devastated1983 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 i married my partner of 13 years(and father of our 3 children) just under 3 weeks ago , the day after the wedding i discoverd a female friends number in his phone stored under a male friends name , i confronted him about it and we rowed , during the row he said he has feelings for her and loves her but loved me more and wanted to be with her but he knos it would never work ! i was totally crushed and said if he though she would make him happy to go to her but he refused saying he wanted to make our marriage work , i decided to do the same and the following 2 days after this were difficult , on the 3rd day he arrived home from work 4 hrs later than he said ( he wasnt responding to any calls or txt messges ) , he said he was at a "friends " house and told me to smell his underwear for "sex" if i didnt believe him ( needless to say i didnt do this ) we rowed again and he packed his bag ( as he works away from home ) and left . I didnt hear from him until the sunday when he told me he never wanted to marry me , felt trapped after we had had our daughter 12 years ago and went on to have our 2 boys with me as he wanted all of his children with the same person , he has practically cut all contact with me and has took the children out for tea and seen them on 4 other occasions here , on sunday night he told me he only married me because he didnt want to let other people down , he also said he feels his head is screwed up and his life is "****" , i suggested he is maybe working to much (90 hrs a week in average) and maybe speaking to a doctor would help he agreed to this , as he was leaving he gave me a a hug and told me he loves me to pieces and i asked if he was in love with me and he said he didnt know ?? he has since been really nasty with me and said some awful things , i am trying my best not to retaliate ! i am so confused upset as to how he can cut all conatct with me andhow he doesnt seem to care about the devastation he has caused me . i am trying to hold down a job , a house and look after 3 upset confused children , just wondering if anyone could offer any help or advice as i feel as though i am drowning Link to comment
becomingkate Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 You deserve to have a husband that loves and cares about you, and this man has done nothing but cause pain and confusion. As hard as it will be, I suggest letting him go and start planning on how to keep everything going without him. First, you need to get child support started, and I don't know if you need a lawyer to do that where you live. You may also need a roommate to help with expenses. I would also get your family involved if you need extra childcare. One day, things will start to look up, but the only way to start healing is to let the idea of him go - he's not who you thought he was. Link to comment
devastated1983 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Thankyou for your kind words I love him eternally but I'm slowly beginning to realise he feels nothing for me everyday seems so hard to get through its horrible I thought I had been through some tough times but this one tops it all Link to comment
becomingkate Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I love him eternally but I'm slowly beginning to realize he feels nothing for me I have found that love is something that MUST be reciprocal, so he must have some feelings for you - they're just not enough to keep you together. They ARE enough to keep you hanging on, even though at this point you must love who you thought he was, not who he really is. And even though he keeps telling you who he is, you don't want to believe him because that would mean you have to give up. But you must give up, for the sake of your self esteem and for your children. Kids learn about relationships by watching their parents. If you have a daughter, would you want her to go through this exact scenario in her own marriage? I can't stress this enough - it's going to affect her. I have stayed in bad relationships because I thought that's what people did - that's what my own mum did. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I am sorry this has happened to you. I found out my ex husband was having an affair with his 19 yr old PA. He was 38. I threw him out, and things were very hard for a long time. It takes time to heal wounds, and you will come out of this stronger. But in the mean time take care of yourself & your kids. Dont be hard on yourself, if you need a good cry, go & have one in a warm bubble bath with a glass of wine. It doesnt cost much, but you will feel so much better afterwards. Like Kate said start to plan your new life. Write things down if need be. This will help you organise your thoughts. You need to see that you will be ok in the long run financially. Maybe you should see a councellor as well, Can you get a referral from your Doctor? Maybe you can have some free sessions? Just talking to an outsider and getting things in perspective can help immensly. Best of luck.... Link to comment
devastated1983 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 I am trying to take each day as it comes , he works away from home most recently for irregular periods , I desperately want to seek legal advice and set in stone set times and days for him to see the children as I feel they need stability , I don't want to rock the boat further , he had really shocked me with his behaviour as I never had any inclination he was unhappy etc , he is being very unreasonable and I do think he needs some help , I know we will never be together again as I feel if he can do this to me what else would he be capable of ? Also the hurt ad humiliation he has caused are irreversible Link to comment
devastated1983 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 I would never want my daughter to be in this sort of situation and I certainly wouldn't want my boys to treat anyone the way their father has treat me , my daughter has been affected already by this as she has how from a carefree life loving 12yr old to being very moody angry and withdrawn , luckily our middle son is very laid back and doesn't let much bother him , our youngest on the other hand is very close to his father as when he was 10 months old my ex got maid redundant and spent nearly a year at home with him , he is 4 and just thinks "daddy is working away" not sure how to explain things to a 4 yr old , I have do many questions to ask him but he never gives me a satisfying answer and he always says he has made hi decision etc ! My world has been rocked totally but I will be able to walk away from this with my head held high , I wish I didn't have to wait a year for a divorce but none of the annulment reasons apply to this situation , thankyou for listening to me , kind regards Michelle x Link to comment
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