Please help, I need advice...

[Glitter_Girl_4]

Ok.. When I met my bf 4 years ago we would go out drinking with friends quite a bit. It got old and since I was struggling with an alcoholic mother we decided we didnt like drinking anymore.

 

In these 4 years we really have only gotten drunk together maybe 4 times. About a year and a half ago we decided to start doing more things on our own. Since he didnt have any friends he would go hang out with his brother. They would go to the bars but he always only ever had one drink and was home by around 1:30am

 

He ended up moving out and getting his own place and he started hanging out with a friend and they have gone to the bars maybe 5 times in the last year and a half. They would take cabs and actually get drunk. Im a little hurt over this because he KNOWS how betrayed I feel by my mother, I dont want to marry another alcoholic. He never wants me to join him. Only once was I invited (August) and I didnt go cause I was tired. He said he doesnt like the way I am when I drink.

 

We have been having some major problems the last 3 weeks and apparently he was going out with his roommate to the bars on Saturday night. I havent asked him about this because I want to not care. Well I spoke to him briefly today and I noticed he had a scratch on his neck and I asked him how he got it. He said some big guy in a uniform at the bar last night scratched him when they hugged. I asked him why he was out at a bar last night (cause he felt like it) and why did this guy hug him (cause we were drunk).

 

I am SOOOO UPSET!! I dont think I should be but I cant help it.

1. I thought we didnt like drinking so often

2. He doesnt have the money to be wasting at bars

3. He will NEVER stay out past like 10pm with me on a weekday cause he works.

 

What does this mean? With the problems we have been having I KNOW I cant ask him about last night. I cried the whole way home. Could he really be out with some chick? I dont think he would ever cheat on me and some of his friends say the same thing.

[cleverme123]

I wouldn't jump to an immediate conclusion that he is cheating...But to the last part saying he was out becuase he felt like it and some guy scratched his neck....

Well I am a non drinker and watched my friends casually get blasted. When people drink they do stupid things they don't think about who their hurting (if they remember) and then make excuses to cover their behavior.

I would say that if he continues to hang at the bars he is obviously picking drinking with his friends over you. Maybe he found some new found freedom or what not in it and realizes he doesn't want to be tied down, yet at the same time he don't want to ruin a good thing with you. I would start really watching his actions closely and if your gut tells you it's wrong, then it's time to move on.

[San123]

I understand how you feel about the whole having alcoholic parents and not wanting him to become an alcoholic... Both of my parents are and it would result in physical abuse etc. I was afraid my b/f would be the same way when he got drunk, like want to hit me and stuff, but it was totally different. I have come to realize that, but I still don't like it if he drinks a lot. I think your boyfriend is just going out and being a young guy who wants to hang out with his friends and drink, it doesn't sound like he would be an alcoholic.. (5 times in the last year and a half) he just wants to go out and have fun with his friends every once in a while

I agree with cleverme, not to jump to conclusions, just watch out for more signs....

[Glitter_Girl_4]

Im sure that is true but its so odd that we get into a fight and right away they start going to the bars again. They were supposed to go two weekends ago but apparently didnt after all. So they went this Saturday and then yesterday. I just thought that was a little much. Im sure he isnt cheating but what if he meant a chick on the weekend and went back last night to see her.

 

Im stressin myself out about this. He said he would call me later. I assumed that meant to hang out but he hasnt called yet. He is one hour late from when he usually calls.

[Glitter_Girl_4]

I finally called him because I thought of something sure enough.. he had fallen asleep when he got home from work... so tired from his night out partying

 

I asked if it was going to be a weekly habit and he said he didnt know but if he wanted it to be it would...

 

He invited me over to eat and asked me to pick up a movie.. he isnt interested in going out tonight...

[cleverme123]

But I don't think he wants a relationship however he doesn't want to tell you that either. He is using you like a doormat and at his convience. I would stop it now because it will only get worse. The drinking will not help, and it sounds as though his friends and the alcohol is starting to rule his life. He isn't ready for a meaningful relationship and to stay means you are willing to put up with it as long as it continues.

[nigel]

Firstly. "I dont want to marry another alcoholic" quoted by Glitter_girl_4.

 

I take it you made a typo here? marry another, does that mean you have married before or that your mum is one and you just was comparing him to your mum??? either way. why the hell you talking about marriage?

 

you bF said " if i wanted it to it would" that kinda of comment from a bloke means "dont try to control me. ill do it anyway". coupled with ur marriage comment this to me suggests u might be trying to control him maybe?

 

fair enough you dont like him going out and drink. and fair enough hes going behind ur back. these are things you might be adding to with ur insecurity. try and give him space. cleverme123 is right dont let him walk over you. if you dont like him drinking all the time and he does it neway (and behind ur back) thats a good sign he doesnt like being control and doesnt even respect u enough to tell you that.

 

on that grounds ill go tell him to get a life. and see what he says. if he comes runnign back, dont except it until u know hes telling the truth. anyone that goes behind ur back is bad news. drinking isnot a crime its the lies that go with itXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Glitter_Girl_4]

Sorry, I have never been married before. I just meant I dont want to live with another alcoholic. Deal with another alcoholic.

 

I dont think I control him, but he seems to think that way. He usually does not do anything behind my back. He openly told me about going to the bars.