Need help dealing with my break up

[jhrivera1]

Hello everyone. Well, here goes my long story.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I had been going out for seven and a half years. The last year of our relationship was pretty bad. We were arguing a lot, but I still loved her. She would go out almost every weekend to a club without me. Fast forward to a month ago, where she told me that she needs a break from us because she wasn't sure if she was still in love with me. A week later, we decided to give us a chance and take things slow. We would make dates to go out, like in the beginning of our relationship. We wouldn't go out with each other unless we wanted to, and not just to go through the motions out of obligation. After a month, things weren't really changing. I wanted to see her more, but I didn't want to break our agreement of taking it slow. She continued to go out clubbing every weekend without me. I felt like nothing emotionally was changing for her. It was more of the same. This was a total 180 degree turn from what it was like during the first six years of our relationship.

 

So, I told her that we need to talk. I told her that she doesn't seem to be happy in our relationship. I asked her if she felt like she wasn't in love with me anymore, and she said that she didn't think so. This absolutely crushed me. So I told her that I'll set her free and hopefully one day, we'll be together again. I absolutely love this girl. I truly believe that we're soul mates. I don't know why or how it ended up this way. All I know is that I had a connection with this girl that was incredible. I will never give up hope that we'll be together again, but at the same time, I know that I have to move on for now just like she is. I just don't know how. I've devoted so much time and love and effort into this relationship. I just need help understanding everything and moving on.

 

She told me that she is still really unsure about whether she is still in love with me, but that she see's me at the end of the tunnel and that hopefully we'll be together in the future. She said to never give up hope. I never want to give up that hope, but I keep thinking that it is a false hope. What we had is great, and I still am in love with her, but I have this gut feeling that it'll never be the happy ending that I wanted it to be. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on. Any advise would be very helpful. Thanks, everyone, for listening.

[hockeyboy]

7+ years is a long long time. ive been in long term relationships myself (not that long, but long) and i know how things can gradually change over time, you dont even notice it usually.

 

its obvious you love her and regardless of what she says she must love you too. after 7 years, she just must.

 

the best thing you can do right now is to give eachother some space. im not saying you two will end up together but its your best bet. a lot of times when long term couple break up they make all the mistakes that can be avoided. if you just stay away from eachother i would hope and think she will miss you. if she didnt for whatever reason, shes not the girl for you.

 

when my ex of 4+ years left me i made several mistakes. i begged for her back for a while. bad bad idea. but once i accepted it and started moving on she came back to me. once i gave her the space she asked for and just stopped talking to her she called me, crying, wanting me back. the thing is we would have gotten back together if it werent for the fact that i tried rushing things back to where they used to be.

 

for now, i would take some time and start moving on. you dont have to give up hope..but dont sit around just hoping for that. instead of hoping to be with her...hope to be with "the girl" that is meant for you. it may be her, it may not. time will tell. regardless of anything...be happy its not a nasty breakup, that will only benefit you later.

[jhrivera1]

Thanks hockyboy. I think I might have made the same mistake, because she just called me this morning and I was trying to make her realize that we were meant for each other. She again reminded me that she needs to be free right now to see where life would take her, and that hopefully it will take her back to me. She called me because I had emailed her the night before to express my post-breakup feelings. She wanted to call me to see if I was okay, and to remind me that she is thinking of me too, and to not give up hope. I love her, and I don't want to give up on us. But I know that for now I have to. I know that NC is the best way. I see that if there is a chance that we'll be together again one day, that it'll happen. And if it doesn't, then I guess she really wasn't my soul mate. I don't think I'll ever give up hope though. I was just wondering if there are any people out there that did breakup with there partners and ended up getting back together and are now happy? I just want to know if it's possible. Man, this is going to be a rough few months ahead.

[_Ramirez_]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much suffering. You still have feelings for the girl that dumped you and your break transformed itself into a break up. Its normal to still love her and in a certain way you will always do because that love will transform itself over time. You just can't put 7 years down the drain like that.

 

I think its not really fair from her part to ask you to never to give hope. In fact she should tell you that its over if it is and not put you in a standby mode. I believe she's doing that so she doesn't make you suffer too much even if in a sense its worse to wait for someone who's not coming back or it might be because she want to have the option to come back to you if her party/single life don't fullfil her needs after a time.

 

What you really need to do now is to put back your life together. You need to stop thinking in term of a couple and you need some time alone. No Contact is the best way to handle your relationship with her. If you go along it with the hope that she will come back to you then it will be really hard to live a normal life without her and it will be impossible to heal your heart. You must believe she won't come back and if ever she does then it will be a really great gift from life.

 

Let her slip away, let her live her life without you and try to live yours for yourself. Don't contact her even if you're dying to, what will happen if you learn she have a new boyfriend in 3 month? You will be crushed and down the pit again. No news = good news. Like hockeyboy say: if she comes back then she will be the one you want to be with, if not it will be someone else and she will have missed the chance to be with you.

 

I know you'll make it through as we all do, just give yourself time and just don't give in the need to contact her.

[sunfirechick]

Hi there,

 

My boyfriend broke up with me in September, for reasons that I would rather not go into with detail but I will tell you this:

 

If she is asking you for space, give it to her. She is aware of your feelings and although it may be difficult, you need to give her the time away that she is asking for.

 

Do not beg, or plead, or get upset with her. Seven years is a very long time to be with someone, and feelings don't just disappear that quickly. She will soon realize what she had, but it is not up to you to push her.

 

You need to show her that you can handle being apart from her. If she's told you that she sees you "at the end of her tunnel", then you need to let her get to that point herself, and not push her there.

 

I understand that this is a very difficult time for you, but it is important that you take a step back and try to look at the situation rationally. You might even see things that you'd never thought of before, but with a clear mind you can look at this situation from a totally different perspective.

 

If you truly believe that the two of you are meant to be together, then you need to have faith that it will happen in its own time. Good luck to you, and stay strong. It's going to be a bumpy ride but be confident in yourself that you can handle it, and that your love will find her way back to you when she is ready.

 

My boyfriend and I are back together now, and after discussing our relationship and all of our concerns, I can say that we are now stronger than ever. Have faith in the love that the two of you share, it will help you to get through this difficult time.

[jhrivera1]

Thanks to all for the great advice and the help.

 

Sunfirechick, if you don't mind me asking, how long were you and your boyfriend going out before you broke up in September?

 

_Ramirez_, thanks for the reply as well. She did tell me that she needs to find herself and see what road life leads her to. And she told me to do exactly the same, but don't give up hope that one day, our roads may cross again.

 

I have to move on and act as if this is the end of our relationship together. It's going to be so difficult to have someone in your life for 7 years and then suddenly not have them there. But I'm sure if she can do it, so can I. I do have faith that one day we'll be together again, but Sunfirechick is right. I need to have faith that things will work out and let her get to that point by herself. And if things don't work out, then they just weren't meant to be. It's a shame if it comes to that point though. I really thought that she and I would be together for the rest of our lives. I realize now that nothing is ever a given. If things don't work out, then hopefully one day, I'll find someone that made me feel just as special and wonderful as she did during our relationship.

[hockeyboy]

another reason to do nc...things are good right now between u..after time u will start to fight and bicker and it will only hurt u more. i.e if one of u starts dating someone new

[jhrivera1]

Okay, so I know that the best way to get over someone that you're not with anymore is NC. The problem is my ex called me last night. I know I probably shouldn't have picked up the phone, but I couldn't help it. It's only been two days since we broke up when she called. These two days were very tough to get through. She told me that she knows that she shouldn't call and that she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. The wrong idea being that she doesn't want to get back together at this moment in time. I know that we're not getting back together, but I have to admit that it was nice talking to her. I felt good during and after the talk. It felt good, not because I thought we had a chance of getting back together soon, but because I enjoy our conversations. We just talked about things that have happened in the past couple of days. Now, I feel like crap all over again. It seems like a temporary fix. I know that we need the NC to get over one another, but I know that the next time she calls, I'm going to probably pick up the phone. It's tough getting over relationships. I've been in relationships before, but never one that was this serious and this long. Seven years in a relationship is tough to get over.