was i abused as the child as well?

[myleneuk]

Hi Floridagirlal. Few days ago I came accross your letter “Symptoms of sexual abuse but no memory” and it has shaken me to the core. I could not stop crying. It brought back all my fears, doubts, thoughts I did not let in for long time, may be ever. I am 35 and I was thinking and trying not to think if something happened to me for long time. It is horrible and disgusting and it is first time ever I am saying it but when I was a child I performed sex games with other children. I was the initiator and teacher. It is your letter and comments from others made me ask myself how did I know about sex unless somebody taught me. I was five or six first time I done it. I have always thought that it was because I just had a dirty sinful nature and that is how I knew what to do. There were no other ways for me to know as there were no internet or anything like that at that time where I was from.

Just like you I thought if I saw my parents doing it when I was a child. Few times I asked my mother if it is possible but she said that it was impossible. She knew that I was having problems with the sex and she would have said the true to me in order to help me.

 

When I was a teenager I was abused by the doctor at the health resort my parents were taking me every summer. It was a different time then and I was very naive about sex. I knew about sex in terms of penetration, penis, vagine, sperm and so on. The doctor was specialising in massage and he was treating my mother. For some reason she decided that it would be good for me too. I don’t know when I started to be scared. I felt it was wrong what he was doing. But he was a doctor and I trusted him. My parents took me to him so he should be good person. But I felt wrong when he would massage me everywhere and in a strange way. He would take off my underwear and touch me there. I did not know what that was but it felt wrong. It was getting worse and I decided to tell someone. I have stopped telling things to my mother long time before that. She was very emotional and always creating scandals. And I was not sure if it was wrong but I felt it. I was afraid that I have been paranoid like my mother. So I told my father. It was so hard. I remember how it was difficult for me to describe things doctor was doing. My father just said that I don’t need to go back if I don’t want to. He had done nothing else. But I could not let it go for some reason. I kept thinking if I was crazy. And I could not forget every single touch. Couple years later I told my best friend about it but nothing changed. But then when some year later she had started having sex she explained to me that it was foreplay and some erotic massage. Strangely but I felt better. It was like somehow an explanation of what happened to me has given me some sort of relieve. But it had created anger towards my father. He has done nothing. He even did not support me in telling him. He let me think that I was crazy. Later I told my mother who after some rage asked him why he did nothing. I feel that the reason that I told her is that I wanted her to ask him. For some reason I could not asked him myself. And he told my mother that he done nothing because he felt sorry for doctor because he had a family. Later he also said that he did not believe me. That hit me badly

I was suffering from the depression and social anxiety since I don’t really know but it became bad for the first time when I was 18. It was then it became so obvious that my mother asked me if I was raped because of the changes in me she could not explain. I laughed it off but couple years later she made me to go to see the psychologist. She said that my depression and moments of rage were becoming uncontrollable. The psychologist told my mother that I will be fine and it was just bad time. But the true is that my mother does not know that I came back to see that psychologist later and she was seeing me free of charge for next few years. Today I don’t understand why she would see me for free and in secret if she said to my mother if I was fine? But I have never told her about what happened at the health resort, my father, my child sex games, panic attacks, my weird dreams.

Many found me attractive but every time when a boy or man started approaching me I would start having strong feelings of panics. I have tried to control it but I could not. I would feel relieved and safe only when they left me alone.

I started feeling better when I moved abroad away from my parents. I was a virgin till I was 24. He was very patient and it took almost a year for us to start having sex. I have overcome feelings of panic with him and thought I was going to be ok. But since then I have not managed to be in a relationship. Feelings of panic were overtaking me again and again every time when man tried to get close to me. Man considered me being cold blooded and arrogant. Few times I fell in love but I would do everything to ruin everything and push them away. I could not explain why I done that even to myself. Eventually I decided that I am just born this way not being able to love. And sex is difficult. I have a pain during the penetration but doctors could not find anything wrong with me. However just a thought about my pain puts me off. It is like my body preparing for pain and I am feeling off. I have completely withdrawn myself from any sexual or romantic interaction for last two years.

There are some other things but it is hard to write about them even now. Your letter and comments from others made me think about things I have avoided thinking before. It made me look back and to see separate events of my life creating a strange and certain picture. It is like pieces of puzzle have been put together and telling me something. At the same time I don’t remember a lot, I don’t remember quite long periods of my life I don’t know what to think. Am I crazy or not? Was I born this way or those sex games with other children were the result of abuse that has changed me? It is first time I talked about it. I cant stop crying. I am adult but I feel lost

[lukeb]

Nobody can answer that question from what is posted here. The concept of repressed memories has certain fallen out of favor because it resulted in so many false accusations. The only thing that seems clear is that there is a lot of anxiety and fear around sex, it doesn't seem strange that it isn't an enjoyable experience for you. It seems more likely that there are all re-enforced beliefs, and the more you practice certain beliefs, the more you start believing them. The reason why I am saying that is that there really isn't any real proof otherwise except that you have a lot of fear and anxiety. All that seems clear is that there is a lot of guilt and unhealthy attitudes around sex and that is not strange considering the general fear we have around the issue of sex and growing up as children.