I care for him deeply, but can't see a future together...

[nickersnicker8]

I have been with my current boyfriend for a total of 3 years now. We've known each other since elementary school and became really good friends in high school. He always liked me as more than a friend, and eventually I started to feel the same. I could always talk to him about anything, we had fun together no matter what we were doing and the physical chemistry was (and still is) amazing. After we casually dated for a while, we became exclusive and things were going great. I fell madly in love with him and could honestly see myself marrying this guy one day.

 

Well, after we graduated high school I decided to go to college to study economics and he decided to take the year off and work before starting college. I was fine with that at the time, but for the better part of his year off he did not have a job, and wasn't making as much of an effort as he could have to get one. Whenever I expressed my concerns about it he would promise me that he was going to try harder and not to "give up on him yet" because he loved me and wanted to marry me one day. And because I loved him so much too, I always kept giving him more time. Eventually, enough was enough and I decided to break it off after being with him for 1 1/2 years. I'm a very goal-oriented person and college has always been part of my life plan. If he decided not to go to college I was okay with that, but I wanted him to be doing SOMETHING. I could care less about his occupation, just as long as he was happy and worked hard at it. If he was going to be my potential husband I needed him to show me that he could take care of our family. It was one of the most painful & hurtful things I've ever had to do and I was constantly questioning whether I did the right thing. We took a little time apart and eventually decided that we would stay friends because we did not want to give up that up.

 

I guess the break-up woke him up because not long after, he got a job at wal-mart. I was really proud and happy for him. I thought maybe he was finally taking steps forward in his life. He also started taking a few classes at the local community college because his aspiration was to become a teacher. The whole time we were just "friends" we both knew that the feelings were still there. Both of us had talked to other people, but never really dated anyone else. I found myself always wanting to spend time with him instead of exploring other options. After a year of being friends we got back together again. I was so happy and thought we were on our way to a wonderful future together. But, once again, patterns that had presented themselves the first time were starting to show up again. He did miserably in his college classes and lost his financial aid and decided to take more time away from school. He said he was going to save up money to go back so he could bring up his grades and get the financial aid back. Well, 1 1/2 years later he's still not back in school. Another big issue is that he still treats me like more of a best friend than a girlfriend. He always tells me how much he loves me and how happy I make him, but he never shows it. He will spend his money on things he doesn't really need and then says he doesn't have the money to take me on dates. Sometimes I wind up paying for myself or both of us because I am so desperate just to go on dates. He rarely buys me little gifts either. I know that's not all that matters, but it would be nice for him to show me how he feels sometimes instead of just saying it. I always feel like I am giving more to this relationship than I am getting out of it. I've brought this up to him and he will apologize and do nice things for me for a little while, but then it always reverts back to the way it was. He's always written me tons of love poems, but that can only do so much.

 

It's just so difficult because I know he loves me, but he can't give me what I need as his girlfriend. I love that I can talk to him about anything and that we have so much fun when we're together, but those are things we still had as best friends instead of a couple. I feel like the only thing keeping us together now are those characteristics and that we have amazing chemistry in the bedroom. I feel like I have fallen out of love with him and have outgrown the relationship. I will be graduating with my degree next year and think that maybe I do need someone whose goals/aspirations in life are more similar to my own. As his girlfriend I'm always happy to give him encouragement and be there for him, but I'm tired of being the only source of motivation in his life. It's starting to really wear on me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being shallow, but I know it's not about the money. I've come to realize that what we want out of life and a relationship just aren't compatible for a future together. He's one of the kindest, funniest and sweetest people I've ever known, but I don't think those qualities are enough to sustain this. Maybe what was okay for me when we first started dating, isn't enough now as I've matured.

 

I've been seriously contemplating breaking things off the past few days and it's tearing me up inside. He says hes going back to school in the fall, but I will be graduating and wanting to start my career next year. I just don't think I can wait on him forever anymore. I've been with him for so long that it's scary to think about moving on. I live an hour away from him at college and won't be able to see him until the weekend. I know I owe him more than a phone call or e-mail, but it's so hard acting like nothing is wrong until I can see him in person. I've probably gotten 6 hours sleep total in the past 2 nights because I've been so stressed over it. I really want us to stay friends because I still care a lot about him in that aspect, but I'm not sure if that will be possible or for the best since he still cares for me so deeply. I'm just so afraid of hurting him and scared of the idea that he might not be a part of my life anymore because I value his friendship so much.

 

Has anyone else been in a situation similar to this? I'm not sure how I go about breaking up him, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this is so long. I've just had nobody to talk to about this so I needed to put it all out there.

[mhowe]

He is your friend, not your boyfriend. And you can never make him realize HIS potential....he has to do that himself.

 

Tell him that you don't see a future together, and that while you value him as a friend, it will be very hard in the short term to be in touch. That after you have both healed and moved on -- perhaps the friendship could be renewed....but for now, you will be "signing off" for the foreseeable future.

[markie6]

I think mhowe has said it well , although don't be promising or hoping for friendship in the future. It sounds like you matured faster than him ( I guess your ages are very close together) and it's taken him / taking him a lot longer to sort himself out.

 

Now I would guess that this is going to hurt him, but they are the pitfalls of being in a relationship. In much the same way , you aren't going to be able to rely on him being your friend for a while

 

It comes accross that you have outgrown him and the relationship, I would imagine him being hurt but you cannot blame yourself for that, it may provide the kick up the ** he needs to sort his life out. He will naturaly be stung by the rejection and I hope you have been expressing your concerns that have been building over the last year. Nothing worse than thinking everything's ok when it isn't

 

You might want to remain friends, he might not and you're going to have to deal with that. Be honest with him, it won't be easy but it needs to be done.

[nickersnicker8]

I know this is exactly what I need to do. I've become tired of always trying to help him and motivate him further. I've realized if he can't do it for himself, there's nothing I can do about it anymore. I guess I always thought if I kept trying he would realize that he's capable of so much more. And if he's happy with where he is at, even though he expresses that he isn't, I don't want to be the one to force him into anything that he truly doesn't want to do. I am going to cut off contact after I break up with him (no texts, phone calls, un-friend him on facebook) for a while. I know if I have any contact at all with him directly after it will be way too hard for me to move on because I still care about him so much. Thanks for helping to cement what my heart is telling me I need to do.

[nickersnicker8]

And I have expressed my concerns multiple times, but like I said, it changes for a time and then goes back to the way it was. I hope we can have a friendship in the future because I've known him almost my whole life. So it's hard to imagine not having him there at all. But, I'm not going in with any expectations. It's just going to be a tough week until I can see him because we talk every day. It's difficult to try and be normal with him when I know I'm about to hurt him so badly in a matter of days...

[LovesMusic]

Nickersnicker8,

 

I have been on both sides of the fence in this situation. I was the one who hadn't grown up and wasn't living to my potential, which caused an ex to break up with me. I am now in a relationship in which the tables have turned and my current gf is the one who has yet to mature and is not living to her potential. It has been quite eye opening to be honest. I do, however, feel if my current gf legitimately grew up and started moving forward with her life I could see us having a future together. I have since lost a lot of feelings for her but I still love her a lot. Do you feel like you could live happily with your boyfriend\ex if he legitimately changed? I am very curious about this in relationships as I have never understood it to be an issue that could break people up until recently.

[Kaitie09]

Our situations sound eerily similar. I'm 22, hes 21, we have been together since we were 16 and 17, best friends since we were 10. He took a year off of school, and I'm about to graduate in May. I am also ambitious, currently scheduled to take my GMAT and will be applying to graduate school this summer. I too cannot see a future, but do not want to hurt him, and want our relationship to remain the same, but just as friends. You want to keep that same relationship, but you know it will never be the same if you remain friends. I have been working up to breaking up with him for months, but I cannot imagine my life without him.

[amr2006]

this sounds like my situation. me and my girl of 6 years just split, and i know its because she has different interests and goals just like you. Im working all the time, and its taken me over 3 years of on/off school to get through half my associates program. she is probably sick of it as i know she wants to move on. even though she has told me before that i would do anything to keep both of us alive, she probably doesnt want to fight everyday through, as i would. do what you need to do to live. worry about number one...which is you. It hurt me so deepy to let my girl go, but i understand what she wants to achieve and she wants to have new experiences. i very much want her back, but i love her so much that i wont drag her down with me. Do what you need to do to achieve your goals. maybe by calling it quits forever will drive him to do better, but then again, being a guy i know its hard for us to break habit. its taken me forever to finally figure out my life, instead of running around in circles. if you know what it takes to live a successful life, then do it. if hes understanding as he seems to be, itll be ok. it really hurts, but eventually someday itll be ok.