When with a friend or date who talks much less than you do...

[mfan]

Should you:

(a) talk more than normal, to balance out the other person's quietness?

(b) talk less than normal, to match ("mirror") the other person's quietness?

© no change?

 

Thanks very much.

[EssexMan]

If it's a good friend you've known for a while, it really doesn't matter, just say exactly as much as you feel like saying. There's nothing wrong with silence, it's just a sign that you're comfortable with each other.

 

If it's one of your first dates with somebody, you can try to draw them into talking a bit more by asking questions. With most people, even if they're pretty shy, sooner or later you'll hit on something they really want to talk about.

 

Take care that it doesn't sound like an interrogation, though. You can stop it seeming like a non-stop series of questions by telling some little stories - for example, if you're in a restaurant and there is something unusual about the decor, you could say it reminds you of a time when...and so on and so forth.

[Hoagy]

© People who talk less are just better listeners.

[rachopin77]

Often, when people don't talk much, they are either introverted and don't feel like they have much of a reason to talk, or they aren't really sure what to say. I am introverted, and although I may sometimes seem very quiet, its because I either don't feel like I need to talk and I am not made uncomfortable by silence like many extroverted people are, or sometimes I just don't feel like I have anything important to say. Also, sometimes I'm just not really sure what to say to the other person, so rather than just blurting out a bunch of things, I opt for quiet. When I do know people, or I do have something I feel it is interesting to talk about or worth saying, its hard to shut me up.

 

However, when I'm in a situation with someone I don't know that well who may be made uncomfortable with quiet, or in a situation where I am getting to know someone, its nice when they can get me talking about something I am interested in or sort of lead the conversation without just constantly talking and making me feel like I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

 

It's good to find a balance. As the person who talks more, maybe get them more comfortable and talking by asking them some questions that are open ended and/or get them talking about something that they are interested in. Begin by leading the conversation through non interviewy type questions, and they will probably open up and ask you some things as well, and then you can find some common ground. Often, there's a point where I'm talking to someone and they mention something like "yeah I was watching 30 rock..." (or some other thing I also like) and I'll be like "Dude I LOVE that show!" and you have much more to talk about.

 

But the people who make me feel the most comfortable and get me talking a ton are the ones who can initially lead the conversation with questions that make it seem like they are interested in what I have to say, and seem friendly and also talk some so it isn't like they just ask you question after question. But a good thing to know about introverts is they ARE interested in what you say most of the time and they DO want to interact with you, they just probably have different ideas about what they should bring up or don't feel like what they have to say is important or needs to be said to fill up the silence.

[imsuperman]

Often people don't talk as much if they feel the other person is talking too much about themselves. Not saying this is the case here, but it can be.

 

This younger kid I work with is like that. He talks constantly about himself, and doesn't understand how to ask open-ended questions, and he wonders constantly why he can't get girls.

 

In a dating setting, women think if you talk a lot about yourself, you're not interested in them or are trying too hard to build yourself up, which likely means you're insecure and don't' have a lot going for you.

 

Moral of the story: Interested people are interesting to us.

[Unknown1607307972]

I used to be very quiet but now I talk quite a lot in one on one conversations. I get paranoid that I talk too much so I try to balance it by asking the other person questions and hoping to draw out their own stories and experiences too. I have been told I am easy to talk to which is nice.