpers, but many times people that are unhappy in relationship have checked out for a while and have already come accross a new interest before ending it. Doesn't mean its a rebound, only means they stuck around until something more suitable come up, for one reason or another.

[getwhatyougive]

What if the person breaking up had appeared to still be emotionally invested in the relationship even leading up to the break up? My ex cried on the phone to me about us breaking up and how he loved me and didn't want me to think he didn't etc. but he saw no way we could get around our fighting and felt we had tried. I don't feel he "checked out" long ago. I can't explain it, but I feel like even to the end, he still loved me. I don't know how he feels now, but he initiated contact with me a week ago and I ignored him.

[rigguy]

Sometimes people are super emotional due to knowing their partner will be crushed, sometimes stone cold, depends on the person. Plenty of folks on this form who initiated break up either felt they were forced to break up or saw no future also. The only advice is that if third part is involved, best is to remove yourself from situation altogether.

[datcloud1]

"And if you try and it doesn't work then you can walk away without guilt." I agree with this, especially if you've tried and it's clear where the relationship is headed regardless. Also true that a lot of times, people start withdrawing long before the actual event of the break up. Dunno too many who just suddenly one day make the stark decision to end it without having went over it and pondered it in their heads for days, even weeks before carrying through with it.