Falling out of love, what to do?

[maybe_crazy]

I'm new to this forum, and I am here because I'm looking for guidance. I have been married for 4 years, and have known my wife for 7 years.

 

Weird, I don't seem know where to start, so if I jump around a bit please bare with me. I think I'm falling out of love with my wife, my wife is a caring person and treats me very well. But for the past year she has been extremly depressed with herself, and I have been trying to help her but I seem to have run out of gas. I saw a different life for us when we got married. But I feel like my feelings are "bad" that I am thinking mean things. I have a good career and I thought in time so would my wife, but she is really struggling and has no direction, I don't blame her or anything but it's been bothering me for a few months. I don't have a very good sex life with my wife for the past 2 years, I have talked and talked with her about our sex life, I need more than "hopefully" once a month when she feels like it or is in the mood. She says she doesn't like her body, and feels a lack of confidence and has a whole bag of hang ups becuase how she grew up in a strict catholic house, couldn't where make-up, buy nice dresses, stuff like that. I have tried to support her, and understand though I still don't for some of the things. I'm open to sex and my body and being naked, maybe it's a guy thing. Anyhow.. She has talked about ending her life on some occasions but I don't thik she ever would I think they are just ideas, I grew up with my grand mother uttering those words "i wish i was dead" almost every Sunday dinner, so to me it doesn't really mean much and I know she won't anyways, but it bothers me. I have also talked with her about that also and suggest that she should speak with someone "like a doctor". She seems better in the depression area for the last month, but she always seems to slip back into it. My wife is a very fragile person, can't take any kind of critisum. We don't have any children.

 

Anyhow. I don't know if my falling out of love is temporary or has been coming for sometime. We are really good friends, we tell each other everything, but romance is almost non-existant. I don't want to sound like I am putting all the blame on my wife, I'm sure I have some issues too. I am affraid that the love for her is slipping away, I'm affraid of ever mentioning it to her, I'm affraid maybe I'm not sure.

 

I have never cheated on her, or have any woman in mind, other than what set me off to look at my feelings, I saw a woman, for the 2nd time, I never thought I'd see her again, (k saw her at a resturante) not saw her and was cheating (she works at the resturante). I was in a dream land, not that she was super pretty, but I was imediately attracted to her, in more than a sexual way, I was taken by her smile and gentleness. Since that day I have been confused, I have not revisited the resturante under fears I may approach her. I don't believe in divorce, but how can you have marriage without love or romance. I am very confused.

 

Thanks for listening (reading)

 

Crazy...

[Heatrae]

What a tough place to be in, Friend. First let me say Prozac will work wonders for her psyche. Get her to commit to 6 months of mes and if she doens' t feel better about herself, then other means will be explored. But get her to at least commit to that. She will be amaze dwhat this little pill can do for her. It will help her to expereince normal emotions. She also needs to get off her butt and lose some weight if she doesn't like how she looks.

Cheating may be a very scary thought I know. I have been th OTHER woman to a Catholic man for over a year now. He was able to fall in love with me due to a miserable 12 marriage to a woman who has not grown with him and he too is not in love with his wife. But like you, doens't believe in divorce. He is doomed. DOn't be doomed and don't wreck her by cheating since that's the only thing the Church wil condone a dicorve for. Exhaust everything. She has to be willing to go to therapy. She can't just sit there and think this will get better on it's own and YOU can't do it for her. She's in this life with you. You can do this...stay away from the resteraunt. talk to your wife...have her make short committments so she doesn't feel overwhlemed. You are NOT doomed. Give it a year in your head, with honest effort and then make your decision after seeing ho far you've come.

[av8ion]

I think you should say to your wife "I'm afraid we might be in a rut" and then suggest marraige counseling. Attraction is a chemical thing--those endorphines don't last more than a few years. Then either real love--commitment, sacrifice, *work*--kicks in or one partner starts to stray or walk. If you want to make your marraige the best it can be, then go see a counselor now before either of you start thinking of an affair. Believe it or not--the feelings you have right now are how it all starts out. Don't be afraid to approach your wife with this--be afraid to *not* approach her with this. How can she be offended when you say that you want to build a closer and happier marraige? The counselor can get her into gear as far as a depression screening goes--she might need to hear it from someone other than you.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[maybe_crazy]

I will talk with my wife about marriage counseling, and give it a shot. My wife won't take any medication for depression, I kind-of agree with that, I don't think you should go around in life drugged up, but maybe in some cases that is all that will work.

 

I guess my wife could stand to lose a few pounds, but she really isn't to much over weight, she just doesn't ever feel sexy, or it's hard to explain becuase I don't quite understand it myslef, I guess it has to do with self love or whatever.

 

I appreciate the comments and both your views. Hopefully we can work this out. It felt good to get this out to strangers, I have discussed this with my friends, but friends usually stay on your side and the advice is often presented in a biased fashion.

[Heatrae]

Good luck! But you must know that antidepressants do NOT dope you up. They are not narcotics. Before rushing to judgement, explore the different ones on the internet so you and your wife can make an informed decision. That's why I said to have her committ to 6 months of meds, whetehr it be Zoloft, Prozac, Welbtrin, etc...At the very least, have her scheudle an appointment with her PCP to discuss the possibilty of depression and maybe take an assessment. The doctor can in more detail share info about the drugs, and if the two of you have already researched them, she will totally be able to follow the conversation. My bset friend would NEVER have gone on prozac because she was in DENIAL that she needed the help. She finally saw a Dr. and after two weeks of Prozac she called and thanked me and said the following, "now I know what it feels like to be you. To experience normal emotions. I feel better than I have in years."

[gracee]

maybe_crazy,

its a good thing that you open up such too personal problems, i commend you for bringing it out, it shows that your wife is really suffering from her personal dilemmas, what you have to do is to get rid of the girl in the restaurante and focus in trying to save your marriage,using the principle of exhaustion, i believe that your love for your wife is still there, its just that it was overlooked by her sillyness.try to make your wife feel that she's everything in you and about your sexlife, try to make her feel hot, go to romantic places, where there's no one knows the both of you, well it would help her reveal the real her if no one knows her. and asked her to have a child, if she can't let assistance from a doctor be, but if you can stilldo it please do..

gracee

[davidsbaby]

as already stated antidepressants do not dope you up(I might be willing to stay on them if they did ) They do interfere w/libido in some cases, but seeing how that's already a problem... It does sound as if your wife is seriously depressed and counseling would be the best place to start. Maybe you could find a form of exercise you both could partake in. Does she realize that you are unhappy? She might be more willing to try to help herself if she knows that this is very serious and could very well result in seperation or divorce. While I fully understand depression and perhaps saying such things could upset her, I would resort to such talk if she shows no means of trying to help herself. If she is not willing to help herslf HOW can you help her really. You can offer your love and support, but she needs to get off her duff and realize things are not going to get better by doing nothing. ANd it sounds as if she procrastinates~fear of failure perhaps. I don't know I am no shrink , but I suffer from depression and it's a bit@h. But I deal w/it so I don't fall into a rut. I really recommend zoloft or such it can be a life saver. It doesn't work overnight but the results are amazing. No offense to the post above me, but a child is the last thing you need to bring into the picture right now. That is insane. Good Luck to yoou and your wife.