Kind of new problem I guess...

[Caldus]

I think I am starting to convince myself that the type of girl I am looking for to be in a relationship with just does not exist in my local area. If they do exist then they would have to be taken. And I seriously do not consider looks as an important factor when it comes to finding a girl to be with in a relationship. I am just different than most guys my age in many ways and it is not a bad thing. Just that I am much different. The problem is that I continuously convince myself that I will not find my soulmate here at this college I attend. I want a girl who is sweet, caring, loving, goal-oriented, has a neat outlook on life, and interesting. I think part of the problem is that I am very picky (and again I don't mean looks) despite the fact that I've never been in a relationship. I guess I am just trying to look for the best rather than settle for less. I feel like I am searching for something that doesn't exist here. Of course another problem with me is that I am not outgoing and rarely noticed by any girls. I do have confidence in myself but don't have confidence that I will meet the right girl for me here on campus. Any advice?

[catgirl82]

just give it time. i recently graduated from college and felt that way for the first 3 years. finally at the end of my junior year, boom!! i suddenly met my current boyfriend who was everything i was looking for and nothing like the other guys at school. it happens when you least expect it, when youre not looking. just sit back and enjoy your college experience, you will meet more girls that way, and hopefully a great one will end up right under your nose!!

[sole]

ctgirl is right it'll probably come along when you least expect it. And it's okay to be picky. I'm extremely picky. But I think if somebody isn't pickey then they don't know what the want out of a boyfriend or girlfriend.

They'll go for anything.

[Caldus]

So do you guys know if this happens to a lot of people who are in college? Do they find their soulmate while in school or do they usually find them after they graduate?

 

And does it make a difference whether I've been in a relationship before or not?

[shes2smart]

Ah, I remember college.....

 

Which is my shorthand way of saying "these things take time."

 

My definition of a "soulmate" and the "ideal relationship" when I was in college were markedly different than what that picture looked like when I (finally...) got married at the age of 38.

 

Did I have relationships during the 20 years between 18 and 38? You betcha....one lasting 7 years all the way to ones that could best be described as "3 weeks without a future." Every one of those experiences helped further define and refine what was going to work for me in terms of a life partner.

 

Just about the time I seriously thought that guy couldn't possibly exist, along came this 26 year old who lived 2 hours' drive away and struck me as being an arrogant little twit. I mean, I had gone so far as to map out the next 10-15 years of my life as if I was going to be single -- that meant getting my finances in shape to buy a house on my own, drawing up a will (just in case) and figuring out who was going to take care of those issues if I would die or become disabled....

 

I thought he was too young & lived too far away (not to mention that arrogant little twit part). But he was persistent....kept IM'ing me on Yahoo Messenger for about 3-4 weeks...we talked on the phone a few times and I realized I was thinking "arrogant little twit" because I couldn't hear the laughter in his voice when he'd type these outrageous statements on IM. We met in person. A week later he proposed. We got married 8 months after that. It's now a squeak over 2 years since the wedding and I am still completely blown away by this relationship and by him and how amazingly well we fit together.

 

So, I would suggest to you that these things take time -- you may think you're ready to meet that girl you seek, but in reality, you may not be ready -- or that girl may not be ready to meet you yet. I mean....when I was 19, my future husband was only 8 years old....I coulda been his babysitter!

 

In the meantime, work on yourself -- learning to love and accept yourself first -- for we can only love and accept others to the extent we can love and accept ourselves. Get the basics of your own life in order -- establishing a career path, becoming financially independent...for it is in those things (as well as others) that we show respect and care for ourselves. And learn from ALL the relationships you have -- friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships -- what sorts of things you need from other people in order to feel loved and appreciated.

 

We attract who we are, so it is in our best interest to always strive for self-respect, self-acceptance and self-love. Whole, sane, balanced and healthy -- in ALL ways...physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.

[Caldus]

Thanks for that post.

 

But still, what if you've never even been in relationships throughout high school and the first year of college?

 

I mean I have great respect for myself. I am in good shape financially and possibly getting a 4.0 GPA for the third semester in a row (dunno about this one class I have this semester though, LOL), I have a good relationship with my family and especially close with my mom, and recently had a very cool internship job where I got to learn some stuff relating to my field (computer science). I am starting to become a lot more comfortable under my own skin than I ever was before. I've become more focused on improving myself for the last two years. I've been doing a great workout for my upper body every day, continuously trying to do as well as I can in school, trying to become more sociable, becoming more open-minded, and just generally becoming more happy with myself than ever before.

 

So I guess it's just a matter of waiting right? Should I just continue to be patient and just let love come to me or should I try to find love in some way or another? I know many people say love comes when you least expect it but I figure that it is just a saying. Everything should fall into place correct?

 

Sorry for the kinda long post.

[shes2smart]

So I guess it's just a matter of waiting right? Should I just continue to be patient and just let love come to me or should I try to find love in some way or another? I know many people say love comes when you least expect it but I figure that it is just a saying. Everything should fall into place correct?

 

Call it waiting while being aware.

 

Have you ever done any work with affirmations or envisioning your future?

 

If you're ready to do this sort of thing, you can witness some amazingly cool stuff.

 

First you need to figure out for yourself what your "ideal relationship" looks like -- does that mean being married? long term commitment? living under the same roof or not? What kind of qualities should this girl have? Do you see yourself having children with her? How many? Get as detailed as you possibly can....and this is a write it down kind of exercise.

 

Once you know what your relationship goals are, it becomes much easier to decide who you should actively pursue. Example: Even though I was plotting out my life as if I would be single, I always had it in the back of my mind that I ideally wanted to be married. I decided I would not invest any unnecessary time in relationships with men who did not have the goal of marriage in mind. So I was open to the idea of being in a relationship, I put myself in places where I would encounter single men - i.e. letting friends know I was interested in dating - (after all they had other friends, brothers, cousins, sons, etc.) and chatting online.

 

No matter how detailed your description/vision is, you will always leave out something. This is where any relationships leading up to your goal will teach you many, many things. Never look at a break-up as a failure. Relationships that don't work out are a way of showing you what you don't want and what won't work for you -- sometimes it's just as important to understand that as it is to know what you DO want. So you need to have a little flexibility in that ideal picture, but you have to figure out what items are "must haves" and are not negotiable.

 

I never, ever figured I'd end up marrying someone 11 years my junior. In my own head, I just couldn't see a guy that age being anything close to what I wanted. However, I knew that who he is was more important than the numbers on his birth certificate. So even though on the surface he didn't meet some of my criteria -- "too young" and "lived too far away" -- he did have the same relationship goal -- "wants to be in a marriage relationship" -- and THAT was the really important part. Incidentally, I credit the fact that he was raised by his grandparents as the primary reason he is more mature and responsible than most 20-somethings.

 

You can't just sit on the sidelines and expect a relationship to come to you. At the same time, you can't make searching for a relationship the focus of your entire life either. Somewhere between the two extremes is a balance. It's tough to find, and it's kind of a weird place (mentally) to live, but I think it's in that zone where a healthy relationship can be formed. It's the kind of place where you're planning out the details of your life as if you would be single, yet knowing in the back of your mind you want a certain type of relationship. It's the kind of place where you're open to meeting/dating new people, yet you know you won't waste your time or theirs if you don't want the same thing. It's the kind of place where you KNOW you'd be fine on your own and you don't want to be in just any relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, yet you'd welcome the chance to be in the RIGHT relationship.

 

I read a lot of books on the topic in the years I was single and trying to figure out how to be in a "whole, sane, balance & healthy" kind of relationship. These are the ones I found most helpful and the ones I found to be true for me. They may not contain anything you will find useful or true for you...then again, they might.

 

In no particular order:

 

"The Unimaginable Life" - Kenny & Julia Loggins link removed=1100600862/sr=2-2/ref=pd_ka_b_2_2/002-4372463-5555248

 

"Love 101: To Love Oneself Is The Beginning Of A Lifelong Romance" - Peter McWilliams link removed=1100601364/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/002-4372463-5555248

 

"Finding Each Other" - Don & Mary Kelly link removed=1100601430/sr=1-3/ref=sr_1_3/002-4372463-5555248?v=glance&s=books This one has a lot of self-work...when I read it and did the exercises I attracted several relationships where I learned what I didn't want...so be advised that these techniques may initially look like they're not working because these techniques are "clearing the mirror" or "taking out the garbage" first. In the larger picture, I had to have those experiences - take out my own garbage - BEFORE I could have the experience I ideally wanted.

 

Any of Peter McWilliams "101 Series" ("Life 101", "Wealth 101", "You Can't Afford The Luxury of a Negative Thought", "Do It! Let's Get Off Our Buts") books will go into great detail on how to work with affirmations to create whatever you want -- from material things to something as intangible as a relationship.

 

I'll be the first to tell you this kind of thing is not for everyone. Those who aren't open to the idea that you can create your own reality will find these ideas simplistic, unrealistic, idiotic and just about any other negative-tic. But if you speak this language, and you do the work (mostly on yourself) you can witness the most amazing things in your life.

 

By the way -- I never dated in when I was in high school, in my first 2 years at college I was too focused on getting into my chosen career field to bother with dating or creating a relationship. Crushes? Sure. Stupid flings that you could have then because HIV wasn't in the picture and the only thing you could catch that they couldn't cure was herpes, but that wouldn't kill you anyway? Yeah. Almost all of my dating/relationship experience happened after I was 20.

 

Sorry for the kinda long post.

 

Long post? Oh, please...I could go on for another page or two...this IS the short version for me.

[Caldus]

Thanks, I may have to try and read these books some time.

 

The only thing that bothers me every day now is that I see so many 16, 17, and 18 year olds (people younger than me) that have already been in long term relationships and seem to be so happy. So many people younger than me have great social lives too. It just continues to bother me that I am 19 years old and I've never been in a relationship, don't really have a good social life yet, and still a virgin.

 

I really do appreciate that you take the time to help me out. That means a lot to me that there are still people out there who have a great heart.

[shes2smart]

The only thing that bothers me every day now is that I see so many 16, 17, and 18 year olds (people younger than me) that have already been in long term relationships and seem to be so happy. So many people younger than me have great social lives too. It just continues to bother me that I am 19 years old and I've never been in a relationship, don't really have a good social life yet, and still a virgin

 

Keep in mind that you're seeing things from the outside. I'm not saying the people you see aren't happy -- what I'm saying is things aren't always as they appear on the surface. It's possible they are as happy as you imagine or as you see...it's also possible that they're not...further it's possible that you wouldn't be happy if you were in their place.

 

The other thing to keep in mind is very, very few (if any) of those 16 to 20 year old couples you see are still going to be together in another 5 or 10 years. It does happen, but it's very rare because people go through so many changes from their late teens to their late 20's. I saw a number of people I went to high school with get married in their early 20's...by the time we got to our 10 year reunion, almost all of them were divorced. By the time the 20 year reunion rolled around, many of them were on marriage #2. We had a graduating class of about 350. Of those there was one couple who started dating freshman year in high school and was still married at the 20 year reunion. They are the exception rather than the rule, and I couldn't tell you if they were still in the relationship because they loved each other and wanted to be there or if there were other factors, such as family or their children (they had 4 kids), that kept them together.

 

If you're in college, that is really one of the easier times in your life you can meet people and have a social life. Join one of the student organizations that interests you and get involved...for me it was the campus radio station which served both social and career needs. If you're shy and/or basically a loner you'll have to push your comfort zone a little. There's no need to be someone you're not, but a little widening of your boundaries never hurts. Yes, it will feel awkward, and yes, you're going to do things and wind up embarrassing yourself....so what? It won't kill you, and really, we all go through similar things.

 

The vast majority of the time people are nice. Most of the time if you approach a woman and are friendly and well-mannered, she'll be civil and polite back, at a bare minimum. If not, you probably don't want anything to do with her anyway....who needs rude people in thier life? Again, this is where getting involved in a student organization will help a lot -- you've already established a common interest whether it's the campus radio station, newspaper, ROTC, student government, or whatever.

 

I know of no other way to make friends/meet potential dates than to get yourself out there where the people are and interact with them. I'm basically a loner, so I understand how difficult this can be, but it really does get easier with practice.

 

best of luck to you.