admitting faults to get her back

[caliboy]

I went through a break up, and lately I'm realizing what I was actually doing wrong in the relationship that drove her away. To this day when we talk, she'll occasionally bring up reasons as to why she broke it off. If I were to write her a letter, telling her that I know what I did wrong and what went wrong, would this turn her off or help possibly mend things?

[pcardoso]

Hi caliboy,

 

First of all, congratulations. It’s a major step, one can go back and analyse what went wrong and our quote of responsibility (if done with objectivity). It means you have grown (emotionally) and in the future (with you ex or with another wonderful girl), you will be stronger and hopefully act in a different way.

I don’t see how admitting your past “mistakes” would push her off. If so, face it like a signal that she doesn’t deserve you. However be careful about the way you do this. Tell her you’re sorry but don’t press her and don’t expect anything. I mean, after writing a letter, back off and let her decide. Don’t phone her to ask her opinion, don’t send her more letters, e-mails, etc. You’ve done your part let her do “the rest”, even that means no more contact.

In the meantime, enjoy your life, your work, friends… and always smile. By now, I think you’ve already learn the power of a positive attitude.

 

Good luck!

[SwingFox]

Hi caliboy,

 

pcardaso is very right. I support and underwrite his comments for a 100%. I would like to add the question, though, if everything is really your fault. May be it is, who knows, but if it isn't, there's really something to think about that, too. Where two people break up, two people are actually miscommunicating.

 

My suggestion is that you not only address your own mistakes, which is GREAT, but that you also think what went wrong with her. That will help you and benefit you in getting together again.

 

I hope that this will help you and I wish you good luck

 

~ SwingFox ~

[caliboy]

Thank you both very much for your feedback. To answer you question Swingfox, not everything was my fault. Although I'm at a point where she's been hurt, so I need to be here to gain her trust back, even though I lost a little trust in her in the process. There was a lack of communication on both our parts, but I mainly made the mistakes that led to the break up.

 

So what I'm concerned about now, is how I approach her with this letter. I feel as though my letter to her should be only about the mistakes I made (even though there are things about her we would need to talk about, but I figure we'll cross that bridge when or if we get to it). I want to admit my mistakes, but is it a bad idea to admit my mistakes and give a reason as to why I made them (ie, dependant on her cause I had nothing or nobody else around, etc - I just don't want to sound like I'm giving an excuse)? Also, do I avoid saying anything like 'I don't know how you still feel about me, but if it is meant to be it will happen' and telling her that I know what true love is and means (I really do)???

 

To let you in on a couple of the issues that I realize were hurting her, mainly my fear of commitment and my dependency on her - yes two very bad things I know. I moved down south to live with her, I didn't know anybody else around, didn't have a job and basically relied on her for everything. In the process of becoming dependant on her, I became jealous (when I know there was nothing to worry about), and when I went home for the holidays, I called her A LOT and at horrible hours thinking there was someone else there, wanting to talk to her, etc. Very bad, I know, and I understand why she broke things off. I would've broken up with me too.

 

I didn't commit to her (when she gave me all of herself), because I feared being committed. It's not that I wanted to be with other girls, I loved my ex and wanted to be with her, I just wasn't ready to make the next step. Obviously this hurt her, because she had given all of herself to me.

 

I know no girl wants a guy like this, but the funny thing is that I was never like this through the majority of our relationship. So my dilemma now is if I admit that I became dependant on her (leading to jealousy and insecurity) and that I wasn't ready to commit (but would have eventually), would I be completely turning her off from me? And how do I gain her trust back?

[pcardoso]

Hello again,

 

Like you know, it’s very difficult giving specific advice, without knowing the people involved or the situation, but, in my opinion, a simple sorry is enough. There’s no need on explaining one by one your mistakes neither pointing the finger to hers. That, I think, it’s more appropriate for a future conversation, but – and this is very important – without accusations.

 

Commitment. I’m lost here. So please, try to explain to a Portuguese girl Serious: may be this is due to different cultures, but for me, living together, it’s a commitment. It’s also a marriage. In that sense (and admitting differences of concepts), “fear of commitment” in this case is a false question.

 

Believe me, I know what you’ve been trough, because (like I’ve told you before) my situation is very similar to yours but I think you’re missing the point – YOURSELF. This is hard to say, and even more to heard, but at this moment and after reading your posts here, I don’t think you’re ready to get back to your ex. My advice to you is: work a little more on yourself. Anxiety is a “awful enemy”. And remember this familiar line "If you love something let it go, If it comes back to you it’s yours, If it doesn’t, it never was."

 

Good luck