NC and then he calls

[alacour529]

5 weeks ago ex broke of our 4 year relationship (this is the 3rd break up in 4 years), he indicated he loved me and wanted to marry me, but he feels I did not respect his advice. Last week when we spoke about my budget he said any decisions I made had nothing to do with him anymore, and we should just move on. Well, low and behold who calls a week later to see how I was doing, how my girls were doing (I have 2 daughters) and asked me a few questions about my budget and what did I do this past weekend? I was polite and upbeat, told him about things that were going on with everyone, I told him I was okay, each day brought a different feeling, some days good, some days bad, and he said yes, me too, but the bad days are better than they were two weeks ago. Then I told him I had to get off the phone and that I still missed him, he said I miss you too. And that was the end of the call. My question for you all, what was this call indicating. I mean, I of course, did not want to relationship to end, I love him unconditionally and would take him back if he felt that way again, so I'm thinking Oh my Gosh, does he want to get back together, is that what that means, but I'm tryin gto stay controlled and keep repeating his words of 5 weeks ago, that he was taking a new path and didn't think we would be back together again. Help.

[DBL]

What was his words 5 weeks ago and what was the reasons he broke it off with you.

 

DBL

[alacour529]

We had a disagreement about finances (mine in particulary), he said we were not financially compatible, that we had different philosophies about money, I didn't take his advice to stay in my apt, instead I leased a house for me and my daughters to live in. He said he loved me, but he needed a partner who had financial savvy or took his advice, he was going to miss me and my girls terribly, but he didn't think we would be continuing our relationship.

[DBL]

Sounds like your man is a control freak...can't have things his exact way then it isn't right or can't happen.

 

Maybe he may realize that his reasoning for a breakup was an idiotic selfish reason. I haven't met too many couples that were "financially" compatible...but I can't say the are breaking up about it. Honestly he sounds like he is just being a baby about it. Although I see his point a little bit, no guy likes to give advice and not have their woman or family take it.

 

Is there like more...like was that just the topping on the cake or the straw that broke the camels back?

 

DBL

[Mun]

Hi there,

Did you live with your boyfriend or live just with your daughters?

[alacour529]

I really think it was the straw that broke the camels back. He has seen my family and I through the toughest 4 years of our lives. I divorced 5 years ago, raising three kids, he has no children. My son is now 20, lives with his dad and is in college and indepdendent, my oldest daughter is 17 and off to college in 10 months, my youngest daughter is 11 and she and my ex were like father and daughter, he adores her and she likewise. I was a stay at home mom, with a 5,000 sf house and no job when I got divorced, I went from that house to a smaller one and got a job, my son had depression and dependency problems, all of which caused me to suffer numerous financial setbacks, nonetheless, I have a career, make my own living and have sucessfully gotten the oldest child on the path to making his own life, my oldest daughter is an honor roll student and heading off to college, so next year it will be me and the little one. Financial decisions I made, whether "savvy" or not, were all for the health, wellbeing and safety that a mother has responsibility to her children. I am not a frivolous woman, although I do try to get the best I can for the money I have. The ex like I said, has no children, no debt and very little expenses, I understand his philosophy but I never thought my situation was bad enough to cause the end of our relationship. He was burned in his 1st marriage (lasted 6 months) he paid her bills and she left him, could be that he was a control person then also, I don't know. He is a stand up person when it comes to morals and ethics, he truly believes he is doing what is best. I do respect that, but I'm still really pissed about it. I never, ever asked him for one dime during the entire time we were together.

[Mun]

I wonder if maybe what he really feels is that you don't respect his advice-not so much that you are financially irresponsible.

 

When he has given you advice in the past have you ever considered it or at least acknowledge that you will think about it ( even if you do what you want in the long run) ?

[alacour529]

Yes, always considered his advice, and many times took his advice. Always discussed with him what I needed to do and what I was considering doing, tried to be as communicative as possible with him about everything.

[Mun]

It sounds like you did your part. Maybe the problem is what the other poster said and he is a control freak.

 

Did he ever offer you financial help or other and you turned him down? Just want to get a clear picture.

[alacour529]

He never offered to help with money. He usually paid for all of our dates, meals, etc. My television broke and instead of me buying a new one, he gave me his extra, but now that we are no longer seeing each other, he wants it back. He tried to be considerate of what we did because of my budget, he did mention a few months ago, that he was sacrificing to date me -- because of my kids and expenses and I didn't have the freedom to do the things he could do and he wasn't able to do some of the things he liked to do with me because of my responsibilities, but he said he made that choice because he loves me --- although he still brought it up, I guess it was troubling him.

[DBL]

Well you know what is best for your family...you managed to go from housewife to career woman. He obviously does not know what decisions and sacrifices you have made to get where you are. If he was in your situation he would probably fail where you succeeded. I would be pissed too if I was you. I think his comments and attitude are unjust and ignorant. I think he did you a favor by ending it. I'm pissed off for you...just thinking who he thinks he is telling you what to do when you been taking care of 3 kids and yourself for the last few years.

 

I have lots of respect for you.

DBL

[alacour529]

Thank you, you sound like all of my friends. I have some very loyal friends, who have been my friends since I was married, and are like family. They all know what I have been through and have the utmost repect for me for being able to come through my life still standing and still loving. Thank you.

[Mun]

Wow alacour I just saw myself in you. I know what position you are in because I'm a single mom with 3 kids myself and there are times I can't do all the things my friends are doing because of my responsibilities.

 

You are a tough woman and it's unfortunate that he is focusing on the negative instead of the all the great qualities I'm sure you possess.

I can't help thinking that he has done you a favor by letting you go.

 

You will find that great person who treasures you and appreciates you for who you are. Keep your chin up.

[alacour529]

I know what you say is true, and I know the pain will pass with time. I have to make a decision about him seeing my daughter, he is supposed to go to her theatre production and he emailed me today to confirm the time, a part of me wants him to tell him I don't think its a good idea for him to be there, my little one will be crushed, I already told her I was thinking maybe he should not be there, because he comes to her play and then what?? I mean what good does it do her, me or him.

[DBL]

Well I would look at it like...no TV...no daughter, sounds like he is just a spiteful baby. I could be misinterpetting it wrong. If he is not going to be part of your life then he should not be part of your daughters life either. He is not her father and he can't expect to be part of the family still.

 

DBL

[alacour529]

Thank you, that's very good advice, I like the idea. How are you coping with things, are you okay?

[DBL]

Is who ok?

[alacour529]

I'm sorry DBL, I thought I was replying to another post. Thank you for your comments, I am amazed at how much talking to you all helped to boost my spirits. I know it's a long tough road, but I've been down some funky roads, this well just be another one to tackle. Take care.

[Mun]

Alacour you won't believe how much I identified with your posts. ( I even had to take a little break )

 

I dated someone very much like your ex. At one point we were discussing committment and he said to me " you want a committment, well then I want to be able to see you whenever I want" and I said we could work that out.. and he said " ok get ready I'm coming to pick you up" . He knew I had my children with me and I could not get away at a moments notice ( his kids live with his ex) but he wanted to make his point. I don't have to tell you how much it hurt. I have responsibilities and he was using that against me.

 

Your story just brought it all back. You know what ? we are better off without this kind of man who doesn't want to accept us for who we are. Like I said you will do better. keep the faith.

 

You see... Like the logo says : you are not alone.

 

good luck with everything.

 

Mun