Getting back together question... want the dumpers' perspective

[LonelyGirl10]

I know that people break up and get back together for a lot of different reasons, and that in order to make the second relationship work you have to know and change the original reasons for the break up.

 

But, my question is a little more complicated than that. When I've been the dumper in the past, I've analyzed for months whether I want to leave the person or not. I don't break up with someone until I know for sure that it's what I want to do.

 

My current boyfriend broke up with me in December. He said that he thought about the decision for 2-3 days before he did it. He gave me a lot of reasons (his depression, him wanting to move out of state, cold feet, him treating me badly for the past month). But, he always told me that he was madly in love with me and still wanted to marry me. It didn't make any sense. It was back and forth since then on whether he wanted to get back together, and we officially got back together the beginning of March. I'm, of course, scared that he's going to leave again. He keeps telling me to just relax, and go with the flow. I want to relax, really I do.

 

I'm curious to know whether there are any dumpers on here who broke up with someone while still being in love, and got back together with the person and it truly worked out. I feel like, in my own experience, I wouldn't break up with someone unless I had doubts about loving the person or wanting to marry the person. And I don't want to be with someone that has doubts about me, because I feel like I'm just waiting for him to leave me again.

[Edmund Exley]

My concerns would be that all the reasons he gave for breaking up with you we're because of him, not because of what he felt he wasn't getting from you. This would justifiably explain your confusion because how can you feel something is getting better when you havent been given a part in what was wrong.

 

I don't know if there is an easy way for you to gain peace of mind in any of that.

[markie6]

If there's one thing you can learn here , the reasons dumpers give at the end of a rs are subject to change, constantly. Very often they are still justifying it all after they have pulled the trigger. I know I dumped somebody who had a drinking problem and wouldn't get help ( they were nasty when drinking) after so long. I gave them a long list of reasons , all of which were true ( I did still love her) but she had demolished the future I had envisioned over a period of time. The final straw for me, might have seemed spur of the moment for her when I told her I was going but like a lot of us find out in hindsight, it's rarely spur of the moment and rarely all the truth

[surfjon]

My dumper has yet to give me a reason, but I no longer need one.

 

When someone rejects you, you must reject the rejector.

 

I agree with the premise that when someone dumps you, they've been contemplating it and getting their support network (friends and family) behind them. I feel my now ex-gf was contemplating this for over a year, so when she became "unsure" in January I woke up, started distancing myself....but I made the mistake of having hope, and she friendzoned me and I have since walked totally and in NC......

[LonelyGirl10]

If there's one thing you can learn here , the reasons dumpers give at the end of a rs are subject to change, constantly. Very often they are still justifying it all after they have pulled the trigger. I know I dumped somebody who had a drinking problem and wouldn't get help ( they were nasty when drinking) after so long. I gave them a long list of reasons , all of which were true ( I did still love her) but she had demolished the future I had envisioned over a period of time. The final straw for me, might have seemed spur of the moment for her when I told her I was going but like a lot of us find out in hindsight, it's rarely spur of the moment and rarely all the truth

 

Thanks for your reply. I did learn that the reasons constantly change. Maybe he didn't even know all the reasons himself at the time, because I heard more new reasons later. But I guess my question is whether it's possible for all those reasons to go away, and the dumper really love the person and be positive they want a future with them? Or is the dumper just getting back out of loneliness? He said he never stopped loving me, and he also said that the first time he considered breaking up was 2-3 days before he actually did it. I just don't know how it's possible to break up with someone if you still love them and want to be with them. I couldn't have broken up with him, even though we did have some problems, because I loved him too much. I just wonder if I'm going to get dumped again.

[markie6]

But I guess my question is whether it's possible for all those reasons to go away, and the dumper really love the person and be positive they want a future with them?

If it works for some people, why not you ? If you're asking me to look into the future , or mind read .... well can't really do that

 

People do reconcile, even after nasty vicious breakups and betrayals. Who is to say, 1 way or another ?

[LonelyGirl10]

If it works for some people, why not you ? If you're asking me to look into the future , or mind read .... well can't really do that

 

People do reconcile, even after nasty vicious breakups and betrayals. Who is to say, 1 way or another ?

 

No, not asking you to predict my outcome. I guess I was mostly just curious to hear other people's stories on here, and how their reconciliations went. Particularly, I'm interested to hear the perspective from dumpers who decided to get back together with the dumpee, and why or why not it worked.